into the Atlantic

Missing the earliest memory or flipping a coin to decide what was the point in all of this.

My long standing memory of my grand father was for him sitting in his favourite chair, he would park a small table just infront of him with a large bowl, an apple and a sharp knife. The apple was always a green granny smith, he would flick on the tv with the remote control and then beginning peeling.

His technique was to have the long straggling skin which he would never break on purpose and as they were skinned from the flesh of the apple they would fall into the large bowl. He would then half the apple, then quarter it, turn it on its side and make a fairly large notch into what was the centre to remove the pips. He was an old man by the time I had these memories of him, quite frail and this great ability to hack up all the stuff from the back of his throat, I suppose that’s a generations gap of making sure I never got to know him.
We always had Christmas Lunch over at his house, there was a mad panic of who was cooking what and whatever, my uncle would be outside having a smoke, my aunties all talking loudly (which amounted to shouting), my cousins and I bunched together on the table with nothing in common apart from being cousins. The turkey was always dry, I was sure there was always a lack of gammon, we didn’t have a concept of cranberry sauce at the time. Once that was over, a James Bond film usually with Roger Moore as the star and then a plane trip to some place on the other side of the world.

Those are wonderful memories. You don’t ever need to flip a coin to make these, just make sure you remember them and hold them up to your heart.

Have a Wonderful Christmas My Beautiful People.

musik

• Organ Grinder- Murder By Death
• Sometimes the Line Walks You- Murder By Death
• PDA- InterpolMake War- Bright Eyes
• Oh My Sweet Carolina- Ryan Adams
• Every Line Of A Long Moment- Roddy Woomble

videospiel

• Little Big Planet
• GTA IV

vershieden

• trying to work out Murakami,
• doing the shopping in 2 days,
• working in my German office at least it has a nice view,
• seeing 4 London stadiums in under 5 mins,
• having two bowls of Chinese soup,
• Jason Stones- Element unto himself that boy,
• Watching videos of Chris Rock, Kat Williams, Eddie Murphy and Dave Chappelle.
• Simon trying to explain lacist to me and not realising that I was already a lacist,
• ‘yeah good one Newman’
• Still not getting over Bales ‘Batman Voice’,
• becoming a filth-bag with Zoe-face,finally realising its Christmas,

quite like you before

Something different.

Two nights before I made my move to Germany I was in a fury of downloading films to fill a lovely new hard drive which has kept me company over here. After catching a snatch of the Kermode on Radio Five I thought I trust this slick haired lothario, he was reviewing an American film which turns out to be a remake of a Spanish film. I could tell he was waving his arms about in annoyance of the remake and waving his arms in praise of the original version.



Of course I downloaded the Spanish version of REC.

In a few words, set from the point of view of people locked in the building which is ground zero for a virus which causes zombification, none of them knowing what is going on, all filmed from the point of view of a news reporting team. Where this film starts is obvious, where it ends is the beauty of it. Shocking, scary and most importantly freshly executed.

Suffice to say I had to phone Lily up and tell her how scared I was.

Sometimes the past whispers in your ear, if you listen too hard you won't be able to tell the truth from all the lies. A girl I was once in love with told me she missed me a few days ago, in my heart there is always a place for her, but that place sank a few feet and pushed me to want to smoke again.

I could feel it now, I running my tongue between my teeth and lips, the taste of nicotine freshness is all that coats my tongue. If I spent all my life wishing we were together, I would have put a noose around my neck a long time ago. I miss her too, but then I miss that time in my life, I'm not allowed to have it back, instead I decided that we should all make our own life in the present.

musik

• Eli The Barrow Boy- The Decemberists
• This Sporting Life- The Decemberists
• California Dreaming- Mamas and Papas
• Hurt- Johnny Cash
• Bitter Sweet Symphony- The Verve
• Girl From Mars- Ash
• Best Of You- The Foo Fighters

buch

• Blind Willow Sleeping Woman- Haruki Murakami

sport

• HSV vs Aston Villa (Deutschland gegen England)

vershieden

• the new land lord seeing all the coincidences.
• Seeing the prettiest German girl sitting opposite me on the U3, she was so angelic I felt almost paedophilic.
• feeling all Chungking Express again, I wonder if there is a Muenchen equivalent that I could try and live.
• Impressing Roisin with a stolen lyric.
• German Hip Hop is so fuckin gangsta is unreal tourno
• Missing Baker, not having tea with him in almost 5 weeks is soul destroying.
• Reading a book on the tube and ignoring all the people around me.
• Old Man James asking if I was all right in my office.
• You could have it all, my empire of dirt.

wake up younger under the knife

This year has been a year of many realisations, as Baker keeps telling me once you reach 25 there's no hope for you any more (his words with much poetic licence). But for all the manic mood swings and turning away of some friends, this year is another one of those years I could consider something. I could write them down and describe them in detail, but that isn't the point, many a post ago I talked about the moments which mean something to you.

A little exercise for you all, place your hands in front of you, turn one palm up to the ceiling or the sky and turn the other palm to the floor. Close your eyes and try to remember the moments in your which you realised something or if something changed in that split-second. Be them good or bad, these are the sorts of moments I'm referring to. Open your eyes and whisper them into your closed hands and press them to your chest, if we were to share them, they would lose their lustre. Instead keep them in your heart.

1990, 1996, 2003, 2006. And for this moment in my life 2008. Last year was a learning curve a definite change but also a chore, it was making the motions like walking through life's rites of passage. One thing that hasn't changed, I still don't know when I'm in love with someone, but I have learnt to not yearn for something you can't have again.

I whispered the moment a few times to myself and it won't leave my heart.

Something I wrote in 2006.

The bus up to the airport was bumpy and badly driven, the driver was bald with wisps of hair between his ears, he stayed silent for the whole journey bar ten minutes at the end. In my tiredness I’m assuming he’s scared of my cousins loud Chinese and even louder English. I still think he’s an awful driver even when he opens up to us and tells us where we should be heading in Heathrow. I keep writing about it being my second home, but the airport is always cold and the essence of multiculturalism which I never see living in the quiet south. My cousin makes me laugh so hard that I want to fall over and get crushed by a thousand sandals, his words too politically incorrect and ignorant for me to repeat without fearing a backlash. I rub my eyes to red again, trying to stay awake so that I can take in all the experiences which I know I'm going to enjoy over the next 7 weeks. All the new ones and all the usual ones, I'm checking in my bags and already infuriated with my adopted family of my cousins down the road. I know its going to be a hard 7 days with them and I can look forward to the dreaming spires of steel and concrete that is Hong Kong built over a bay which is sinking into the sea.

I wonder what the girl is thinking and hope she is asleep having a lovely dream maybe about me, but I would prefer a dream about the good things in her life. I think I will buy her something from Hong Kong.

musik

• Rise Up With Fists- Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins
• The Red, the White, the Black, the Blue- Hope Of The States
• Temptation- New Order
• Bizarre Love Triangle- New Order

vershieden

• Gary being sufficient.
• Geoffrey for being such a top guy and speaking in the Queens English.
• Waking up at the bar trying to remember where you are.
• Taking solace in other peoples pain.
• Canadian whiskey.
• Being inspired by bored children and passing trains.

ambitions are low

Untying the feelings I have for someone is a full-time exercise. If it was physical exercise my brain would be able to bench press twice my body weight. At times it would be easy to be sick in the mind, being so self absorbed in the words you write, read and perceive that the world doesn't revolve around oneself. In reality the world doesn't even revolve.

It scares me that to read about someone so sick in the mind and for them to take their own life, that I can grow a fixation, I suppose it's the first time in my life I can admit I do have a fascination with it all, even if people in my life have second guessed me about it. Case by case they are all different, but reading it from the perspective of someone on the other end of it, the parallels to me get scarier and scarier, to hear how they are hurt in the process. It makes me physically sick that they/I could hurt the ones they love.

I take back what I said before, peace is too good for some people, even me.

It was Christmas and this was the first one we would go to as a married couple, this time to my parents, save for my love of my parents I had a deep loathing for them. Janice loved them, I always felt that she stayed with me and married me simply because my parents were nice to her. For all my girlfriends, she was the only one my parents approved of. I never understood why though. I married Janice because I fell in love with her on a snowy day, she was working in a coffee shop just off the high street, the snow had become heavy and I wanted something warm to drink. She made me a really bad cup of brown water which I added copious amounts of sugar to. I was dishevelled and smelling of cigarette smoke, my black duffel coat soaking from the melting snow. It took me a month of bad coffee to gain the courage to ask her out.

I reached into my top shirt pocket and pulled out a pack of luckies I had been saving all journey. I placed one between my lips and rooted around for my lighter. I wound the window down a little and the cold draft blasted in. Janice took one as well and put it to her lips, 'like this? Or am I as stupid as you?' she said. She then took it from her lips and threw it out of the window. She did that because she loved me, but knew how stubborn I was.

One less cigarette meant 5 more minutes with me.

musik

• Easy/Lucky/Free- Bright Eyes
• All Sparks- The Editors
• Transmission- Joy Division

videospiel

• Pro Evolution Soccer 2009

buch

• Touching From A Distance- Deborah Curtis
• Batman Dark Victory- Leob and Sale

vershieden

• Stones for his jousting, mate you beat me this time, but I will get you back in the future.
• 4 hour reinstall of Togusa, runs sweet as it once was.
• Friday night with the YPA, was a fun night guys.
• Getting to try other hire cars of the world.
• Listening to an old man tell me stories.

cut the oxygen tanks

It wouldn't happen like a film, she wouldn't be bending over
at the machine furtherest away from me, placing each piece of bad smelling
clothing into the machine one by one. Mesmerised I would wait until I see her
finish putting in the last piece, lift her head up and flick her hair back.
Porcelain skin and the most beautiful pair of autumnal eyes I had ever seen. She
would be wearing a tight pair of faded jeans and a tight yellow college t-shirt
hugging at her taut body. Her eyes would scan across from her empty basket to me
taking off my sun glasses and then glancing down at my watch. I reach for the
pack of luckies in my pocket and pull one out and lit it in one motion. We fall
in love in the moment when I light her cigarette with my own and pass it to her.
The truth is, I would never want that.

She was the one lighting up in one motion, her hand smooth
as it slips into her pocket and she reaches for her packet of Parliaments, in
that moment I want to quit non-smoking and pass her a light, she's already
smoking. I'm in love and my washing is still in the basket reeking of the worst
things on earth. Perfection in my small little world, her lungs are caked in
filth and decay, yet we haven't spoken a single word I can
remember.

I never would remember the words we would say, that was
never important. What was important was the laundrette, I always felt that was
the perfect place where we could meet, the perfect place to see her at her most
personal and relaxed, she couldn't cast any shadows here. I stare at the wall
for a few moments hoping to see something of note but I fail miserably. She's
completely naked so I draw circles with a marker on the wall to tell everyone
I've failed. This is the moment where she sees me for all the flaws of my chain
smoking, breath smelling of alcohol and all the bandages on my wrists, my face
full green and unable to to look into the harsh light of the place, that I'm a
failure. I feel sick and I cough up a bit of blood but she's sitting next to me
enjoying a cigarette with me asking how my day was and what I would be doing
this weekend. I lied the truth is we do fall in love the moment when I light her
cigarette with my own and pass it to her.

But then I was always good at telling a lie.

musik

• Love Will Tear Us Apart- Joy Division
• Transmission- Joy Division

kino

• Resident Evil- Degeneration

vershieden

• Pardon Ms Ardon- random band, random night,
• the British girl that grabbed me and made me jump about to 'some might say'
• dim sum with A 師父
• not realising where the hours in the day slip to,
• Ewan Macgregor speaking in German.
• Meeting some more people in Germs and then going bowling with them,
• the number of colleagues now working in Germs.
• My cousin telling me to repopulate Bavaria.

tastes like strawberry wine

Loneliness is something in the mind, if you really want to be lonely then fine be that way, if you want to make friends and you don't want to go out, then tough. For me it's less art and more of an attitude of belligerence.

I know many a person that struggle with being in a room on their own with their thoughts chasing them around the sofa, the voices in the mind becoming louder by the second. Lucky for me, I've listened to the voice in the head called Akira, kept me company in all the bad times and was never there for me in the good times. Its funny how the most messed up aspects of your life are the ones that save you from a future which will never happen now.

We all miss Akira, I know Hartle in particular does.

Songs of romance to recognise our sick obsessions. We all know Art is Hard.

I'm forever caught out staring into space, be it at a television, a wall, the newspaper covered in blood. Someone snaps a branch over my head and there is no reaction, that's just the way I am. But the truth is none of this is making much sense, I want to draw a picture for everyone to describe
everything I'm feeling. My egos like my stomach, I keep shitting what I feed it.

musik

• Art is Hard- Cursive
• Red Handed Sleight of Hand- Cursive
• Hands Down- Dashboard Confessional
• A Swizz Army Romance- Dashboard Confessional
• Temptation- Dizzee Rascal
• Straight Outta Compton- N.W.A.
• Guilty Conscience Eminem
• Amityville- Eminem
• Hounds Of Love- The Futureheads
• Absinthe Party At The Fly Warehouse- Minus The Bear
• Temptation- New Order
• Talk Tonight- Oasis
• Sureshot- Yellowcard
• Bleed America- Jimmy Eat World

kino

• Cloverfield

sport

• FC Bayern vs Hoffenheim
• Hamburg SV vs Galatasary

vershieden

• People understanding my German.
• People understanding my English.
• Watching the Bayern match standing outside of the bar with all the other cretins and plebs.
• Learning typical football fan phrases are universal across the continent.
• Realising the strengths I have will get me far, it's my weaknesses which I will not allow to hold me back.
• Looking good side by side with this girl I know.
• Dim Summing my fucking face.
• And mentioning my mate Phil on here because we agreed I would do it but we can't remember what for.
  

she lost control

I'm as guilty as anyone in this world for not giving things a second chance, watching Control for the first time and I realised that a teenage hero for me was lost because others were obsessing about Kurt Cobain. If you wound the clock back 10 years and placed a Joy Division album between my copy of The Bends and OK Computer, I suppose my life would have been a little different.

But that's the interesting thing, at that age all you can do is feign at really believing the words that you read and write, I certainly did, for every feeling in my heart it was pen to paper with a selection of poor metaphors about some girl I never had. Control to me sums up everything romantic you believe at that age, music doesn't have to be beautiful, that love is pain, that people are shit and cannot commit and that the only way out is suicide. Aged like a beautiful bourbon in an oak barrel and I cant bring myself to even consider those things anymore, let alone declare them romantic. At the end of the film although knew what was to happen, I felt the shiver crawl up my spine and remind myself that life is in front of me.

Counting the days as they slip by, like some sort of advent calendar which shows how your life is falling away from under your feet. I decided to stop living in pity and it changed my life, I gave up trying to be in a good mood and just stayed in a good mood. Since I said those words in the mirror staring myself straight in the eyes, my own pretty brown eyes, it wasn't the world that changed. The world stayed the same and everyone got on with their lives.

If I could go back in time I would have spoken to Ian Curtis and said to him, it's ok to feel the way he did. I doubt I would have made a difference, but it clears my concious for all those kinds of feelings he went through.

RIP Ian- I hope heaven is beautiful for you.

musik

• Close To Me- The Cure
• Just Like Heaven- The Cure
• Let's Make Love (Listen To Death From Above)- CSS
• Strawberry Wine- Ryan Adams
• Grounds For Divorce- Elbow
• Acquiesce- Oasis
• Waiting For The Beat To Kick In- Dan Le Sac vs Scroobius Pip
• Ceremony- New Order
• Bizarre Love Triangle- New Order

videospiel

• Final Fantasy Tactics- War of the Lions
• Street Fighter Alpha 3
• Minna No Golf

vershieden

• Geoffrey and the others for letting me join in- very much appreciated to make some new friends and give me a chance to learn Mando properly,
• Not needing to speak English,
• Papa Pedro hating Thursday,
• Not craving nicotine even when they sell it on the streets,
• Nutella in a vending machine- Germans 1 : Japanese 0,
• The scary black rubber cock in the window of the erotic shop on Scheimlesser Str,
• Trying to work out what 'There Will Be Blood' is about,
• Promising myself I wouldn't miss out on Joy Division for a second time in my life,

to describe the world

There's always a first for everything, but today was the first day the locals all spoke German to me. Not a word of English all day, even when I didn't have the words for 'can I have the bill', everything was in German. Sure I admit it was survival German, I wasn't having an involved conversation in German about Kandinsky or about the economic crisis and what that means for my pocket, but its a start.

Although, I still don't see what the big deal is about the sausages here, they taste like sausages.

Missing them (fried) eggs back in the UK will see you guys soon.

Things I've noticed (which may only be applicable to Munich).

• When crossing a road, you will be guaranteed even if the guy is steaming around the corner, he/she won't run you over.
• On the tube, the doors do not automatically open but they do automatically close.
• About 50% of people I have seen smoke here.
• You order chestnuts by the stuck (pieces).
• German MOTD has an audience with much appreciative applause.
• 'got talent' the Germs equivalent is about fat middle aged to elder people prancing about on stage doing covers- yes that scary.
• Sundays are as they were in 80's England.

Musik

• Tell Me Ten Words- Idlewild
• Kala- M.I.A.
• Hustle- M.I.A.
• Sarabande- J.S. Bach
• Stockholm Syndrome- Blink 182
• Girl From the North Country- Bob Dylan
• Munich- The Editors
• It's Not Over Yet- The Klaxxons
• Uno- Muse

Kino

• The Mad Detective- Jonny To/ Lau Ching Wan
• Control
• There Will Be Blood

buch

• Lonely Planet Guide- Germany

Vershieden

• Realising one of my favourite things in the world are markets,
• Watching a Bavarian volks band playing, violins, guitar, pipe, random percussion and lots of shouting.
• Gluewein- one mug and I was mugged.
• Pan-fried sauerkraut, another notch on the posts, will try that when I return to the UK.
• German fussball is pretty entertaining,
• Finally understanding the public transport system here, a lot more simple than Tokyo (although no Maranouchi line, oh how I miss thee)
• The cellist at the end of the Gallerie Str- she played beautifully,
• No Hansen on MOTD-Germs Edition.
• Ricardo Montalban texting me while I was on the 2.5km walking tour.
• Not realising the significance of Konig Platz in history, it isn't just the place which Shumbles drove past when he was lost in the dark looking for a hotel.
• Seeing people dressed up as yetis with masks dancing in front of the Rathaus, will have to ask someone or investigate.

dreamt of a fever

It's the snow lining the roads which throws me off every morning I wake. I can see my own breath but that's nothing special. All my life I've tried to catch the my breath steaming up in my hands, I open them up and only for the mist to disappear into the ether. No one ever told me why that happens (and for those about to lecture me about the physics of solids, liquids and gases you're missing the point).

Only been a few days and I'm getting a feel for the place, sure I've spent time in at work and in a hotel, but it's the smell of the place, the air, putting your ear to the ground and listening to the beat of peoples feet pounding the pavement. I like the fact I can walk out where I'm staying and see the Kandinsky exhibition is next to the museum for Greek and Roman sculpture. I suppose it's the feeling that I'm not going to get shanked, maybe the feeling that all the Chinese restaurants are run by Vietnamese. Whatever it is, will I call this place home? As the girl I fell in love with nearly half a decade ago said to me 'who knows?'.

sports

• Portsmouth vs Hull
• Famgusta vs Bremen

vershieden

• German roads as good as I have thought
• the snow that lasts forever, kicking it down never gets old
• watching Bremen play, football cultural exchange was never going to be this good
• finally getting home without getting lost, needing to park 5 times, find no spaces in the car park
• upstairs downstairs at work, my legs will be even bigger come xmas
• the way German's drive, actually very my kind of driving.
• German girls that eat curry, very nice
• seeing Glen Johnson's goal, lean over to shake my old bosses hand to find he was pissing about with his phone and missed the whole affair
• the fact that my dad will try and save money even if the company is paying for it
• having the courage to slowly speak (broken, basic one of the b's of this world) German

photographs on the floor

I sort of guess my way out of the airport, end up on a motorway seemingly facing Munich. For a good few miles I really don't believe I'm on the right road, the sun has set so I cant use it for reference, I'm not even even sure this road is heading south towards the city. The turning to Lindau/ Stuttgart winds to my right and I know as I continue down this road I'm going the right way.

A change of motorway which is smooth (these German roads are the best I've seen/exp in Europe) and to my right as it rises over the hill is the Allianz Arena, its red so I'm assuming the opposing team to arrive wear red (Milan would have been the easiest answer save the fact that they aren't playing a big team this week). A wrong turn after some road works confuse me and I end up in some random places, an industrial estate, past the LIDL headquarters, the roads a good but random. I even ask for directions which don't help because I don't listen to them and end up in stranger places. I spend another 20 mins trying to get back to the right road and stumble on the right direction. I have myself a mini tour of the city and its beautiful lit up by the night lights. I find the hotel but I'm on the wrong side of the road, I park in the garage about 5 times to get it just right.

I even play it safe and order the same thing for dinner as I had the last time I was here, the cute Asian waitress understands my bad German after the first beer (the courage beer I call it)

but in the end none of this matters, all that matters is that I'm here like Dizzee Rascal and it's finally sunk in.

Already missing you my beautiful eggs.

vershieden

• getting lost in the dark
• finding ones way again without really trying
• hartle fry ups before going
• realising i'm only human and letting it all out for an hour
• getting smashed and experiencing the above
• German roads- they are pretty straight forward (unlike in Holland- best roads my fucking arse)
• Phil to see me off at T5
• disappointing taxi driver, the least interesting one yet
• seeing the English countryside one last time before I see Bavarian countryside

stand up tall

For the number of cigarettes I've smoked in my life, it's like counting the days off a calender and then throwing up. No, that metaphor made no sense but then that's the way I've always seen it.

Not the cigarettes, the making sense part.

Just a post to say to everyone, I've had a smashing year, Japan was a good way to round off the last chapter and well this is the start of the next.

Love you all my beautiful eggs. See you at xmas.

I once fell in love with someone. I couldn't stop wondering if she loved me or not. I slowly began to doubt myself. Maybe the reason she didn't answer was not that her reactions were delayed but simply that she didn't love me. So at last, I got it. It's entirely beyond my control. After a while she was gone. I went to 2046 hoping to find her there. But I never found her.

The only thing left for me... was to give up.

musik

• Showtime- Dizzee Rascal
• Paper Planes- M.I.A
• Bamboo Banger- M.I.A

kino

• REC

vershieden

• scary spanish films
• not being sure if the Secretary is messing with me
• dim sum
• east side crew- get paper
• one day trips to find nice ties
• talking to Janet on the phone telling her to drink lucozade
• bumping into Leanne buying a hard drive off her and then talking dirty to her online
• downloading in general
• fixing the laptop o wonder- how I missed thee
• talking to Chantelle on the phone about her sore arse
• leaving this chapter and turning the page to the next

lust will only get us, so far now

The night before my holiday I starting scribbling a boarding pass onto a scrap of paper that was left on the side of my desk. There was no destination written down and my name was something stupid. I wetted my thumb and smudged the name a bit and then wrote over it a few more times until the pen went through the piece of paper. I pulled out some sellotape and tried to piece together the bits that fallen apart in my hands. I cradled the remains for a few moments and then gently folded it up to it would fit inside my wallet.



I was travelling half asleep all day first my father drove me to the coach stop, the coach pulled up and took me away to the airport. I tried sleeping knowing that my boarding pass could be anywhere, I arrived at the check in counter and handed the girl with the cute smile the pass. I collapse, pass out at the counter and never wake up.

Love you my beautiful eggs.

Random Commentary on Japan No. 21
Yakuza types will hang out on the street corner in Ikebukuro, never will they say more than two words to you unless your looking for action.

schwarzwiessfernsehen

• NASA- Day We Left The Earth

videospiel

• Monster Hunter Freedom 2

vershieden

• pragmatic David
• Fosterball in general, what a dude.
• Shouting dude across the work place.
• Dim Summing with ma mere
• cooking din dins for Lily, just hope she wasn't too sick

it was a mistake from the start

The slow conclusion is that the places in your heart, places you choose to remember and catch for nostalgia. Those the best places in the world, but the best thing about them is they are your places and no one-else's.
For me there are two places, both obvious to anyone that knows me well enough. Standing at the edge of the seaside and sucking in the beautiful cold sea air. My lungs full of the salty acrid freshness. I let out a deep scream from a gentle sigh. The words indistinct and incredible no one cares.
The other place is being lost in the labyrinth of the market on the slopes of Central, I crane my head to see the skyscrapers of the Victoria Harbour skyline. I keep running until my lungs explode from the arsenic pollution coating.
Feels a bit indifferent to be back, missed you my shiny happy people.

Random Commentary on Japan No. 14

The younger they are the more mental they seen to be, the older they are the quieter they seem to be (unless they are drunken salary men). Japanese school girls are the worst/ repeat offenders.

musik

• Math + English – Dizzee Rascal

podcasto

• Ricky Gervais show

kino

• Indianna Jones- The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
• 21
• Harry Potter- The Order of the Phoenix

versheiden

• the yakuza types on the street corners of Ikebukuro
  
• Goveys love for Mens Yukai
• Gundam
• the feel of Japanese moneys
• old 747 Jumbo Jets- more comfort than you could imagine
• Uniqlo for the long johns
• my new coat and matching gloves
• Roppongi madness
• the Maranouchi and Yamanote line- so much better than the DLR in London
  

patches of blue sky

A few of my favourite things include packets of jelly babies, listening to passing trains, bourbon and photographs. A few years ago I spent a day routing around the garage to drop a suitcase at my feet and it to split open which was full of old black and white photos of my family. They all stared back and smiled at the camera without the knowledge and history which surrounds all of them.

I have a wry smile about it all but I realise that for every picture a story told, the pains, the problems and all the other things which we quickly forget are never caught. I remember them and tie my own stories around it, but I know that when I'm gone the photos mean nothing. Maybe they will end up on someone's wall as a calender of old immigrant families. I try to rewind into the past and I quietly rack my brains, finally remember it was 10 years ago and I’m playing Famicom with my uncle. I don’t remember anything else, just playing Famicom for the first time in my life thinking why I never had one at home in England. I never had that in a picture.

We fast forward into the present and the opposite is true of the world now. We are under a deluge of cheap pictures streamed from peoples digital cameras and mobile phones. They take so many pictures in an effort to capture the moment of all the happiness, the emotion, even the sadness. And really it’s the same, it captures nothing, people smiling inanely, drunken moments of people pulling faces. I wonder how we will all feel this generation for all the millions upon millions of bytes of photographic data, when they look back on it all. I'm as guilty as anyone of it so maybe this is the future or maybe I’m just playing at being nostalgic.

Those pictures from the past were something, I hope to bring you some new pictures without the drunken escapades over the next few weeks my beautiful eggs.

I looked through the window pane and could only think of one person.
If someone gave you a boarding pass like this, would you let them fly?

musik

• Titanic Vandalism- The Go Team!
• Crosstown Traffic- Jimi Hendrix
• A Thousand Apologies- Lost Prophets
• Revol- Manic Street Preachers
• How Could I Just Kill A Man- Rage Against The Machine
• Knights of Cydonia- Muse
• 風の谷のナウシカ- 君をのせて
• 夢中人- 王菲

kino

• Chungking Express- Wong Kar Wai

vershieden

• Learning White Boards do indeed fight back,
• Navy nurses that can't do slings.
• Goetz for being a drunken loon with the policeman's helmet.
• Finding random curry houses with Mr Baker even when he should be playing football.
• Drinking with Oldlady and seeing him dance in front of me.
• Jay revealing his geekdom very slowly.
• Plane tickets with a boarding pass like this.

we saw the western coast

I always thought it would be my heart breaking in two before anything else, instead it's wiping the sweat from my brow and shouting obscenities at myself. I spent a late Saturday afternoon nursing the ache which was running up from the tip of my right toe all the way up to my throwing arm. Ultimate Frisbee is one of the hardest games/sports I have participated in my life.

People talk about learning lessons the hard way and with a bunch of friends/ colleagues we showed we had the enthusiasm and the passion, sure we were missing a lot of major ingredients. But, the most important thing is we learnt, we changed our play, we started to ingrain into our minds how to play the damn game. And play it properly we did by the end of it all.

But for now I'm going to nurse my aching legs so I'm ready for footie on Tuesday.

Miss you all my beautiful eggs.

I knew my parents inside loved me loads, but they showed it by press ganging me into being their cheap slave for long summers working in the takeaway, but that was ending. We had unpacked everything from the car and I bid my father farewell and gave him a hug which was never something we felt comfortable doing, I was missing him scolding me already. Having settled into my routine of nothingness over the summer, the boredom setting in and all I wanted to do was learn something. I was still staring at my computer screen and changed my desktop background for the 50th time as if I mattered if I had a picture of a naked girl or a picture of a car. Corduroy came back an hour later with food and alcohol, but we still went out and got takeaway. He ordered a burger with chips and I ate my first kebab in the city. It tasted of honey and grease with the tang of chilli sauce on my lips. I wanted to throw up afterwards but we went back up and shared a bottle of whiskey I had brought with me from home. The halls were an awful place at night, it was too dark and I always had to light some candles only for the hall monitors to come flying up the stairs and give me good bollocking. The other people living in our block sat with us to share the drink, Corduroy opened his bottle of vodka for the girls that hated the taste of whiskey, I hated the taste of vodka, it reminded me of cheap nights out listening to indie music.

musik

• Kiss and Make Up- Funeral for a Friend
• 1045 Amsterdam Conversation- Funeral for a Friend
• Wake Up- Rage Against the Machine
• Prelude to War- BSG OST
• I Don't Want to Die (In The Hospital)- Conor Obrest
• NYC Gone Gone- Conor Obrest
• Heart Shaped Box- Nirvana
• The Most Beautiful Girl (In The Room)- Flight of the Conchords
• You Could Be Mine- Guns and Roses
• Rise Up With Fists- Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins
• Superman- Goldfinger
• All is Full of Love- Bjork
• Venus As A Boy- Bjork

videospiel

• Pro Evolution Soccer 2009- Seabass
• Valkyrie Chronicles Demo

vershieden

• impromptu frisbee tournos, where when marking I accidentally stare at the no.85 girls chest so she won't get away.
• catching Casey online and for her to say I should be with someone.
• Feeling something I haven't felt in such a long time and collapsing in bed
• losing badly but not feeling bad about it (losing isn't learning to be lost, it's knowing when you're lost)
• randoms catching me to join their footie nights
• seeing Monsiuer Scott for his 'surprise' birthday not organised by Françoise but not introducing his brother,
• Jose being President and thinking I accused him of being drunk,
• Gotz and Jose touching each other up in a really wrong way,
• watching Spurs lose to 'lowly' Stoke,
• and the fact that some people do read these words,
• Lily for organising this weekends exertions- Captain Fantastic!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the shade of the morning sun

Subtle change in my dress but more importantly my work. You feel at a crossroads where from being a child you're now treated like an adult. It's a perception even some of your friends change to.

And the truth is I love it. Tailored shirt, matching tie, good trousers, pair of Italian leather shoes and a beautiful duffel coat. I just pass the time listening to music with my pearl white cans.

A proper post later in the week my beautiful eggs.

Having settled into my routine of nothingness over the summer, the boredom setting in and all I wanted to do was learn something. Corduroy and I went to the first week of fresher with much haste. We already had a tally of which girls numbers we could get, the ugly ones and the hot ones. The first few days were the sexcapades extravaganza. I learnt a lot in that week, what I learnt most was that I wasn’t as unattractive as I thought, but I also learnt my standards went down.

I thought Corduroy wouldn’t have been as up for the things we got up to, it was a cliché hidden inside some treaties written to stop the cold war. Rats were crawling around my head and my feet were starting to stink. I took a long cold shower after I had sex with the last student girl. The marks on my chest from her nail my ripped shirt in the bin, I really needed to leave and get some fresh air.

musik

• One More Notch- Murder By Death
• If you Find Yourself Caught in Love- Belle & Sebastian
• Lithium- Nirvana
• Bizarre Love Triangle- New Order
• True Faith- New Order

kino

• Screamers
• Road to Perdition

vershieden

• realising Bekah although I love her, she thinks she makes me sick from the colour of her hair
• chocolate cake with soya based cups of tea with Mr Leslie and Miss Dryden (the sexy pair)
• my German friend sticking his tongue into my ear
• Artan's beautiful baby
• 'cliched' pics into the sun, cliché is never a bad thing when done well
• getting drunk with Baker, him to always ask about my sex life (why he is so interested I do not know), meeting Pedro's gf and then spending an hour trying to walk home from the station
• Lily's shoe laces and stretches
• telling Rich how we can save the company with my ideas skillz

is it hopeless and forlorn?

A song taught me to never regret anything in life, but another song tells me I should think about the girl from the north country. I'm inclined to think more about the girl from the southern state.

It's easy to strain your thoughts over someone you fall in love with, how much you want to be with them, except maybe you hate each other, the distance is too long or simply that the world moved on and one of you stood still. I find it's harder to live with the pain of what ifs and wherefores, a click of the finger the choices in front of you are lost.

Rewind a year and maybe life would be different. Regret makes you think like that, I'm glad for all the things that happened the way they did this year. Hope makes you stronger.

Love you all.

The kindness of our proprietor

I pulled it into my lungs and it stroked me all the way down patting me on the back. Nicotine chocolate tasting smoke, a coffee was what I really needed to keep me warm. The smoke danced in the light as if it was some Japanese kabuki play in the middle New York on a mid fall day. I left the cigarette in my mouth and reset my tie pin. My tie was a dark blue; it should have matched my suit, but in my morning rush I ran out of the front door without thinking maybe I should have gone for the other tie pin to the left. My finger nails were yellowed and untidy, I looked up hoping for someone to drop a pound coin into my hat. I put it on instead and walked along the embankment against the Thames water.

I finished my cigarette and threw the stub into the water; the short sizzle as it hit the surface to die out, was drowned out by the police man murmuring to himself. I smiled at him and he walked off when his partner had arrived. They marched like courting geese towards Waterloo Station.

musik

• Superman- Goldfinger
• 99 Red Balloons- Goldfinger
• Shiola- Murder By Death
• School- Nirvana
• Drain You- Nirvana
• Hiphopopotamus Vs. Rhymenoceros- Flight of the Conchords
• The Most Beautiful Girl (In The Room)- Flight of the Conchords
• The Boy With The Arab Strap- Belle & Sebastian
• Art Bitch- CSS
  

kino

• The Grudge

buch

• Old Kyoto
• Dragon Syndicates

videospiel

• Gran Turismo 5: Prologue spec III

vershieden

• oi resh accents, especially if girls have them, Colin Farell can go feck himself and his commands
• windy walks with multiple people this week
• messing Faye up with my ideas of how I fall in love
• getting invited to curry nights with people from work I've borrowed equipment off
• surprising Lily on the phone about how quick I can answer it
• getting my fight back

record of our failure

Imagine locked in a room with 5 other people, the gentle hum of the fan keeping you cool. The computer consoles to your left glow a cold blue in the shallow lighting. You breath in a little to save the o2, it tastes of the sweat 5 others in the room and a the clinical flavour you remember when you were a kid waiting with your mother at the hospital. Instead of waiting for a check up, you're waiting to save the world, if only I had the courage to do that.

It snowed the other day, some time I was thinking it was May,
But the ground was cocaine white covering the modelling clay,
The window steamed underneath my girlfriend’s breath,
I wanted to steal it from her, so no one could take what was left,

Taking pictures of the moment, had them developed,
Old faced and wrinkled caustic soda all over my eyes,
Sort of show that time works on your soul, to envelope
the difference between truth and lies,

It snowed the next day, this year colder than the one before,
Flat cardboard boxes full of clothes pegs and washing lines,
We wrap up tight together try to keep in the warm,
The fire place awakes and dances a burning light,

musik

• Sliver-Nirvana
• Big Guns- Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins
• Rush Hour- Jane Wiedlin
• Don't you Forget About Me- Simple Minds
• Robot Song- The Flight of the Conchords
• Thou Shalt Always Kill- Dan Le Sac Vs Scroobius Pip

kino

• Sunshine

schwarzwiessfernsehen

• The Flight Of The Conchords

videospiel

• Pro Evo 2009

sport

• Portsmouth Vs Stoke City

vershieden

• the friendly taiwanese girls selling me postcards of hope (http://www.tpcat.net/)
• talking to Baker about social engineering/politics/comics/life/friends/politics/saving the world
• shaking the hand that drew Watchman
• listening to geeks pitch really shit ideas for comics
• realising I was a fool to let that one slip
• stacking it on a Birmingham escalator and not breaking my camera

the sad trap of gravity

It seems I'm stuck being serious over Bob Dylan or Wong Kar Wai films, clearly an obsession so I need to lighten up a bit more, take a day off and have a good Thai massage or take a flight to the Bahamas to drink a nice cocktail. The closest I have come is lazing in the garden reading the newspaper, I suppose that's not a bad thing.

A favourite columnist of mine and personal hero, Toshihiro Nagoshi, one time wrote a simple equation for success. It went along the lines of (Talent x Hard Work = Success), which I agree to a certain extent, but as a way of describing life I think it misses a few parts. I think he misses the insanity of what should be done in a real office, I can't speak for peculiarities of a Japanese softco but I can for the ones flying around in my mind.

Things to try at work
1.run into a meeting while it is in progress and try and steal the cans of Sprite.
2.stick random pictures of Chinese medicine man onto peoples desks.
3.attempt to trick the project manager into signing an agreement that the project will pay for a box at the new stadium.
4.chasing someone with a pair of novelty scissors across each office you have access to.
5.locking up all the stationery and open up a shop from your email in box in an attempt to earn some bonus cash while you open up excel for the 20th time of the day.

If that made any sense may Baltar save you.

Nite children.

If life is making mistakes and learning from them, surely death is knowing that you can be content in not making them any more. My legs give way in front of me and I collapsed onto the floor in a fit of coughs and saliva covering my face. I clutch at my chest trying to breathe a bit better but to no avail. My heart was pounding harder and harder and that was the last of what I remember.

Waking in a mild cold shiver, a tube is stuck in my arm and the bright light above my head, it feels like it's swinging back and forth. There's a strained muffled noise coming from my left hand side, I try to stand up. My legs give way in front of me and I collapse onto the floor in a barrage of kicks to the side.

I made another mistake and it crept up on me to give me one more kick in the side.

musik

• If You Ever Find Yourself Caught In Love- Belle & Sebastian
• The Getaway Plan- Funeral For A Friend
• All In The Family- Korn
• Fake Sound Of Progress- Lost Prophets
• Anneurysm- Nirvana
• Stars- Dubstar
• Angkor Wat Theme- In The Mood For Love OST
• Kid A- Radiohead
• Dancing In The Dark- Bruce Springsteen
• Born to Run- Bruce Springsteen
  
• Renegades of Funk- Rage Against The Machine
• How I Could Just Kill A Man- Rage Against The Machine
• The Shape Of Punk To Come- Refused
• He's On The Phone- St Etienne

kino

• Master & Commander

buch

• Japan- Lonely Planet

vershieden

• Talking to old primary school friends about heroes and blatent capitalism.
• Chatting to Nikki and offering her a can of Healy stolen Sprite, what a super hero (Nikki not the Sprite).
• Pedro owing me money, which I intend to get back without the need to break his fingers and jam his head in a vice.
• The jetlag afflicting Tuckers face.
• Patrick MacGoohan.
• Being all dressed up with no where to go.
• Hair putty unused in my desk drawer, the wilder my hair gets at work.
• Finding this years Xmas album by accident as always.
• Making Boulanger jealous with another woman.
  

one more pefect thing

It's good to fall back onto your favourite things, I thought about writing about a Wong Kar Wai film again, but I think I need to wait for the Blu ray version of Chungking Express to really do it justice, so I'm going to rely on another favourite which anyone who knows me will know what I'm going to talk about.

Norwegian no Mori- The novel is a nostalgic story of loss and sexuality. The story's protagonist and narrator is Toru Watanabe, who looks back on his days as a freshman university student living in Tokyo. Through Toru's reminiscences we see him develop relationships with two very different women — the beautiful yet emotionally troubled Naoko, and the outgoing, lively Midori.

After being marched into a room and told to read a short story by Murakami about the 100% perfect girl, I knew I had a subtle hankering for a bit more of him. A bit of research showed my friend and I weren't onto anyone new, but that didn't matter. In our circle of friends we were the first to sample the stories and I still think the only ones. While everyone else was read detritus like Dan Brown or some one bit shovelware novels I had no time for, I found this book on sale in the Waterstones in Fareham. If I had been romantic I would have said I pulled out the exact change from my pocket to buy it, but that would be a lie.

I started to read it and realised that it was a reflection on my life, I know people tell me never to live my life in fiction. But the words spilled out like wild fireworks colouring what God had already drawn with a fine pencil in front of my eyes.

There are no spoilers here, but I will share my favourite character, well rather the character that changed my life. Nagasawa, a guy that Toru befriends because of a common love of literature, but realises he has nothing in common with him. Nagasawa in a single word is a 'shit', a crap human being who has an amazing gf who he cheats on repeated occasions with seemingly easy Japanese girls. He plays the world like it is his, if he had only a few words in his vocabulary it would be ' fuck you'. To all intents I would hate him. But the book doesn't unfold like that, the truth is, for all the wonderful things written and all the sad things talked about. He is the only character of truth, being so two dimensional that there is no bullshit surrounding him. This is what he is and he will never change because this is what he is.

'Only losers feel sorry for themselves' those words coming out of his mouth onto the page and then into the back of my retinas. Processing them for future reference.

But that isn't the core of the story, Nagasawa is only a singular part of the book, in fact only a bit player, I can't let myself spoil it for others. But, if you were to read Murakami, this isn't the book I would recommend. If you have the time go buy/ steal/ borrow The Elephant Vanishes. Read the short story about burning barns and tell me the meaning, I will make u a strong cup of coffee and we can talk about it.

For now nite nite people.

I threw up all over her and she ran off screaming into the night. I collapsed onto the kerb at the edge of the road, the cars lined up in flashes of light, even when I closed my eyes I could feel the air rush past. My head hit the pavement with a heavy thud, a minute later I could feel the concussion searing through my spine. My body jerked again and more vomit covered the floor. Those were a few hours which I wished never to have back again, why I was in this state and how I was going to get back to where ever I was going, none of that mattered.

The sun shot across the sky and it was morning, the leaves sticking to my face the cold air rushing over me. I could still smell the sick and it filled my senses all the way into the back of my head. I picked myself up and stumbled towards a direction. Where I was going was lost night, it didn't matter today. I was only thinking of aspirin and where Lana had gone during the night.

musik

• Norwegian Wood- The Beatles
• Dear Catastrophe Waitress- Belle & Sebastian
• Piazza, New York Catcher- Belle & Sebastian
• No Life- Slipknot
• Wrapped Up In Books- Belle & Sebastian
• Transatlanticism- Death Cab For Cutie
• The Archers Bow Has Broken- Brand New
• This Years More Open Heart Break- Funeral for A Friend
• Bullet in the Head- Rage Against the Machine

kino

• Godfather
• Godfather Part II

videospiel

• Rome: Total War

sport

• Portsmouth vs Tottenham Hotspurs

vershieden

• making more mix CDs
• talking football with the old boss
• the new lunch box
• anti excitement about hitting up Japan
• being a snobby shite to Hartle face
• having friends in the MOD
• German cuisine is bringing much happiness
• slippy full blast in an office full of 40 year olds and none of them hearing all the swearing

the lost cat

Nothing so serious tonight, just relishing in the sublime finish from the Frenchman.

One afternoon, she caught me smoking, and scolded me, saying I had been reading too much Murakami; I just nodded while stubbing the cigarette on the sole of my shoe. Again she scolded me again for ruining my shoes. Afterwards there was no awkward moment as we walked home silently, not a word said between us, she had her arm linked into mine. The sun was slowly setting and the world seemed perfect, except for the hunger brewing in my stomach. Ryoko heard my stomach rumble and grinned pointing to the noodle bar just 5 feet away from us. We stormed in and sat straight down.

I wasn’t a Japanese noodle bar, but a Thai one instead, of course or the hunger now taking over. I choose the first beef dish I saw, while Ryoko ordered something or other I never knew, she could speak Thai as well, putting my French to shame.

We began talking about the films but ended up with talking about love. I told her I would do anything for a girl, my heart so convinced of this, spilling out like all the colours of the rainbow. Ryoko paused for a moment, wondering what to make of my words. She brushed the right of hair to the side, and I could see her beautiful eyes. I would have liked to say they shimmered in the street light, but that would have been a lie, they didn't catch the light as I hoped. I rested my hand on the table and she placed hers on top of mine.

She liked soba noodles the best, but was sure they didn't serve them here.

musik

• 2046 Soundtrack
• Title and Registration- Death Cab For Cutie
• Jet Pilot- System of a Down
• Prison- System of a Down
• Across 110th Street- Bobby Womack
• (sic)- Slipknot
• Cheated Hearts- Yeah Yeah Yeahs

sport

• Portsmouth vs Guimaraes

vershieden

• Matt for being a good bloke and good colleague, see you in the future mate be it on this project or another one (could go either way),
• the Frenchman and the Englishman combining for some beautiful football,
• my manager restoring my faith
• explaining what 'hum gar charn' means to people that don't speak cantonese,
• stealing chips from Pedro
• the red wine recommendations
• Super Mario Kart Challenge

a thousand guilts

I started off writing about something else, but it didn't feel right for the words to spill out on the page like wild fireworks (just to coin a phrase I wrote when I was in University). Instead I thought talking about the weather and how its nice and cold, cold enough for me to wear my lovely duffle coat I purchased from the cute Irish girl in Southampton one Sunday afternoon. She had a beautiful smile and raven hair, I couldn't say no.

But back to what I wanted to really talk about. There isn't even a word for goodbye in Chinese, you can only say 'see you again'.

Wouldn't it be better if they were the words you said before you did make the shapes in the door way and then dance off in excitement into the darkness, while everyone you know and none of them have finished their drinks.

Some people say I'm horizontal, I'm so laid back that I would fall into an ocean of time, get lost without a map, but I wouldn't notice. Being excited over something just doesn't fit the crime for me. There's a disconnect in my repertoire about jumping up and down on the sofa about going on holiday, buying something new, moving to a new place, leaving the country for a new life. To me that's expected in life (no I'm not trying to be a snobby shit when I say that). What really excites me is every so often seeing my friends and family again, be that a gap of a few months to a few years. My hair all gone or all grey (the latter is preferable), my mind a little wiser, my pockets a little deeper and hopefully a lot heavier from all the gold. I suppose that's what I'm living for, seeing everyone again just to make sure they are all doing all right. Call that selfless, but I call it selfishness, its what I want to see, to see the nieces and nephews again so I can buy them Lego.

See you again sometime, much love people.

Writing poems to fit the crime, if I was guilty of anything it wouldn't be that. Mine would be mulling over a latitude of lyrics and thinking about Amy too much. I wish I had purchased 3 boxes of Haribo for her. She picked them up, ate a few and then turned me down for the night. My heart broke into 5 pieces and so I light a cigarette.

Instead I ended up a tab fiend, smoking a packet of stolen German cigarettes into the night while staring at computer screen hoping to type a bad poem out of thin air. If there was a girl I could fall in love with right now, it sure isn't Amy.

musik

• (sic)- Slipknot
• Old Snake- Harry Gregson Williams
• Eclipse- Thrice
• Scrubs- TLC
• Push It- Salt n Pepper
• World At Large- Modest Mouse
• Float On- Modest Mouse
• Sometimes the Line Walks You- Murder By Death
• New Born- Muse
• Banana Co- Radiohead
• That Time- Regina Spektor

kino

• American Gangster- Ridley Scott

vershieden

• Making mix CD's even if the people hate them
• realising in Germany they only sell 17 or 24 packs of cigarettes
• finding out that some of his younger cousins are just old women in disguise even in their 20's
• listening to the radio while making apple crumble and beef casserole
• the time when I would only read Murakami

cause either way I'm dead

A different tack this week, after being cut down by a colleague/friend about my sparse knowledge about certain subjects (don't worry redemption is in a pocket guide of misc facts), I thought I would share something dear to me.

In The Mood For Love/ 花樣年華 - Hurt and angry, they find comfort in their growing friendship even as they resolve not to be like their unfaithful mates.

Don't worry no spoilers on the film, but please do watch it.



My eyes were burning and I felt a little more lonely after I had seen In the Mood for Love, I paused at the end of the credits and looked around to see if I had any support from the people around me. For a sad state affairs I was alone and could only text Seth to tell him Chungking Express was no longer my favourite film of the moment. He takes a few 3 mins to reply and say 'I'm sorry for you Andrew I know how much it means to you'. Of course that never happened, but I did feel some loneliness and then some more after the film, the sun had set a long time ago, now somewhere over America making all the wake up to the news that there was a new day and we should be thankful to the lord.

The film is a slow burner like watching someone leaving their cigarette lit and not smoking it, letting the ash form into a length and then a small crescendo tapping off the ash onto the table. I love Wong Kar Wai films for his attention to the words, but I love them even more for the cinematographer Christopher Doyle he blends he colours all rouge like bad lipstick, but placed picture perfect onto the canvas. I spend a good week contemplating how much I want to take up smoking and slicking back my hair with a good pomade.

But why did the film resonate so much, I've never been married, never been cheated on, never been on a cusp of a fake affair, never had a stake driven through your heart. The truth is the third in that list, the idea of a fake affair is what runs around my small little mind because of this film. Could one live a lie, to hurt someone else. Could you fuck someone else to hurt the one you loved because her affair was more real than the shame you make up in your head, turn a few corners down some streets only to watch as she bawls her eyes out or she takes a sharp right turn to avoid you. I couldn't be sure of the outcome in my own life and the film doesn't give all the details, except that their intense folly is simply that, only a folly for ones self gratification. But hey, if everyone is being selfish, can't Cheung Man Yuk be selfish for the next hour and a half.

I close my eyes a bit happier with my epiphany knowing that a lie would make me happy for a few minutes, but keep me awake for the rest of my life knowing i hurt the one I loved, even if she never loved me in the second place.

Much love people.

Making the latest faux pas by offering cigarettes to a girlfriend, the look on her face was a priceless melt of deep and sick hatred. She said something like 'take those death sticks and go fuck yourself, but yeah I'm still free next weekend'.

I nod my head a few times and shuffle off lighting the Lucky Strike that was already in my mouth. Suffice to say I fell in love with this girl at once and we would marry each other sometime in the future. Beautiful girl with those Chinese brown eyes and a penchant for the white powder. All I can do is buy some more cigarettes in time for next Tuesday.

musik

• A Subtle Dagger- Thrice
• Deadbolt- Thrice
• Paper Tigers- Thrice
• Raw Deal- Murder By Death
• The Big Sleep- Murder By Death
• Shiloa- Murder By Death
• I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked- Ida Maria
• Anyone Else But You- The Moldy Peaches
• Grounds for Divorce- Elbow
• I'm a Cuckoo- Belle and Sebastian
• Step Into My Office- Belle and Sebastian
• Cut Your Hair- Pavement
• Surfacing- Slipknot
• La Cienega Smiled- Ryan Adams
• Call me on the Way Back Home- Ryan Adams
• Sawdust and Diamonds- Joanna Newsom
• Cosmia- Joanna Newsom
  

kino

• Childs Play

videospiele

• Crono Trigger
• Super Mario Kart
• Puyo Puyo

sport

• Portsmouth vs Middlesborough

vershieden

• the end of the world due to misguided media shoutings
• the Spanish with their 'pragmatism'
• 'the boy' or 'wunderkind' here's hoping he stays on his feet
• internal emails and work badges, a Hong Konger is always a Hong Konger regardless of where they live
  
• lunch with colleagues and knowing a random selection to make it different every day
• Enrique and his backhanded handshake
• a new season finally beginning
• realising that Hakka people will rule the world one day
• flirting with Hayley, the blondie from winchester
  

crash through the rafters

It would be a lie to say I have had no aspirations, at college and school it was socialism and the banner of Marxism emblazoned on all my books and thoughts. People thought I was saying it so they would take notice of me, that wasn't true. Carrying around my copy as my own personal book of truth it drove me to carry on believing that that Marx and Engels were right. From an idea to a revolution, the attraction of throwing Molotov cocktails at the establishment was for me so strong at the peak of my feelings for moral responsibility and love for Rage Against the Machine.

Imprisoned and tortured but as long as you knew you were there to right the wrongs of the world with a banner covered in paint and handcuffing yourself to the steps of parliament, telling everyone to fuck off if they told you what to do. How this gets replaced with emptiness I do not know.

As I move into my adult days, working in an industry where we can create things for the betterment of the human race, science experiments a bit beyond the sky above us, systems to help rescue workers save lives, looking to the stars so we can break the borders of the world. In a way, my little corner of my lab is helping all of these things, the little seed of saving some of the world. But I don't really believe if the seed did help I was doing it to save the world, far from it. Communist Manifesto gives way to Norwegian Wood, Socialism giving away to Capitalism. Peak of morality giving away to the harsh skin of real life, the realisation that there is no longer any black and white.

I can't compete with others in their ambitions, I wouldn't want to. If RATM can sell out, I think I everyone in their lives are allowed to as well.

However, after what was said it would be an even bigger lie to say I have not current aspirations;-
1.ensuring the last verse I ever write is for the woman I fall in love with
2.finding both a green and red copy of Norwegian Wood
3.to keep going

The rest can wait for me in the next life if I ever get there.

Throwing yourself into the arms of a crazed blonde girl talking gibberish with a thick Eastern European accent. Rather a bunch of crazed blonde girls are throwing you into her direction. She talks some more gibberish, so I walk off in the opposite direction. No ones loss in as the cold air starts to send a shiver up my spine. I tap my 5 cigarette of the night, I prefer it to drinking 3 pints and passing out in my own sick. I never hear from the blonde girl again, in fact I haven't seen her to this day.

musik

• Boy Decide- Murder by Death
• Sometimes the Line Walks You- Murder by Death
• Comin' Home- Murder By Death
• Sawdust and Diamonds- Joanna Newsom
• I will Follow You Into the Dark- Death Cab For Cutie
• Closer- Nine Inch Nails
• Fuck Tha Police- NWA
• Standing in the Way of Control- Soulwax Remix
• 1979- Smashing Pumpkins
• Jo Jos Jacket- Stepehen Malkmus
• Cut Your Hair- Pavement

buch

• The Dragon Syndicate- Martin Booth

videopiele

• Super Mario Kart

vershieden

• random nights without feeling the need to go inside Scandals
• chatting to Jose and Enrique
• Steve Mcqueen, what a fucking hero!
• waking up on a plane and asking for a beer
• luncheon with Pedro where we talk the most utter bullshit, at least we find it funny
• Joanna Newsom forgetting the words
• Bekah for the conversation, Samuel for the attentive looks he gives me across a room
• driving on the wrong side of the road in a big car and the fact the guys trusted me to do it

peach, plum, pear

Finally sitting in the place I will be working in the next few years of my life. Providing there isn't some force of nature bringing a mad rush of water to wash us all away.

Looking out of the car window you start to realise why stereotypes exisit. Bravarian countryside is beautiful, I catch a glimpse of the lake, but only a glimpse. I have plenty of time to go out to explore.

One note- German security guards, never have I met people so highly strung in my life. Get a shiatsu or something moite.

"I don’t ever think about [feminism]. I mean, it doesn't cross my
mind. I certainly don’t think in terms of gender when I'm writing songs, and I
never had any problems as the result of being female that I couldn't get over.
Maybe I'm not thankful for the things that have gone before me, you know. But I
don't see that there's any need to be aware of being a woman in this business.
It just seems a waste of time."

vershieden

• showers
• German dubbel bier,
• turning up late in a hotel and being caught out by the totem pole of light

water runs from snow

I remember being only 12 years old and looking through the window of a jewellery shop, noticing all the sparkling diamonds and beautiful watches which I still can't afford. At the bottom there were always fountain pens with gold piping and covered in rich black lacquer. I turn to my brother and ask what's the point of a pen that's worth over a £100, he replies that these are the pens you use to sign important documents. You rewind a decade and a half later and all I have is a biro and a headache.

I know if the document in front of me is important as I always seem to make a hash of signing it. Never a mistake signing the thing with my own signature, but always random things like the date or some number I'm required to fill in. I break out the tipex and try to cover up my tracks as quick as possible before the management see. I quickly sign it and I realise my life is finally going to change.

People keep asking me when I'm going, I will be there when I am there, will let you know then.

During her time with the brilliant green, she was rarely seen without a plush toy (or t-shirt, or bag, or hand puppet) of Elmo, the Sesame Street muppet. Kawase even went so far as to have one (if not more) accompany her on stage as the band performed on numerous occasions.

muzik

• There will be love there-愛のある場所- The Brilliant Green
• Vermilion- Slipknot
• Get this or Die- Slipknot
• Fight the Power- Public Enemy
• Careless Whisper- George Michael
• Peach, Plum, Pear- Joanna Newsom
• Method Man- Wu Tang Clan
• Killing In The Name Of- RATM
• Down On The Streets- RATM
• St Anger- Metallica
• Hit- Wannadies

kino

• 3:10 to Yuma
• Tekkon Kinkreet

videospiele

• Space Invaders Extreme
• Sim City 4

buch

• Batman- The Long Halloween

vershieden

• the realisation that there is only one Pedro Mendes- you my friend are a hero
• reading the right books to interpert her looks
• Grace telling me not to become gay
• listening to Payloard talk about Mongolian throat Chanting
• my work Dad being a good pal
• nutmegging fosterball only for him to nutmeg me and score