a thousand guilts

I started off writing about something else, but it didn't feel right for the words to spill out on the page like wild fireworks (just to coin a phrase I wrote when I was in University). Instead I thought talking about the weather and how its nice and cold, cold enough for me to wear my lovely duffle coat I purchased from the cute Irish girl in Southampton one Sunday afternoon. She had a beautiful smile and raven hair, I couldn't say no.

But back to what I wanted to really talk about. There isn't even a word for goodbye in Chinese, you can only say 'see you again'.

Wouldn't it be better if they were the words you said before you did make the shapes in the door way and then dance off in excitement into the darkness, while everyone you know and none of them have finished their drinks.

Some people say I'm horizontal, I'm so laid back that I would fall into an ocean of time, get lost without a map, but I wouldn't notice. Being excited over something just doesn't fit the crime for me. There's a disconnect in my repertoire about jumping up and down on the sofa about going on holiday, buying something new, moving to a new place, leaving the country for a new life. To me that's expected in life (no I'm not trying to be a snobby shit when I say that). What really excites me is every so often seeing my friends and family again, be that a gap of a few months to a few years. My hair all gone or all grey (the latter is preferable), my mind a little wiser, my pockets a little deeper and hopefully a lot heavier from all the gold. I suppose that's what I'm living for, seeing everyone again just to make sure they are all doing all right. Call that selfless, but I call it selfishness, its what I want to see, to see the nieces and nephews again so I can buy them Lego.

See you again sometime, much love people.

Writing poems to fit the crime, if I was guilty of anything it wouldn't be that. Mine would be mulling over a latitude of lyrics and thinking about Amy too much. I wish I had purchased 3 boxes of Haribo for her. She picked them up, ate a few and then turned me down for the night. My heart broke into 5 pieces and so I light a cigarette.

Instead I ended up a tab fiend, smoking a packet of stolen German cigarettes into the night while staring at computer screen hoping to type a bad poem out of thin air. If there was a girl I could fall in love with right now, it sure isn't Amy.

musik

• (sic)- Slipknot
• Old Snake- Harry Gregson Williams
• Eclipse- Thrice
• Scrubs- TLC
• Push It- Salt n Pepper
• World At Large- Modest Mouse
• Float On- Modest Mouse
• Sometimes the Line Walks You- Murder By Death
• New Born- Muse
• Banana Co- Radiohead
• That Time- Regina Spektor

kino

• American Gangster- Ridley Scott

vershieden

• Making mix CD's even if the people hate them
• realising in Germany they only sell 17 or 24 packs of cigarettes
• finding out that some of his younger cousins are just old women in disguise even in their 20's
• listening to the radio while making apple crumble and beef casserole
• the time when I would only read Murakami