ambitions are low

Untying the feelings I have for someone is a full-time exercise. If it was physical exercise my brain would be able to bench press twice my body weight. At times it would be easy to be sick in the mind, being so self absorbed in the words you write, read and perceive that the world doesn't revolve around oneself. In reality the world doesn't even revolve.

It scares me that to read about someone so sick in the mind and for them to take their own life, that I can grow a fixation, I suppose it's the first time in my life I can admit I do have a fascination with it all, even if people in my life have second guessed me about it. Case by case they are all different, but reading it from the perspective of someone on the other end of it, the parallels to me get scarier and scarier, to hear how they are hurt in the process. It makes me physically sick that they/I could hurt the ones they love.

I take back what I said before, peace is too good for some people, even me.

It was Christmas and this was the first one we would go to as a married couple, this time to my parents, save for my love of my parents I had a deep loathing for them. Janice loved them, I always felt that she stayed with me and married me simply because my parents were nice to her. For all my girlfriends, she was the only one my parents approved of. I never understood why though. I married Janice because I fell in love with her on a snowy day, she was working in a coffee shop just off the high street, the snow had become heavy and I wanted something warm to drink. She made me a really bad cup of brown water which I added copious amounts of sugar to. I was dishevelled and smelling of cigarette smoke, my black duffel coat soaking from the melting snow. It took me a month of bad coffee to gain the courage to ask her out.

I reached into my top shirt pocket and pulled out a pack of luckies I had been saving all journey. I placed one between my lips and rooted around for my lighter. I wound the window down a little and the cold draft blasted in. Janice took one as well and put it to her lips, 'like this? Or am I as stupid as you?' she said. She then took it from her lips and threw it out of the window. She did that because she loved me, but knew how stubborn I was.

One less cigarette meant 5 more minutes with me.

musik

• Easy/Lucky/Free- Bright Eyes
• All Sparks- The Editors
• Transmission- Joy Division

videospiel

• Pro Evolution Soccer 2009

buch

• Touching From A Distance- Deborah Curtis
• Batman Dark Victory- Leob and Sale

vershieden

• Stones for his jousting, mate you beat me this time, but I will get you back in the future.
• 4 hour reinstall of Togusa, runs sweet as it once was.
• Friday night with the YPA, was a fun night guys.
• Getting to try other hire cars of the world.
• Listening to an old man tell me stories.