she lost control

I'm as guilty as anyone in this world for not giving things a second chance, watching Control for the first time and I realised that a teenage hero for me was lost because others were obsessing about Kurt Cobain. If you wound the clock back 10 years and placed a Joy Division album between my copy of The Bends and OK Computer, I suppose my life would have been a little different.

But that's the interesting thing, at that age all you can do is feign at really believing the words that you read and write, I certainly did, for every feeling in my heart it was pen to paper with a selection of poor metaphors about some girl I never had. Control to me sums up everything romantic you believe at that age, music doesn't have to be beautiful, that love is pain, that people are shit and cannot commit and that the only way out is suicide. Aged like a beautiful bourbon in an oak barrel and I cant bring myself to even consider those things anymore, let alone declare them romantic. At the end of the film although knew what was to happen, I felt the shiver crawl up my spine and remind myself that life is in front of me.

Counting the days as they slip by, like some sort of advent calendar which shows how your life is falling away from under your feet. I decided to stop living in pity and it changed my life, I gave up trying to be in a good mood and just stayed in a good mood. Since I said those words in the mirror staring myself straight in the eyes, my own pretty brown eyes, it wasn't the world that changed. The world stayed the same and everyone got on with their lives.

If I could go back in time I would have spoken to Ian Curtis and said to him, it's ok to feel the way he did. I doubt I would have made a difference, but it clears my concious for all those kinds of feelings he went through.

RIP Ian- I hope heaven is beautiful for you.

musik

• Close To Me- The Cure
• Just Like Heaven- The Cure
• Let's Make Love (Listen To Death From Above)- CSS
• Strawberry Wine- Ryan Adams
• Grounds For Divorce- Elbow
• Acquiesce- Oasis
• Waiting For The Beat To Kick In- Dan Le Sac vs Scroobius Pip
• Ceremony- New Order
• Bizarre Love Triangle- New Order

videospiel

• Final Fantasy Tactics- War of the Lions
• Street Fighter Alpha 3
• Minna No Golf

vershieden

• Geoffrey and the others for letting me join in- very much appreciated to make some new friends and give me a chance to learn Mando properly,
• Not needing to speak English,
• Papa Pedro hating Thursday,
• Not craving nicotine even when they sell it on the streets,
• Nutella in a vending machine- Germans 1 : Japanese 0,
• The scary black rubber cock in the window of the erotic shop on Scheimlesser Str,
• Trying to work out what 'There Will Be Blood' is about,
• Promising myself I wouldn't miss out on Joy Division for a second time in my life,