water runs from snow

I remember being only 12 years old and looking through the window of a jewellery shop, noticing all the sparkling diamonds and beautiful watches which I still can't afford. At the bottom there were always fountain pens with gold piping and covered in rich black lacquer. I turn to my brother and ask what's the point of a pen that's worth over a £100, he replies that these are the pens you use to sign important documents. You rewind a decade and a half later and all I have is a biro and a headache.

I know if the document in front of me is important as I always seem to make a hash of signing it. Never a mistake signing the thing with my own signature, but always random things like the date or some number I'm required to fill in. I break out the tipex and try to cover up my tracks as quick as possible before the management see. I quickly sign it and I realise my life is finally going to change.

People keep asking me when I'm going, I will be there when I am there, will let you know then.

During her time with the brilliant green, she was rarely seen without a plush toy (or t-shirt, or bag, or hand puppet) of Elmo, the Sesame Street muppet. Kawase even went so far as to have one (if not more) accompany her on stage as the band performed on numerous occasions.

muzik

• There will be love there-愛のある場所- The Brilliant Green
• Vermilion- Slipknot
• Get this or Die- Slipknot
• Fight the Power- Public Enemy
• Careless Whisper- George Michael
• Peach, Plum, Pear- Joanna Newsom
• Method Man- Wu Tang Clan
• Killing In The Name Of- RATM
• Down On The Streets- RATM
• St Anger- Metallica
• Hit- Wannadies

kino

• 3:10 to Yuma
• Tekkon Kinkreet

videospiele

• Space Invaders Extreme
• Sim City 4

buch

• Batman- The Long Halloween

vershieden

• the realisation that there is only one Pedro Mendes- you my friend are a hero
• reading the right books to interpert her looks
• Grace telling me not to become gay
• listening to Payloard talk about Mongolian throat Chanting
• my work Dad being a good pal
• nutmegging fosterball only for him to nutmeg me and score

red rocket blaze over Cape Canaveral

Lie down and look up into the blue sky, draw your finger across the sky and try and touch the sun. The tip of your finger glows for a moment before you blind yourself and everything is a mess of multicoloured whites.

After all the usual media bullshit of the Olympics made me completely indifferent to it all prior to Mitu telling me 'Andrew go watch the opening ceremony its magical'. Leave me enraptured by the event, indifferent to all the people talking about the same issues they know nothing about. I can smell racism even on the BBC but hey 'I shouldn't take myself too seriously'. But that's a debate not for these pages, it never will be, I leave that to Chuck D.

I admit it's rare for sporting occasions to make me feel in a way like music can clear all the thoughts in my mind, in a way films can bring me down to no room arrive, in a way reading the words from a page can catch a tear and not wipe it away. But I suppose the world never changes, the only thing that changes is when the photons stimulate the skin of the retina or when sonic pressure vibrates the small bones in the side of your head and sends the electrical impulses to the brain and what your mind creates from those impulses. Seeing the FA cup lifted by the Captain wearing a crescent of gold on a shade of azure on his chest, that brought me to tears, so many years of utter garbage and indifference turning into something that only made me feel pride but made the city the centre of the world for a few weeks.

But for the Olympics, there aren't any tears, Its not even seeing the medals being hung around the necks of the British for me its the change in the attitude that makes me proud, it shows that with application, talent and what I feel is the most important thing, hard work. Anything is achievable, we should throw those curtains wide and savour every moment of this and not wait forever for the next time.

She tells me that dinner is ready and all I can think about is her. I rush up behind her; she doesn’t stop me, my hand slipping up her skirt. She moans in my ear as I kiss her on the chest, my hand ever slower. I’m lost in a mess of black nylon fishnets and the attempt to remove my tie. Part of me hopes I’m caught red faced, and heavy handed, my wife slapping me across the face, ripping our marriage certificate as matter of fact. She won’t ever stop loving me, but right now my tongue is down my maid’s throat and we begin to writhe on the floor. I rip her stockings off and she straddles me. The fireplace keeps us warm from the guilt and lies, the 4 years of this, the four years of cooking roast dinner without Yorkshire puddings. She slips off her top and her breasts are full of youth and soft in the hearth light. I gently clasp them in my grey hands and she runs her hand over my chest.

musik

• Cape Canaveral- Conor Oberst
• Lights- Eri Nobuchiki
• Fury In My Eyes/ revenge (feat Thea)- RZA
• Goodbye Mr Lawerence- Ryuchi Sakamoto

kino

• Election 2 - Jonny To

videospiel

• No More Heroes- Suda 51/ Grasshopper

vershieden

• Katie telling me to buy clementines and not mandarins
• being surprised and unsurprised Conor has a new album and I didn't know
• feeling better and escaping the same shit I've been giving people
• Stuart for talking to me about HDTVs random moment of office work
• sleep
• watching the fastest man on earth for a second time

straight to the throat with the collar up

Never really understood the penchant for human misery, as this society grows older and merges into a new one this century, the cinema, the book, the music we all love, the endless pain of . The strive for poetic misery in human life. Maybe this sadness gives us context in where we live in our lives where we can fit into society. Maybe the actors/writers/musicians were so brilliant in understanding all the nuances of their feelings that slapping it onto an empty canvas was easier than whispering it into our ears. Maybe we like to see people more miserable than us, I stared at the ceiling for hours unable to sleep after watching Wong Kar Wai's 'In The Mood For Love', thinking maybe my life would ever end this badly, if I could take that sort of pain, would I survive the intensity of my own lies?

It felt like a hot summer night trying and failing at getting comfortable for sleep. Leave the window a little unlatched and a wind in the middle of the night will gust up, catch it and you will be freezing waking up in a sweat of wrapping yourself too closely to your duvet. Leave it latched and you can sleep moving from one side of the bed to the other. Cover on, too hot. Cover off, too cold. Your lover cuddles up to you used to the heat and you try to push them off the side of the bed onto the spikes you put into the floor of your bedroom.

Would I have survived the intensity of my own lies?

Love is all a matter of timing.
It's no good meeting the right person too soon or too late.
If I'd live in another time or place...
...my story might have had a very different ending

musik

• Honey, Just Allow Me One More Chance- Bob Dylan
• Starline- Genki Rockets
• Sunburn- Muse
• Girl Boy Song- Aphex Twin
• Bad Dog No Biscuits- Yoko Kanno
• Afro Samurai OST- RZA
• Yumejis Theme- In The Mood For Love OST

schwarzwiessfernsehen

• Afro Samurai

kino

• X2
• Dangerous Days-Making of Bladerunner
• Batman 1989
• Boyz n the Hood

vershieden

• a singular pint with Rich even if the weather is shit and the pictures are crap
• the German for acquring my first Bremen shirt,
• Katie
• Mitu wanting to know about art for artsake
• mixing random talking with Zoe and ending up with something else
• drawing shapes around clouds with my finger
• taking pictures of seagulls
  

without leaving a piece of youth

Finally in the throes of shaking this badness off using a nice selection of paracetamol and headache killers, mixed with lucozade and bad frozen veg. From a month of stressing over nothing, to a week of realising people have found me out and that I know nothing. My brain is empty of anything apart from oriental languages and song lyrics that no one really cares about. Self obsessed and self absorbed in this little world, it's like a comforter that you snuggle up to. I keep threatening to turn up to work in a bowler hat, but I think the wearing of a cape with a cane in my right hand would be something worth trying one time, winter can't come too soon.

Probably the weirdest thing this last week aside from all the shit of being ill, appearing on television, dumping all my work on Mike and seeing the back of Ryan Giggs was talking to Pedro about when we first met.

'You should never judge a person'

Impossible statement he replied to me and I agreed, in fact the first time I met him, I made judgement on him because of the shoes he was wearing that night before the assessment centre. The same pair he was wearing today on the way back from lunch. I don't want it to dive into what micro portions of salad I ate and what small talk about nothing was made, but it was an extended summer lunch which lazed into an afternoon of no work. What was my judgement on Pedro though? This is a sort of guy I could work with, albeit I knew he would sledge me for the rest of our days.

Three choice lines from my favourite film.

At the high point of our intimacy, we were just 0.01cm from each other. I knew nothing about her. Six hours later, she fell in love with another man.

We're all unlucky in love sometimes. When I am, I go jogging. The body loses water when you jog, so you have none left for tears.

We split up on April Fool's Day. So I decided to let the joke run for a month. Every day I buy a can of pineapple with a sell-by date of May 1. May loves pineapple, and May 1 is my birthday. If May hasn't changed her mind by the time I've bought thirty cans, then our love will also expire.

musik

• Vermillion- Slipknot
• Heavenly Star- Genki Rockets
• Starline- Genki Rockets
• This Years Most Open Heartbreak- Funeral For A Friend
• Sugar in the Marmalade- Leon Lai
• Lights- Eri Nobuchiko
• Being A Girl- Mansun
• Gamble Rumble- Move
• Nobody Does it Better- Radiohead
• The Living Daylights- Aha
• 1979- Smashing Pumpkins
• Try try try- Smashing Pumpkins
• Tonight Tonight- Smashing Punpkins
  
• Us- Ice Cube
• Only- Nine Inch Nails
  

videospiel

• same game
• bladerunner- the game

schwarzweissfernsehen

• afro samurai
• Chris Rock- Bring the Pain

vershieden

• the rattle of Paracetamol bottles
• the Kinneav for sorting out some ticks for me, we lost but who gives a fuck
• Telegramme studio, for housing messers, Gove, Evans, House and Flux as well as all the random shit they have collected and stuck on the walls
• Lou Flux for lending me the womb room, go to bed feeling like shit and wake up feeling a bit better,
• ordering Chinese food in English and confusing the waiter, at least Katie liked the food (CURRY BUN)

ended up with pockets full of dust

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is someone getting the best of you?

Spent a day chasing Scott through Waterloo Station shouting at him that Matt Damon is just over there.

Every week for the last 3 months there's a constant feeling of relief that I can get to the end of the Friday knowing that some adventure will unfold in the evening or on the Saturday or just to have a day where nothing can be done. Lazing in the sun supping on some nice Belgian beer stolen from the actor who always stands to the left of you. The problem is the creep of Sunday post 4pm where I know that the shitstorm of the week will brew up, it hasn't hit yet but then I still haven't learnt that it never does. Someone said to me a week ago 'if you hadn't of done it, it would have been me that done it' the first thought that ran through my mind was 'I don't think you have the patience for it'.

I'm always a step closer to 2046 though, the peon is starting to bloom a bit more.

December 17th 1937 after Nanjing fell to the invading Japanese Imperial Army, for 6 weeks mass executions, rape, pillaging and the general destruction of a city. Give reasons for war, hunting out disguised soldiers, politics, the evils of the Japanese Army. Personally, I can't forgive them for what they did and I never will, they (the Japanese Government) have never admitted to it or how they laid waste to many parts in Asia during the war, not just China.

But I will be going to Japan this year, holding no grudge against the people, for the sins of the past are the crimes we shouldnt commit in the future. To hold on stubbornly to my own hatred of those events would make me or anyone a poorer person. It's incredibly easy being whiter than white after being born in a country where people have it easy, but also a country which cannot even look after it's own children murdering each other, in a country which when told to jump says how high, in a country where we rain death on others for oil. I bear no grudge, if we are the next generation, ignorance and apathy is something we shouldn't hold onto. If you have protests to make you should wear them on your sleeves however.

I can't save the world, but I want to go and see yours and listen to what you might have to say. Love you all.

musik

• In the Back Seat- The Arcade Fire
• Honey- Mariah Carey
• Canon in D Major- Pachelbel
• The District Sleeps Tonight- The Postal Service
• Take it Easy (Love Nothing)- Bright Eyes
• 冷戰- Wong Faye
• Doing It Right- The Go! Team
• Best of You- Foo Fighters
• Pirhana- Sasha
• Icaras- Sasha

buch

• Nausicaa vol 2- Hayao Miyazaki

vershieden

• planes being flown at silly speeds and very low, into balloon towers
• the gundam model sitting on my hifi
• lightsabre cheese knives onsale near you
• Simon because hes an understanding dude and will listen to my opinions rather than dismiss them in ignorance (for that you get the dedication of that Foos song)
• Alan's alternate history essay, a bit naive in its content but has potential
• talking to Katie on the phone about riddles