Last Night I Missed All the Fireworks

empty is nothing

2011-01-09T23:14:00.002+01:00

Slowly making an effort to fill the house with less plastic, a sound decree really, it makes sense. My parents had nothing in their possession save some family heirlooms which, even if it was worth some money they wouldn’t have sold them on.

For the saddest or depressing thing isn’t that some poor soul has to produce these things in a backend factory in Shenzhen. No the worst thing about it, that as part of the ‘civilised’ end of the world we lap it up as if it was mana from heaven. I glance around the room and look at all the things I could live without, it comes down to a few things, in no particular order, a copy of written word, my girlfriend and a single photo of my parents smiling back at me with my niece and nephew. For all my materialism in the past, of which I can testify was fierce, it has all given way to this feeling of not wanting to deal with more plastic junk rattling around my desk adding more surface area for dust to gather.

Like all trends or fashion, something comes and then a week later it disappears as if no one was interested in the first place, that to me is the epitome of owning more plastic crap then one can realise. A few of my colleagues were asking if I was going to get an IPad and for all my love of Apple products and the beauty they instil, I can’t bring myself to part with the kind of cash that will buy me a nice sofa. I walk into a conversation at work and it’s about playing flight control on the IPad, which is a fun game, but all I can think of is the price tag and a 2d game which enhances no ones life and fritters away some useful 10 minutes which could be spent writing a poem or inventing new recipes. That is the epitome of the less plastic equation.

Save your money my beautiful eggs, but more importantly save your time, use it for something wonderful.

They made a statue of us
and put it on a mountaintop
Now tourists come and stare at us
Blow bubbles with their gum,
take photographs of fun
have fun

they'll name a city after us
and later say it's all our fault
then they'll give us a talking to
then they'll give us a talking to
cause they've got years of experience

musik

This Charming Man- Death Cab for Cutie
Sheena is a Parasite- The Horrors
God’s Gonna Cut You Down- Johnny Cash
Innosense- The Smashing Pumpkins
Kiss Me Goodbye- Angela Aki
Baduizm- Erykah Badu
Have One On Me- Joanna Newsom
Magic Of Lang Lang- Lang Lang
The Complete Bitches Brew- Miles Davis
About a Girl- Nirvana
Twenty Years- Placebo
Eet- Regina Spektor
Us- Regina Spektor
It’s Only Rock and Roll But I Like It- The Rolling Stones

videospiele

Bioshock
Uncharted 2- Among Thieves

kino

Lord of the Rings Trilogy- Extended Edition
Exit Through The Gift Shop- Film By Banksy
In the Mood for Love- Wong Kar Wai
Alien Anthology

verschiedenes

loneliness in the flat,
realising how brilliant Regina Spektor is,
snow capped landings flowing into a mild winter,
wearing a helmet that makes me look like something out of Spaceballs,
wrestling with iTunes,
living for a future which will be full for happiness and wonderful things

stiller the oxygen the harder

2010-11-27T22:46:00.000+01:00

Zhuangzi wrote about dreaming as a butterfly dreaming as a man. It would be a little macbre and untrue if I was to stay that I cut myself to make me realise that this isn't a dream. But sometimes the dusk moment between dreaming and waking up can be a frightening experience.

I once dreamt that I was shot in the head, I died in the dream, the lead up to it a mixture of crazy moments which I don't remember. I just remember the sight of someone pointing a gun at me and the bullet slicing apart the left side of my brain. A moment later, I was awake sitting in a room, I remember it being grimey with a cold light coming out of the drawn curtains to my right. I heard my mum calling to me to come downstairs for dinner.

Then I woke up for real. I could have pressed return carriage a few days after that to make the prose more dramatic but I don't think thats the point of the dream. This isn't an anecdote which the psychotic part of my mind created to re tell again and again as some philsophical game. The only point I can really believe is that this really was me waking up from dream in a dream and only that. My mind was unwinding for the night and through circumstance and the length of my own sleep, I really wasn't ready to wake.

Sometimes it feels like the life I'm living is a detatchment of reality to what I see with my own eyes. My hope is that for all the pain and unknown unfolding as well the amazing and happy things each and every day of my life, I never wake up from all of this.

Live your dreams my beautiful eggs.

The further away I get from you
The harder it gets for everyone else, for everyone else

The happier I am when I'm with you
The harder it gets when I am alone, when I am alone

verschiedenes

signing up for a 10k special
serious chats in the afternoon
memorbilia hunting
Pete.........
burning desires to write and write
the end of another year

once thought unbelievable

2010-10-03T22:22:00.002+02:00

Life in the UK for me (well for the tasters I've had, I dont really live there anymore), it's always been a life of duality. Chinese to my Western Friends, while British to my Eastern friends. After all the words fade away I realised those things didn't matter as much as I thought they did and since then I've been enjoying the life I've always wanted.

But the duality in the UK, television bombards us with the life of the gutter in the UK, they show images of the places I grew up, the places of low opportunity. I walk the streets and hear the ignorance of people, how they can't do these things because of these things. I've had long conversations with Mitu about American attitude where this would never happen. Although that's a separate conversation for another time, she has a point, if there was even an inch of that in peoples soul here, then where would the British people be?

On the other hand, I realise the change, I walk the streets without issue, without fear of the police being on my back for the colour of my skin. My fathers stories of racist fights wasn't long ago although I can't remember them. They talk as if people have all gone to trash, but that isn't completely true, people are polite and for their ignorance they do mean well. I've yet to meet anyone starving even if my socialist vigour has almost been devoured. We as a country aren't the gutter trash that most people would expect if you really believed the daily mail.
But what's my point, it's as simple as saying things could be better, a lot better in fact, we as a people can over come as they Public Enemy might say. But then things aren't that bad here either, we just need to see the good things from all the ill reporting media.

On a different stroke, I started my blog more than two years ago, but this is just to say its been just over two years when I was sitting in one of the control rooms and I was writing a short article. At that moment I wondered a lot about what was going to happening in life, I could never have guessed. They keep saying that I would do a lot of maturing, a lot these things, a lot of those things. But the reality is something quite beautiful and stark. I thank my wonderful girlfriend for keeping me sober to see those things that happened and enjoying all the things we share.

Here's to another two years my beautiful eggs.

Threw my bad fortune
Off the top of
A tall building
I'd rather have done it with you
Your boy's smile
Five in the morning
Looked into your eyes
And I was really in love

In Chinatown
Hung over
You showed me
Just what I could do
Talking about
Time travel
And the meaning
Just what it was worth

And I feel like
Some bird of paradise
My bad fortune slipping away
And I feel the
Innocence of a child
Everybody's got something good to say

Things I once thought
Unbelievable
In my life
Have all taken place
When we walked through
Little Italy
I saw my reflection
Come right of your face

white sun scattered

2010-07-14T21:54:00.001+02:00

On some days while driving to work I imagine I let go of the wheel, placing my foot down as far as the accelerator pedal will go and see where life will take me. Sadly there are two outcomes of this; the first is the Bayrische Polizei peeling me off the side of the road smeared in a deep red. The second is as I start to swerve into uncontrollability, I snatch the wheel at the last moment before I hit another car and bring myself back out of it. My heart stopping for a few minutes while all the drivers around me shake their head.

If ever these thoughts creep into my mind, the rest of the day is filled with voyeuristic thoughts of Bob Dylan. Not voyeurism in the sense of stalking and wanting to know everything about him, it’s more wanting to understand why people obsess about him. These are just flights of fancy really, nothing coherent in a day where I shuffle from one moment to another without really thinking too hard. This is all a powerful solace: by means of it one gets through many a bad night.

Hope you are all well my beautiful eggs.

I want absolute beauty. I want this album to sing and fly and be full of reverb and lush layers of melody. I want it to be my beautiful, sumptuous, lovely piece of work."

Imagine a song, that really reached out and touched kids,
And not in a Daily Mail way, innocence corrupted,
But in a way where criticism remained constructive,
And wasn't too politicised and children weren't instructed,
To behave in a way that was unrealistic,
Or made out the way they live was somehow sick and twisted,
But simply pointed out reasons to get it together,
Not shouting "get a job", but just saying,

musik

Logic Of Chance- Dan Le Sac Vs Scroobius Pip
A Perfect Day Elise- PJ Harvey
Sheela Na Gig- PJ Harvey
Collision Course- JayZ vs Linkin Park

buch

Calcio- John Foot

verschiedenes

safari curry,
cordon ramsay,
water melons,
bbq pork belly,
baked beans,

back of a postcard

2010-06-27T23:28:00.004+02:00

Two stories are swishing around in my head around, not really related but somewhere in my backward mind it seems to fit that this is something that would make sense. I thought about how lucky we are in this generation, we definitely are.

When I was about 21 my mother told me to look at my hands on one side, then turn it over and look at the other. I didn't notice anything apart from the dirt under my nails which I tried my best to hide. My mother showed me her hands, I mean she was only in her late forties, still looking quite youthful, actually both my parents still don't look their ages. But her hands were quite wrinkled, blotchy and looking of age, the years of working taking their toll. Since that day I started to notice the veins in my hand creeping around the back of my hands like some ivy left to over grow at an abandoned house, the blotches and the loss of elasticity of my skin.

'Enjoy the youth you have my son' she said, albeit in Chinese.

These are old words but I was recently rummaging around the house I find an old battered suitcase, it was torn at the side and wrapped in a wonderful reddish brown leather. Even from ten feet you can smell the mixture of mould and moisture of the years. For some reason I thought that because the suitcase looked liked something my parents had brought with them from the old world, I would be allowed to open it. I took a screwdriver to the lock and it pops open and out falls around a hundred photos. I see all the people in my family staring back at me, smiling knowingly as the camera snaps the pictures in black and white, sepia and faded colour. I see my father the same age as me young smartly dressed, boyish like I am now and handsome from the beginning. I see relatives who I have only ever known as old people looking back as happy as my father was in those days.

But what marks us out from our parents? For the senseless posting of random photos of our youth drinking and having a good time, for all the photos we have which we stare back smiling, there are hundreds if not thousands for each one of us and only in the last 5 or so years. We book mark our lives without realisation, without the thought of the future which could change or creep around the corner in the next few years. I wonder when I'm as old as my father, what my children will think when they open up a computer or a web-page with their parents staring back all beauty and youth.

Turn over your hands my beautiful eggs and enjoy the blemish free skin, it may not last but at least enjoy it long as possible.

You may tire of me as our December sun is setting
'Cause I'm not who I used to be
No longer easy on the eyes
These wrinkles masterfully disguise
The youthful boy below
who turned your way and saw
Something he was not looking for
Both a beginning and an end

musik

You've Got The Love- Florence and the Machine
Pow- Lethal Bizzle
Remote Part/Scottish Fiction- Idlewild
Holiday- Dizzee Rascal
Summer Skin- Death Cab For Cutie
Brothers On A Hotel Bed- Death Cab For Cutie

videospiele

Metal Gear Solid- Peace Walker
Every Extended Extra

buch

The Great American Detox Diet- Alex Jamieson
VMware vSphere 4- Scott Lowe
Invincible Iron Man- Worlds Most Wanted

verschiedenes

bbq sardines,
putting Italia 90 away for another 4 years,
my gf understanding it all and revenge her favourite player will get,

gentle impulsion, shakes me, aches me,

2010-06-27T13:02:00.001+02:00

A holiday would be nice right now, but as I mature and the more serious I become about life, the more life entertains me into being about business or taking things even more seriously. But the reality right now is I'm stuck at Munich airport smelling like one of the worst things in the world, surrounded by my fellow country men who I have no compunction to chat or make conversation with. This is how it feels at times in China, a mass throng of people heading in a direction that only they know and we all congregate on a single place. I hate to imagine what the water closet facilities are like here. For the moment my flight is delayed which means it will be around midnight until I land in London, 2am before I get home and maybe a few days before I post this article.

This article would want to sound like I'm trying to drum up a complaint and in the some sort of Live Journal sympathy plea. But people know me well enough know the amount of hypocrisy I can live with, this is something I wouldn't do, not here in any case.

Instead to pass the time I write my blog and look around at all the different people surrounding me, they are all holiday makers except the guy to my right, he is sporting a pair of white Apple headphones and reading some book which change his life. I realise I'm staring at myself for a few minutes, except my headphones are a lot more expensive and I haven't succumbed to Apple products. This is my only revelations at that moment, for all the worst things in life, I realise that being stuck at an airport isn't one of them.

Well I suppose I can keep this up for at least another half hour or so, don't get delayed my beautiful eggs.

We stop in every passing place
To watch the world move faster than we do
Watch it pass with our eyes closed
The way we usually choose to

So I'll wait 'till I find the remote part of your heart
When nowhere else will let us choose a comfortable start

just for now

2010-06-19T17:43:00.003+02:00

Some would grant it a paragraph, some would grant it a whole book for the whys and wherefores of it's existence. A seed in a game creators mind, spitting it in digital.

Pulling at the sides of your mind, you can see out of the window and Munich's raining, I open the window a little in the funny way that all German windows seem to open and I can smell the rain. For all the Ikea furniture in the flat, it makes you yearn for wood pine panels, oak breakfast table and the sweet smell of rosemary in the morning from the herbs sitting over the window sill. Some fall in love with it all, the romanticism of living in the country side wishing life was simple.

In truth the sides of my mind melted only for a few seconds, the leaf caught in the wind and all the other flowers blooming throwing more petals into the sky. It's all so beautiful and to juxtapose this against the rainy sites of a New York-esque city with the constant beats of the cityscape. To steal something Scroobius wrote 'it's New York like in old movies'. I would be blindingly lying comatose in this fantasy, but coming back down to earth, the only thing that I would really want is the smell of rain on tarmac. It's worth the experience, its worth the time and energy unlike most of the time sinks I have been 'enjoying' of late, that is a subject for another night. In fact it's worth buying a PS3 just to sample it.

It doesn't matter where you are of what media you are watching/listening/playing, just enjoy the things that mean the most to you my beautiful eggs. Don't forget art is hard.
Second star to the right and straight on till morning.

videospiele

Flower
God Of War Anthology
Plants vs Zombies

buch

Catcher in the Rye- JD Salinger

kino

Ringu
Zombieland
Terminator

verschiedenes

olds visiting- nice
Next door neighbour Turkish guys stealing bikes
the single speed bike- 22min special to Grosshadern,
Ikea flowers special, nice to have a proper looking flat,
technology'ing with Hessi
giving up the drink,
having some really talented friends
vcp-ing,
incessant Munich rain, beautiful Summer,
watermelons from the Turkish market,
onions from the Greek market,

swift orderly change

2010-06-01T23:29:00.001+02:00

Electrons passing around at the speed of light, it doesn't matter who said the words or even wrote them down. A blinding animation passing by as if the science of the world had offered up all the answers and our brains were being cyber-hacked.

I wanted to write about all the bowler hats and suits that I had walked past every day to and from the training course, describe them as the snobby yuppie elite, but as I started writing I realised how old those kind of words sound. Instead the line of electrons passing around rattled around in my head, I thought about this while taking a long hot soaking bath. My flannel rinsed in hot steaming water and then placed onto my head the light opaque through the flannel.

I imagine the world would looking in on itself and see all the beautiful lines cris-crossing every day, tracing paths where people were treading across the pavements. The veins of the city, the country, the world. All being part of this and in a steaming hot bath gave me a clear satisfaction about it all. I could really believe that for a moment we all belonged here, less as cogs and wheels of society but more of the blood cells bringing oxygen to the world.

I breathed a bit harder when I was lying there in the bath and took the flannel off and stared into the ceiling, those are the sort of times where you either start taking life serious (or more serious) or run the cold razor down the wrists and forget it all. It was Nietzsche that said that 'The thought of suicide is a powerful solace.'

Don't believe in the system, but believe you are part of it all my beautiful eggs.

“Pressure? Pressure what? Pressure is millions of parents around the world with no money to feed their children.”

“Look, we’re not entertaining? I don’t care; we win.”

"It is omelettes and eggs. No eggs – no omelettes! It depends on the quality of the eggs. In the supermarket you have class one, two or class three eggs and some are more expensive than others and some give you better omelettes. So when the class one eggs are in Waitrose and you cannot go there, you have a problem”

musik

Special Needs- Placebo
Four Winds- Bright Eyes
Whatever Happened?- The Strokes
You Talk Way Too Much- The Strokes
Be Quiet and Drive- Deftones
Running for Life- Eliza Doolittle
Kidulthood to Adulthood- Bashy
Letter From God to Man- Dan Le Sac vs Scroobius Pip
Love Steals Us From Loneliness- Idlewild
Readers and Writers- Idlewild
FOC- Rodrigo y Gabriela

kino

Memento
Iron Man 2
Harry Potter und der Orden des Phoenix
Cars
Monster INC

buch

Anasi Boys- Neil Gaiman
Googled- Ken Alluta

videospiele

Final Fantasy XIII
Hustle Kings

verschiedenes

the disconnection- enjoying the silence from the internet
the velo- single speeding all the way
the hot pot- Fuji Special before the price change
the opportunity- seize every chance
the girl

another heart breaker

2010-04-11T17:02:00.001+02:00

It's been a while, the loss of a internet connection meant more trips to the MacDonalds than should be allowed, I keep my wallet in my pocket and my money in my wallet just to make an effort with it all. The general flavour is more of a cheeseburger than say a chicken burger.

The feeling or addiction of being connected, I know it well and like the worse kind of vices you can never really go clean by drip feeding yourself of it. Heroin or no heroin, cigarettes or no cigarettes, drink or no drink. It's rare to meet someone in between, able to check his/her facebook wall just the one time in the day or even better once a week. The thing is for all the interesting things to massage our retinas or to make our brains click ever harder, the rest is either garbage or a form of detrius that people seem to love more and more. The label 'junk' which is both a word for rubbish and also slang for heroin says it all. They say that religion is the opiate of the masses, but a modern update would be the internet is the coffee for the masses. People always accuse me of hypocrisy, some valid, some not valid at all. I would love to say that the words I've laid down here are beyond the facebook bullshit of drunken pictures, the sordid opinion of each and every fan boy or even the incessant pornography keeping lonely men up at night. But this is a slow burner so I can be content that it may take some time to decide where this stands.

But for now, read all the things you need to in the day and then switch off the computer, the router, the servers, the internet and go for a walk outside. It may be raining, but if the water droplets fall onto your forehead only to soak you through, be happy knowing that you can feel this. My words can only make you think about this.

Love you all my beautiful eggs, it's been a while.

hate for the ones we love?

2010-02-12T14:22:00.003+01:00

Last year was me taking my time in understanding all the things that I wanted and slowly getting them. Not to objectify it all, it wasn’t like a list of things which I said today I will get this. It was more ensuring that when I met those targets it was to be satisfied in them. Reaching out and doing my best to make sure I was getting the best out of things. The best out of life. Luckily this never ends, if you defeat every enemy who is left to fight?

The year before last was really the last vestiges of the old me, the stress of work, the losing and gaining of friends but more importantly the move across the water. Last year I wrote a lot about letting go of those childish things, but the reality was for all the interesting words I put up last year, they were slowly slipping away the year before anyway.

So it brings me to this year, rather I couldn’t let New Years Day be the place holder for all changes, but since going back to Hong Kong for the umpteenth time and up to last weekend, to say my life was all over would be a lie. To say things cannot return to what once was would be closer to the truth. In the throng of writhing European Language students descending on a single house in North End, Dizzee Rascal peaks my interest and I see my best friend dancing to it all, like it was 5 maybe 10 years since I’ve known him. I’m enjoying the night but realise I have nothing to say to these kids all trying their hardest to have an amazing time. I don’t bother trying, just let it go, you don’t need to be accepted by these people and neither will you. Acting your age is one thing, acting the age of your peers and not realising that your skin is sagging and your passport picture no longer looks like you.

Neither am I jealous of all of this. I always wondered what the best way of maturing would be, I haven’t found the definitive answer but for me it goes along the lines of enjoy what you have done, what you have in your hands, remember the past, but never try to relive. Reminds me a little of that Orbital song where the son is asking his father question about regret.

Never live in regret my beautiful eggs.

musik

Biffy Clyro
Everyday is the Same- Nine Inch Nails
Artist in the Ambulance- Thrice
Running Up That Hill- Placebo/ Kate Bush
Rodrigo Y Gaberiela

buch

Yakuza Moon: Memoirs of a Gangster's Daughter
Batman- Haunted Knight

videospiele

Wii Sports Resort
Final Fantasy VIII
Sim City 4
Warcraft III

fernsehen

House
F-Word
24 day 1 + 8

verschiedenes

Realising Kate Bush started it all,
Hartle for being a gayer,
Fosterball for being a legend,
Newman for being well Newman,
Androiding
Losing at Wii Sports

blankets on the beach

2010-01-26T20:30:00.000+01:00

It's like a dusting of icing sugar but when it hits my tongue the sweetness isn't there and I'm starting to get cold in the fingers. They begin to fall off at an alarming rate and there's nothing left of me to talk about. I'm just a pile of washed up blood and bones on the side of the road, not even vultures would pick at.

For all the melodrama it's just a little cold outside, but you still have to fight your way through the snow storms to get to work or home. I wasn't too sure if I would cope with it all before I moved here, but with any adventure you just have to stick it out. I think the thing that keeps me going or rather the thing that keeps life as interesting as it is (for keep on going suggests that I'm hating every second of it all) is that if you can stand up tall enough and look on the horizon, you can start to see the future unfolding. It may surprise a few of you that for all the words up to know have been laced in nostalgia, laced in the sort of things that only romantics linger on for a life time. But with anything in life it's all split off into a hundred different flavours or shades of blue, red and yellow.

The snow outside in the Munich wash keeps me indoors as much as possible, save the silly walk I take in-between lunch and before I leave for home. I walk out into the shattering cold with only a polo shirt and a pair of jeans. I can't remember who quoted it but it goes along the lines of 'we do most of the best thinking while walking', I won't bore you with my inspiration, but the sweet tones of the cherubs as they fall from the sky with the snow bring me much happiness.

The future is tangible and you believe that anything is achievable and everything is within your grasp. Most people would lose that naivety, but I say embrace it.

Look to the horizon my beautiful eggs.

musik

Imogen Heap

kino

Wolfcreek
When We Were Kings

verschiedenes

the opera
the job
the book of haiku
the responsibility
the girl

words to your favourite songs

2010-01-12T22:28:00.000+01:00

Lately I've been having strange dreams, moments where I wake up bolt up right as if I've heard something unusual in the house and then I settle back down forget the dream I was having and slip into another. But I'm lucky for the first time in my life since I was a little kid that the dreams aren't taking over my life, I remember times when I was dreaming of floating away from all of it, forgetting the words to all the songs and learning them all over again.

I'm neither a junkie or dreamer nowadays.

Stay beautiful my lovely eggs.

It's like forgetting the words to your favourite song.
You can't believe it; you were always singing along.
It was so easy and the words so sweet.
You can't remember; you try to move your feet.

musik

Far- Regina Spektor

kino

Avatar

videospiele

Vagrant Story
Dissidia

verschiedenes

the new flat
the new coffee machine
the new tv
Korean Popstar dreams
3hour session of Wii- arms aching

someone told me not to cry

2010-01-04T00:25:00.001+01:00

As one year burnt away into the ether we come into this year with all the usual lashings of hope and mostly sore heads from free form hangovers. I unsurprisingly drank very little this holiday season, the need and want flowing away from me like it was quick piss into the wind. It was the winter cold that bit me the hardest, my fingers turning black even in the mid day sun, my heart stopping for a moment and then I breathe in again a bit sharper.

It feels like I kept wanting to review last year even knowing that whatever words to spill out, these were always going to be pre written. I knew the feelings there were no surprises, it felt a bit scripted and so in the end when the year left us. It left without even a whisper in my ear. The clock clicked over and I turned over and got ready to close my eyes and dream of all the carbon monoxide it would take to ease all sleepless nights.

It all sounds a bit negative when a years beginning should be hopeful, but that's the point. I can see it every day in my office where people make big statements of life and living, where they know they can't achieve it and then it ends up a downward spiral into a hell which they never felt would afflict them. The truth is all I wanted to say was good tidings for the new year, but never let the optimism mug you and if it falls never let the pessimism get to you.

Pucker up and kiss the asphalt my beautiful eggs, Happy New Year.

slipping spinning

2009-12-17T21:17:00.002+01:00

Having been for the sixth time in many recent years, it really does feel like home. My auntie around a table of Hakka Choi said to me 'how do you know so many people in Hong Kong?' I shrugged knowingly and realising that there was no simple answer. A attention seeking loathelite? A bullshitter pretending to understand with a range of small talk? Maybe someone that just can't take being without someone to express their sadness and all that. I've been accused of most of those, but I know in my heart that none of them are really that true. As I said no simple answer.

But being back in the sterile arrivals area of Terminal 5 (or any airport for that matter), I don't have that tinge of direct sadness I've had a few times leaving. Its funny how I get older and my face is ageing by the day that I don't feel that pang of sadness. I feel that for no matter the distance, no matter the cost, no matter time we can't spare. My friends over a distance are always reachable and it only takes a years wait before I see them again. We all smile, a sharp handshake and a hug. Time slips by as if it was never there and we are all together again.
That was my feeling most apparent, glancing around Victoria Harbour. Although the Star Ferry port had gone along time ago and where was acrid sea was now a building site ready for some advance new greenery park for the people to enjoy. It feels like nostalgia was a little lost and all you can see is the future from that very spot.

I've said before that Hong Kong is where my heart is, but I think I need to take that back. Hong Kong is where I did a part of my growing up and most importantly a lot of soul searching. My auntie always talks about the family and what their problems and issues are at the current time I'm in the kitchen with her chatting over a cup of tea. It isn't a type of gossiping way of talking where we act overly superior, its more this is our family, they have problems, we want to help, but we aren't sure so we use each other as a sounding board. However, much like the way I'm talking about Hong Kong, this isn't the way to fix your family or friends. For the past 7 or so years I've walked this path on my own into finding myself and no one in the family or even my friends for that matter helped in the process. This isn't me trying to sound arrogant in that I don't need friends or family, quite the contrary, when you look in the mirror and you can talk to yourself and be completely honest about what your life is about. Not even learning to like to dislike what is staring back at you, it's about accepting what you are. Your friends have already done that, family have no choice, the only person left is yourself, that in itself took a long time to learn.

In a strange way Hong Kong taught me without lecturing me, that if I look on the inside no matter what is happening around you with the thousands of mad souls rushing around you. Part of my heart is there bouncing on polluted water of Victoria Harbour, but in the end the other part of my heart is content with what is here and now.

To be less pedantic in my words, it was a great holiday, one I didn't really need, but one I enjoyed nonetheless. I saw a genuinely beautiful moment of happiness for my two friends getting married, I met a few new great friends, walked around familiar surroundings, realised I had made some amazing friends in my time at University and we would always stay friends no matter the politics.

I missed you all my beautiful eggs but here's to the future.

musik

Florence and the Machine

verschiedenes

snake claypot rice,
laying flowers for the Grandparents,
drinking in LKF- Vivian you're forever 18,
finding ju bau bau for my Su,
seeing my good friend Charles marry his Beloved and being a part of the day,

bright light city

2009-11-23T21:41:00.001+01:00

A year slips by and we are all a year older. Are we a bit wiser, thats for everyone to ask themselves. I feel a bit wiser but still a lot to learn.

The interesting thing is no matter how far we travel in the end we return to where we came from, I'm not saying we go back to the places we were born, it's more the feeling we spend all our time wandering about be it in waterloo station staring at the glass roof, the Midlevels in Hong Kong, waiting for the tide to come in along Southsea beach.

For all the time I spent in Germany, the start of something beautiful and the continuation of it all. I've had a time which I could never believe I would live, glanced upon a endless lake and saw nothing but mountains surrounding, seen the view of a castle in the mountains, caught winter snow and to lay in it and stare at the sky. But most of all I met the someone everyone talked about me meeting.

Tomorrow, I go back to where I came from, but this time I go back a little wiser and a lot richer in my life.

I hope you all find your place in life, laters my beautiful eggs.

kino

Chungking Express

videospiele

Call of Duty Classic
Metal Gear Solid

verschiedenes

forever Hong Kong bound
My Su

silence through the night

2009-11-22T13:15:00.003+01:00

As with each day you age a little, you notice it the most and least in your hands. Everyday you use them and take no notice, its only when you do notice you can see the veins, the wrinkles and the colour of the skin. Once was pale skin umblemished, I can feel the stiffness of my hands as I clench them.

The most enlighthening and enjoyable thing about the latest generation of consoles isn't the ability to waggle your controller at the screen, even the HD graphics burning a hole in the environment. For me it's the ability to download old games.

But with that the nostalgia my fingers are creaking and what games I enjoyed as a teenager which were 'easy' at the time are just making me tearing out what is left of my hair. Well thats melodramatic, just pray Solid Snake doesn't eat lead for the 5th time today.

Laters my beautiful eggs.

kino

2012
South Park– The Movie

videospiele

Call of Duty Classic
Metal Gear Solid

verschiedenes

the new bike,
Telegrammes work,
promotions abound,
making sushi on a Saturday afternoon,
falling asleep watching Horizon,
looking after the ill and making congee,

light and the start of

2009-11-09T17:55:00.001+01:00

Autumn drew in for a few weeks here, winter came to stay. The odd thing is it feels I’ve been writing this blog for a long time, much longer than the 16 months that seemed so long ago. But in between that time I haven’t been to Hong Kong, anyone knowing me well enough would assume I would write pages and pages about the place (which I have and not shown anyone).

I’m going back in 2 weeks time and not sure what to make of my trip; it came out of necessity rather than want, but has turned to a nice state of wanting. The grey skies of Munich can be blown away five thousand miles away and turning into the blue skies of Asia . The song that reminds me most of the place is El Capitan by Idlewild, they had just released a new album a few weeks before I went there a while back, it was constantly on my mini disc player (which is two new MP3 players since) as I rode the bus to Central.

By the harbour I harbour the strangest memories,
over land I could ever be,
stranded in nostalgia,
so tonight I’ll try harder,
but it's hard to fix this floodlight on me,
in a cast that's taken to places,
I’m unsure of where I want to be,

The truth was at the time I was stranded in nostalgia walking around Victoria Harbour , but the world spun around and it didn’t care for me and my troubles, through design or failure I can look out of my bedroom window and realise I’m in Munich . Maybe not where I want to be, but who really knows where they want to be, especially when you’re 23. But this isn’t the point of this article, I don’t want to end up talking forever about how I grew up and these are the journeys I took to get there or here.

Quite the contrary, I just wonder what Hong Kong is like this time around, I imagine I will end up on the island somewhere with all the greenery, two steps away from the traffic gassing us to death. In the sunlight I find a small white cat with ginger strips sitting in front of me licking its front paw. I ask it where it’s going and walks off in a direction; it turns its head as if a motion to follow me to wherever it is going. I follow it down an alley way which is still drenched in brilliant light, it starts to move faster as I chase it, my steps quicken until I’m running full pace. My lungs collapse under me, looking up the sky is black without stars; the neon signs keep me company for the moment.

These are the things I wonder about.

What do you wonder about my beautiful eggs?

musik

Next Year- Foo Fighters
Best of You- Foo Fighters
Read Music/ Speak Spanish- Desaparacidos
No Cars Go- The Arcade Fire
Banquet- Bloc Party
A Certain Romance- Arctic Monkeys
Mardy Bum- Arctic Monkeys

buch

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

kino

Paranormal Activity

schwarzweissfernsehen

Apprentice- Season 1
Futurama
Scrubs

sport

FC Bayern vs FC Girondins de Bordeaux

videospiele

GTA4
Fifa 10

verschiedenes

seeing Bayern lose because they were crap, Allez Bordelais,
speaking to my niece on internets, scary stuff,
realising that films still scare me a lot.
Not wanting to be ill again,
The house smelling of Chinese, oh wait………..
Winter in Munich as the last leaves fall around us,
The white acer aspire one which seems to belong to my Susu, until I get my new laptop,
Not being excited about Hong Kong .

they both are satisfied

2009-11-04T22:53:00.002+01:00

Some days are easier than others, people would remind me that's all part of life. I find it easier when it's the hard days I'm not in control of, I'm sick, work being shit, I get mugged, the world ends and I'm swallowed up.

It's the other days I find hardest. Choosing the wrong words, not choosing the right words, not doing enough, finding myself staring at my own reflection and seeing my skin ageing by the moment. I wish I was more ill so I had an excuse.

I don't think there are any words I could choose that are mine which would fit. The truth is this is the happiest time in my life.

Love of mine
Someday you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark
No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of the spark

musik

Come to Daddy- Aphex Twin
Right Now- Korn

buch

Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone

kino

Up
Back to the Future
Event Horizon

schwarzweissfernsehen

Sopranos

videospiele

GTA4
Fifa 10

verschiedenes

the little potato
planning xmas trips
a really nice hot pot
teaching my Su to drive
long walks into the Hirsch Garten
random walks leading to the Chinese Buffet
swimming in an Olympic size swimming pool
my time with my Su

run rabbit run

2009-10-22T20:55:00.000+02:00

The question is what did I make of the motherland? In three simple words, I loved it.

The food was amazing, Beijing was a mixture of modernity and history, it has the pomp of a Communist capital, but the rare peaceful moment. Shanghai hasn't changed since the days of concessions except the buildings are much taller and the money goes into Chinese pockets now. Hangzhou is achingly beautiful, a tourist city which is surprisingly quiet. Wuzhen a mixture of typical poor countryside with one of the most beautiful places on earth.

It met a lot of my expectations, it broke a few others.

The little amounts of freedom taken away, it isn't anything like the West would have you believe, the police aren't hustling you from the moment you wake up. After living in Germany for nearly a year, I get the feeling its actually worse in a lot of cases in the West. The great firewall is more a pain less a way of censoring free speech (I direct people to fu ce ma). Police presence is everywhere, but I don't have the oppressive feeling I get whenever I see the polizei pulling up in Munich.

The poor are as poor as I imagined, there are ghettos in China, but there are favella in Brazil, there are the slums in South Africa, there are the council estates in South London. In reality I don't see how any of these places differ, crime rates high. Walking back from east side of Wuzhen I wasn't sure if we were going to get kidnapped, robbed of our stuff and then thrown into a pit to be buried. I've seen story lines in Chinese TV shows where things like this have happened, you take that with a pinch of salt, but when the local host tells me not to speak any English you have to wonder. My girlfriend was pretty aghast at these kinds of places, she even said she hated where she grew up in a Hutong in the north of Beijing. I suppose with my western eyes and keen camera skills I found it a bit romantic, being close to the locals which is something missing in the red brick estates all over the UK. Her question to me was 'what chance do these people have? They have no chance at a good education, I was lucky'. I didn't give an answer but thought about South London for a few minutes and the Dizee Rascal song World Outside.

On the flipside there is extreme wealth which I think is justifiable, Alan always says we shouldn't look at the past and take too much into account of what our fore fathers did, but after more than 100 years of foreign occupation and the stealing of Chinese wealth, it's only fair that the Bund in Shanghai is now faced by Pudong making more money than all the colonial powers did. This is the economic miracle of China itself, the British through trial and error found if the Chinese if left to their own devices in a free market economy, would chase every dollar as if it was water to man lost in a desert. Although this leads to the pressure you get when you want to browse a store, from both ends its the same, in Xidan on the north side of the road there is a massive expensive modern shopping malls selling designer brands and south side there are massive cheap shopping malls selling fake stuff. In both places you get pressurised into spending money, in the north the assistant followed us around the store until we walked out in disgust, in the south one assistant saw us looking and bargained against himself so we would buy something, while another said it costs this but if you want it I can make it cheaper.

It's been a long article, but take away the food, the photo ops, seeing the places in person, the chance to meet my girlfriends family, the holiday has been a chaotic place for me to learn something new and try to dispel a lot of misconceptions.

In a sentence, it was amazing my beautiful eggs.

throwing my hands up in the air

2009-10-21T18:20:00.003+02:00

I think a lot about my time in Kyoto last year with Govey, it had a lasting effect on me, it's a place that reaches down inside. I didn't have the ridiculous notion of wanting to move there like some backpackers do when they end up in south east Asia so they are away from their lives etc. Maybe it was the smell of the incense you bathe in at the temples and all the places of natural beauty that their shrines are built around. I tell everyone to visit there whenever they mention Japan.

Susu was hoping to show me something similar in China because of my endless rattles about how great Kyoto was. Wuzhen at night was beautiful, but it also suffers from the fact its not too easy to get to (some would cry out and say that's perfect for an adventure, I wouldn't) and also it suffers very badly from the 'other side of the tracks' syndrome.

Hangzhou on the other hand, for me even in a terrible mood (a combination of not being able to get cash, a runny bum and feeling generally ill) was a beautiful place, its a place where I knew I had written a poem in my past not realising it was about a place I had yet to visit. Racking my brains I couldn't remember which piece of verse I was thinking about but that wasn't the point. The West Lake is a quiet beauty, even if there are a thousand tourists all huddled around, the Chinese is whispered. The mist moves across the lake past the mountains, bringing things in and out of focus. I saw the lotus leaves although sadly not in bloom, ache gently on the skin of the water as if they were long legged birds walking.

Dotted around the lake are several notable buildings, one I entered had a beautiful garden, this was the hidden China I thought had disappeared down the spout and up a chimney of progress and the future. The stone statues of the garden over grown with the thick kind of moss that can't be removed even with the strongest solvents. My dad told me that each of the places had special names and meant something, this was lost on me at the time.

The Tiger Spring was the last place we visited before Returning for Beijing. I expected it to be one of the few things that are free in the world, but it cost 15 yuan, the main gate opens to a path leading on a gentle slope to the left of a small pond fed by a small brook. The brook runs parallel to the path filling up different ponds with different plants and even trees. Past a statue of a pair of tigers the path gets steeper up some steps and then the spring, An emperor came to the spring tastes the water and said that it was the third best spring in the world. I haven't been to many springs in my life and neither am I an emperor, but it did taste sweet and clean. Past this was a monastery and something out of all the epic Wushu films I have seen in my life this was something that unrolled in front of me.

Is Hangzhou my favourite place on earth, I can be honest and say no, but it is in my top five of places I have seen.

Please enjoy the weeping willows my beautiful eggs.

train under water

2009-10-05T19:02:00.001+02:00

It's rare to think that you might not wake up the next morning, it's even rarer for you not to care if you do or not. I suppose it was the first moments of blue sky in Shanghai, the sun coming out and the umbrellas, while I'm carrying a few pieces of luggage, foot hurting because of this that and the other. I feel like I'm going to keel over any moment.

All that forgotten (including the death in the morning by some Chinese countryside bandits), when you look across the beautiful town of Wuzhen. My girlfriend wanted to take me there especially, she knew I loved Hong Kong for all it's city like apparel, but she wanted to show me some of old China.

I don't know the ancient history of the place, but recent history is that it was an ancient city now renovated and now open to the public. Thankfully it hasn't yet succumbed to the mob of tourism (which it will). It sits between Shanghai and Hangzhou, on stilts which raise it above the river. I imagined people catching fish in the day and eating it with the family for dinner. During the day it looks like something from a Chinese Wushu film. But it's during the night that it made a real impression.

There are a lot of beautiful places in the world, many I still have to visit, Kyoto as everyone knows has been my favourite, Wuzhen over took it in an evening.

Hope one day you will see it my beautiful eggs.

god loves his children

2009-10-01T19:39:00.001+02:00

Onto a third city, well village, this is to soak something which is slowly disappearing here in China, well in actual fact its disappearing across the world.

As people move into the cities, we see villages become smaller and lose their quaintness. Then people realise that they can move cities out into the country. Franchises are the ones with money and they move into these proto-cities and we end up with clone towns. I know that's a generalisation and actually more prevalent in the UK. But in China, like a lot of places in the world, people are trying to live the dream in the city.

It isn't like the times of the emperor with beggars dying on the street, the people are actually very well fed. For me the eye opener wasn't the strength of the upper classes that can afford the Gucci hand bags or live the bourgeoisie life or even the mass of the lower classes, peoples faces tanned and darkened because of working long hours in the hot asian sun. the most interesting thing I have found is the upper middle class and then way they live. The closest thing I can compare to are the people working in the city in London, except without Esquire snobbery (although, you will be surprised the lengths people will walk around some of what the Japanese would call Bukuramin, even if you were of a lower class).

Susu's cousin is pretty well into her career working as a Marketing Manager for a large clothes brand (it shocked us more because we didn't know which brand until we waited for her in her office). Her English was great with an international twang to it, I'm used to the accent because of where I work, but it had flecks of slang and colloquialisms people are used to from me. A very modern girl, but the life she was living was fast paced, well paid and always looking over the Pearl Delta to other horizons. In the moment I was chatting to her over some glass noodles, two things came to me. The first was that modern China was the city, as I have said disposable income for the upper middle class is increasing, secondly the country bumpkiness of myself and my lifestyle I realised I have been in Europe a bit too long and the culture is ingrained into me. Although that isn't a sign that I will be up and leaving any time soon, I just realise that you have to see the good and bad of the world to learn that you shouldn't always stay where you are.

See you soon my beautiful eggs.

suddenly you complete me

2009-09-28T19:40:00.001+02:00

Traveling is a stressful piece of entertainment, but I think I finally understand a bit more about stress of traveling in Asia. The interesting thing it isn't the dark and dank places you end up, Beijing railway in all honesty is a dump, with its piss smelling entrance to the wash-rooms and the dark under lit waiting rooms which lead into further underpass tunnels (which remind me of the places in Munich, without the bad smells). The Shanghai underground is a mess, so many different exits in Renmin sq, not to forget some of these exits border on other underground stations. The Hauptbahnhoff in Munich is also a mess, but with 10 times less people.

The reality here is none of these things are a problem, even if my heel is busted and it feels like I have a 2 inch nail being hammered into it every time I step in my second worse pair of trainers in my life.

The stress is from the throng of people you have to crowd surf every moment you step out of the porch. Your on a train and all you can smell is the guys armpit next to you, without realizing you're almost Chikan the girl to your left, cross the road and you meet some taxis and mopeds head on. I turned to my girlfriend and said 'the funniest thing is Westerners pay to do this,' 'do what?' 'to crowd surf at music festivals, they can do it for free here in Asia'.

Take it easy my beautiful eggs.

verschiedenes

the trains being nicer than I thought they would be,
olympics are still impressive a year on,
Australian traveller prediction,
the xiao long bao resturant, so good we came back again,
the canal toilets,

Landlocked Blues

2009-09-25T20:46:00.003+02:00

The Forbidden City was the first place to visit and really hit home that I was in the motherland. The two words that came to me as I walked under the second or third arch way after seeing Chairman Mao's portrait for the first time in person.

You walk forever and forever, past each building and you will find another 100 (yes that is a hundred). I spent a good 3 hours wandering around the Son of Heavens home, I could have spent another 3 there taking pictures. With the exception of being able to see it in person, the most content I get out of walking around the place is that for the 60 yuan people pay to get in. For something the Son of Heaven taxed ridiculous amounts of money from the average Chinese person over 600 years to build it, at least this money goes back to the people.

On a side note, that day I got to try a Chinese kebab for the first time, in fact its a turkish style kebab , once cooked the chef sprinkles some extra spiciness onto it. So nice I went to a supermarket to buy the same spicy sprinkles.

Hope you see it too my beautiful eggs

true faith

2009-09-23T20:32:00.001+02:00

When my parents were having kids, they never thought that their son would be forever flying at 5,000 feet for most of his time. No parents ever imagine correctly what their kids could be doing in their lives. I sort of hope my children if I ever have any fulfill the Chinese Immigrant dream of one being a doctor and the other a lawyer.

For me though kids are a long way off, I kept saying to Susu that it was all about Russel Peters, I'm going off to meet my Chinese people, come on bring those Chinese now. But to be honest if people know me well enough I haven't been about that for a long long time. I found myself a while back, its strangely a perfect time to come here and experience the real China.

So is there any rhyme and reason about all of this. Not really, coincidence maybe? A little luck? The craziest thing is that I wrote a message to myself a year ago in a note book. I remember the details of the book, I was in a convenience store in Harajuku with Govey, for some reason I wanted to buy a notepad to document last years journey, I half succeeded in scribbling a range of unreadable notes. But back to the message, I found the note book sitting on my drawers in Munich, its nothing special save for the things inside. I started reading and knowing I always write into the back of things I opened up the second to last page.

Andrew, next year your life will be changed forever, make sure you have a good time, Love Andrew.

A year ago I was dreaming about what if, a month ago I was a year younger, three weeks ago I was staring at a piece of dim sum, on the 5th of September 2009 I'm Beijing Bound.

My life changed forever and don't worry Andrew I'm having a better time than you could have imagined that year ago. My point is, once you have found yourself and realized what your life can and should be about, your life doesn't change, its just your perception and how you might enjoy it.

Live your dreams my beautiful eggs.

At our highest point of intimacy we were 0.01 cm away from each other, 6 hours later she would fall in love with another man.

musik

In My Place- Coldplay
True Faith- New Order
A.D.I.D.A.S- Korn
Hands Down- Dashboard Confessional

kino

Chungking Express

videospiele

Gran Turismo Prologue
Vector Tower Defence

verschiedenes

Being Beijing bound,
waiting for the plane downstairs from where I need to be,
freaking Kasepretzel,
my mum telling me to bring back some speck
my auntie telling me to bring sausages to China,

never remember who I am

2009-08-03T20:36:00.002+02:00

This is forming into a habit, I spend about 30 minutes on a plane and I'm bored of watching some TV show, which all the business men around me in their sharp suits frown on. I suppose I should downloading the right type of TV show. Ready made for my plane trips, worth a thought for the future.

The rest of the flight is taken up with me working out what to say for the article.

I got lost listening to Bright Eyes in Hong Kong, I've been waiting 4 years to write an article about him for a long time, never having the right words in my deep coat pockets, it was winter in my mind but all the banyan trees were dripping strange roots in front of me like tendrils. I thought about trying to write a poem or a short story, the latter did happen to an extent but I needed to make sure it wasn't about me or him. Just a few pages of him wandering off from a gig into the cold night. I could talk all night about him, talk about how his music changed my life, but that would sound like all the other bullshitters in the world. Spend a lifetime thinking that music is written about you. You've heard it all before, 'this song is amazing', 'this band is amazing', 'you wouldn't understand because you weren't there in the beginning', etc etc ad infinitum.

Because even Conor is smart enough to realise this, for all his pretentiousness and while I, with my ears to the headphones hoping to make sense of his incoherent ramblings. In the end that's none of the reasons why I love his music. To ad lib Dr Dre, fuck music, you can have it back.

No youtube of being easy/lucky/free this time around, I hope your all fucking sick of me talking about it.

Peace out my beautiful eggs.

There's a little bit of sickness in all of us, I'm not talking about the darkness that people deal with, which makes us lash out and do unspeakable and inhumane things. That isn't the darkness I refer, the darkness is when you start lying to yourself well and truly, if you can handle that then kudos to you. Average Joe would tear his soul apart in trying to live this.

Hold me back from the picture show, hold me back and never let me go. Making sense is something less out of the darkness.

musik

Bonic- Placebo
Hysteric- Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Bixby Canyon- Death Cab For Cutie

kino

Friday
Final Fantasy VII- Advent Children- Complete
Harry Potter- The Half Blood Prince

videospiele

Dead Space
little Big Planet
Noby Noby Boy
Final Fantasy Tactics- A2

verschiedenes

Hartle stinking up my house in Munich, man stop eating all that meat
Hartle sticking feathers on my face and a tail on my ass,
finding the best beef in Munich and not getting my haxe on,
watches and watches and watches
not seeing Bayern FC win, I dont think I could handle it if I did,
sorting out the housing, tax, the polizei,
fighting for the right,
seeing the heartbeat of a satellite for the first time in my life,
Susu telling me off for always going straight for the watches,
Dead Space being scary and making me wet myself for the shame of it
Hessi should get a mention, for sorting out my Polizei woes,
getting a good nights sleep and feeling at home,
Hartle staring at the Latino girl when she was dancing, then ran away when we just wanted to say hello,
Monday being a write off, it should happen more often,
My Susu for being more than smart,

these wooden ideas

2009-07-20T21:51:00.001+02:00

I thought about writing about Metal Gear but it would seem like I have a Kojima fixation (which isn't far from the truth). Maybe that's something for later in the day.

In my top ten list of all time games, Suikoden II would be up there, at least my favourite JRPG ever made. Even a friend of mine has it tattoo'd on her back, I for one wouldn't go to far, but I would certainly start remember my obsessing and end up on my back dribbling as if I was Ian Curtis after an intense gig.

The usual is that its just a JRPG, nothing special, the graphics are quaint, even bit of a throw back from the Snes days. For me, it's like when you discover a book for the first time that no one recommended to you. You peel back the pages not knowing if you will finally enjoy the book and in the end you're lying in bed staring at the ceiling.

And it's simply that peeling off the layers of the war between two countries and all the characters of interest and disinterest is what makes the game. Old heroes return from the past, new ones are made, some never return. But in the end, for me its not about them or the politics, it's about two men and their journey from being friends, suffering a betrayal, defeat and ultimately a return to the place where their lives changed forever.

The shame is, unless your an ebay fiend or someone that was there at the beginning, the only change for this is searching for the torrent or to hope Sony release the English version on PSN.

Love you all my beautiful eggs.

I'm unclean, a libertine
And every time you vent your spleen,
I seem to lose the power of speech,
You're slipping slowly from my reach.

Without you, I'm nothing.
Take the plan, spin it sideways.
Without you, I'm nothing at all.

musik

Remember the Time- Regina Spektor
Leave Home- The Chemical Brothers
In Dust We Trust- The Chemical Brothers
Big Groovy Funker- Plump Djs
Days Before You Came- Placebo
Special K- Placebo
Real Niggaz- NWA
Fuck Da Police- NWA
Straight Outta Compton- NWA

kino

Ice Age 3
Transformers
Kung Fu Panda

verschiedenes

the German and his gadgets- one day I will visit his house and the doors will open like in Star Trek
realises for all the jousting, I came out a winner and can never lose,
Auntie Jennifer and Tabea coming over to visit me,
falling asleep watching Ice Age 3 at the 'exciting bits'
no more talk of the macbook generation from now til I join it.
Hong Kong bound come November, thanks BA sale,
surprising my auntie for my love of rocket and lasagne
'you're mother so fat, err she jump up and down' 'she get stuck' 'thank you bye'
my Su liking my cousin so much she wants to take her home in a rucksack
Russel Peters and the mileage I'm getting from this,
realising that things changed at work and not really caring about it all,
revenge is a dish best served with a Samurai Sword,
add oil my Susu, I believe in you,

better together

2009-07-12T23:51:00.003+02:00

I have a coarse voice sometimes, people say it sounds like I'm speaking out of desperation or maybe speaking out of lost mind. Passive aggressive is what some people call it, I understand why those words form into something like this. To tell you the truth, its neither of those, I just like to remove myself from it all, better be able to walk away from a gun fight than to be stuck there clutching at a pistol when they have a machine gun to your head.

But this is not making any sense I'm sure.

I walked in what was left of the Munich summer, the sun burning my face and giving me lite skin cancer. I looked down at my hands and clenched them into fists. No one gave a toss around me. That's all I wanted to say.

Love you all my beautiful eggs.

There's no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard
Why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and
sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing, it's always better when we're together

musik

Wipeout Pulse OST
Super Massive Blackhole- Muse
Starlight- Muse
Things Are Getting Better- N.E.R.D
Brain-N.E.R.D

schwarzweissfernsehen

Star Trek- TOS
Random Horizon

kino

Bruno
Boyz InDa Hood

verschiedenes

German corrections from a German,
watermelon dreams,
Jim getting freaked out from my head bopping at work 'Andrew calm down'
wanting to be part of the Mac Book Generation,
getting dinged by a car and the ensuing lengthy time trying to sort it out,
and all the various justifications I get from the aforementioned German,
cycling around the whole of Munich and feeling it,
cheese tasting in the OEZ,
freaking getting done for 10 euros in H+M- man the sales are at the wrong time,
shopping with Alan and getting a new jacket, Zara special,
seven years later,
Steffi the secretary- such a star,
my wonderful girl panda,

this film isn't about you

2009-07-02T21:59:00.002+02:00

Phew I think I lost myself for a moment there.

The truth is I couldn't help writing about the year in review. I started this blog a year ago to catch the random adventures I would have in Germany. I'm pretty happy with it, the random moments which mean the most to me all captured. I left in November with an idea of what I wanted over the next phase of my life. Then things change and I suppose that's what I never realised in life. How what we yearn for changes even in a space of a year.

I said in a previous article 'I decided to leave these childish things behind'. Over last year I left a bit more than that, but in doing so I gained more and become richer than I could imagine.

Love you all my beautiful eggs.

Trent Reznor said it best 'every day is the same', he cut it with a dose which made you want to top yourself or at least take a machete to some of your co-workers.

Perhaps that's the reason why we do. Listen to his music that is. Why what were you thinking?

musik

Us- Regina Spektor
Better Together- Jack Johnson
Bonkers- Dizzee Rascal
Funky Shit- The Prodigy
Fuck the Pain Away- Peaches
Rap Superstar- Cypress Hill
It Doesn't Matter- Wyclef Jean
Got the Life- Korn

schwarzweissfernsehen

Star Trek- TOS
Louis Theroux

vershieden

getting ill at the same time as last year, but for this one not utterly ruin me,
the Susu for looking after me one day, was much appreciated
seeing the random Astrium criminals, missed some of you guys too,
beating my all things done in a day record while returning from illness,
dim suming my face,
checking out the price for a future,
Selina is still a monkey in my eyes, a geek monkey,
waiting for the busy month of return vistors,
couldn't predict the famous death this time around, I did get Linda McCartney right however,
talking to Mitu about gaming, im an intellect without the books,
playing with the new lens, new ideas but new skills need to be learnt.
Sorting out the woman from downstairs, her tent is now sorted and packed away.
Getting back the kudos Newman gained from telling people about TVs
The beginnings of my Mac Book Dreams
Getting to see my Susu as soon as I get back,

held the world in your arms

2009-06-25T20:18:00.002+02:00

I've been meaning to write an article about the lifestyle, but every time I start it ends up like something that would appease Tyler Durden.

I woke up crack with a headache splitting the insides of my head, not even the paracetomol thats been fermenting in the back of my office drawer has the guff to make things better. Maybe I caught this off one of the guys at the office who should really have known a bit better than to eat pork while he was ill.

The headache has subsided a little and I'm staring out of a starboard window on the plane, the clouds lay across the sky as if small islands, the air lapping up against them like the sea. I look at the horizon and its far away but I can see the gentle curve, I wonder if I ever went into space I could see the dark kissing where what little air can save me.

This week has been one of minor revelations, I've reached a fixed point in my life where whatever pain or stress I'm starting to reel from could be put down in a few moments. Call this contentment, call this what you will, I found something special, not just inside me, but someone that's keeping me sane in a world which just makes you want it take more and more paracetamol's until your liver goes green.

Which makes me come to my point as I glance again out of the plane window, living a dream, this is a life which neither God blessed or my ancestors provided for me. I'm not that naïve. This life is everything I've asked for and more importantly fought for.

My beautiful eggs, fight for it, otherwise you don't deserve it.

musik

The Fear- Lily Allen
Ash Like Snow- the brilliant green
The Devil and God Are Raging Inside Of Me- Brand New
Hysteric- Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Gimme Shelter- The Rolling Stones
Blue and Black- The Rolling Stones

kino

Terminator 4- Die Erlosung
Election
Borat

schwarzweissfernsehen

Ali G show
Evangelion
Case Closed
The Apprentice finale

vershieden

seeing the Hitler was given for his brithday, amazing.
seeing us nearly fall off a cliff at the expense of the above, dangerous.
rude Austrian watiers, its not a surprise, it's a must,
David enjoying my mix cd, there is more where that came from,
German road rage on the way to the airport, sure let of some steam but don't try to broadside me in the process.
Spending more money than sense,
Susu finding more functions in my mp3 player than I thought possible,
The kings sea being as beautiful as it should,
a wonderful weekend in Austria with my Susu.
The non-excitement about the champions league final- congrats Barca.
Living a life of normality in a place with a lack of normality,
the miracle of facebook,
feeling the need for a decent nights sleep for once,
getting my MacDonalds Ice cream on,
My Susu's unexpected arrivals.
Being slow in updating the blog,
the freaking bayerisch polizei,
enjoying my new mp3 player keeping me sane in the office,
biking around munich- quite a freedom,
the shout when Jasmina won the Apprentice, never has Susu jumped through my table with such speed
emails from my mum scaring the girl, mum surprises me at every point in life,
weather come back, we had it all in Mai, please don't let it be,
pig flu invading the Portsmouth office,
My Susu looking after me when I was feeling rough, the congee wasn't close, but I'm grateful nontheless,

live in a hiding place

2009-05-17T22:57:00.001+02:00

When its out it's hot, my skin browns instantly like its in an oven, but this is something I can't complain about. I wrote a while back trying to catch my steaming breath in my hands, but maybe I was wrong. I was spending my whole life trying to stay in the cold, laying in the snow passing out and falling asleep. I could easily pass out in the Englischer Garten and die of sunstroke.
I remember back in November picking up a book which changed my attitude to life and most importantly gave me a bit of structure to it all. I was told to make some goals and at the time I quietly whispered them to myself and gave me a year to achieve them.
I look back 6 months and it's time to make some new ones. No suggestions, I know what I need to do.
Love you all my beautiful eggs.

What a life it would be
If you would come to mine for tea
I'll pick you up at half past three
we'll have lasagne

I'll treat you like a Queen
I'll give you strawberries and cream
then your friends will all go green
For my lasagne

musik

Step Out- Oasis
Underneath the Sky Tonight- Oasis
Cum On Feel the Noize- Oasis
Talk Tonight- Oasis
District- Sick of It All
Dig Your Own Hole- The Chemical Brothers
Out of Routine- Idlewild
Cheated Hearts- Susu Chen
Stay the Same- Idlewild
Witness the Fitness- Roots Manuva
Supo Mungam- Akane

Kino

The Wrestler
Election 2
Kidulthood
Adulthood

Fernsehen

The Apprentice
Derren Brown- An Evening of Wonders

vershieden

Using the MacDonalds coupons,
My gf bringing moments of incredible insanity,
Phoning random friends and for them to not know it was me,
Skimming stones failure, the stones are shite in Bayern! What is a man to do?
TU-NA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and the two Turkish best friends,
Shoes!!!!!!!!!!!! and loads of nice clothing I can't afford,
the man selling bad roses with a log tied to his leg
seeing boats that could never travel the world and feeling sorry for them
finally getting my photographing back on,
My mate Newman cos hes a bastard just like me,
Making sushi for the girl,

culture gets too much for me

2009-05-12T23:11:00.001+02:00

Talking out loud is something I'm not famed to do, but this last few weeks I've been out there seeking advice, getting to know and finding out the things I need to know. I suppose this is me making sure I have something else out of all of this.

But in the end I'm just happy to get the support of my friends, family, colleagues and my girl. People call me selfish, but this is really a means to an ends.

Love you all my beautiful eggs.

Building the future and keeping the past alive are one in the same thing.

musik

Screaming Infidelities- Dashboard Confessional
Emergency 72- Turin Brakes
Horse for I- Bat For Lashes

Kino

Star Trek
High Fidelity
2046
Frost/Nixon
Fast and the Furious 3

Fernsehen

The Apprentice

vershieden

Being accused of knowing Wong Kar Wai and for him to make a film about me.
Not having to buy food for a week,
Getting MacDonalds coupons.
Finding the three eating machines of Gary, Po Han and Judy.
The girl coming to watch football with me.
Always sharing my bier.
Another new watch but from the airport woman this time around.
My dearest Panda, she keeps me sane.

a little discourage

2009-05-01T22:18:00.002+02:00

When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
Chapter 13, verse 11

I reread some of the things I put up on here, the biggest change has been the absence of malice, my hatred of people and things slipped through the cracks of life. I gave up some of those childish ways and realised there was something better.

For all my anxieties and issues, I realised I'm the luckiest man in the world.

I wasn't sure why I was feeling a bit emotional after the second beer. Maybe they had added something into it but it was getting to me. A few minutes before I was at a table of colleagues laughing and joking, knowing this was the loneliness moment in my life. I flick at the phone and send some random texts to people that care.

A few minutes into the future, I'm approaching my flat racking my brains, my mind is filled with images I wanted to show her, it was filled with words I wanted to tell her. In the dark I see someone sitting on the steps shivering, I get closer and she looks up and I sit down next to her. We wrap each others arms around each other, the words I try to say don't actually escape, they simply croak into the cold air. No one is around to notice the tears streaming down my face.

It's these moments I fight to live for.

versheiden

Yorkshire Tea even with Germs milch is not far from the truth,
still not getting my chicken on,
getting my curry on,
Foster, Baker and Newman for being such good eggs,
My amazing girlfriend, my best friend, my lover, the girl that brings a lot of smiles to this pandas chubby face.

fly straight into my heart

2009-04-26T01:41:00.001+02:00

Caught out with another trick I suppose, maybe it's the age I'm at, the big smoke isn't as a welcoming place like it was in the history books, people get seduced by the bright lights and all the rails and roads which lead them into the heart of the mess. I lost that shine in my eyes a long time ago, the bright lights of Hong Kong made me jaded a long time ago, London's lights are really different, it doesn't shimmer like Hong Kong in the rain. I cough because of a mild cold and I'm not entirely comfortable with it all. Maybe its all these tourists

Having been in Munich for nearly half a year now, time slips past like water through my fingers. I keep saying about the change in life and how I'm finally content. The truth is I moved to Germany at the right moment in life, spared all the blushes of being a junior, afforded all the leeway of someone still starting out on that big adventure. You wonder how many people actually get to live the dream they had when they were a child, at junior school, at college, at university. I stare around the train carriage make a judgment and keep it to myself, lest I feel the wrath of the pretty girl sitting next to me.

Its nice to unwind for a minute there, for all the talk about needing a break, I come to the UK in bright sunshine on my back, only for that to turn into a lovely singular grey, the sun petered out on the UK a long time ago. the rain dries off me in the warm train, snobbier person than me would hate on the mix of society riding with me, but I suppose I find it quite comforting, we are all in a rush like a bunch of mad cows. Hearing ourselves into a mass of bodies in a sardine tin. For all the money that isn't in my pocket and in the business mans nice saville row suit we all stuck together. I don't want to exchange words, thats not the point,

I just hope most of these people will get off at Guildford, I'm assuming the men in suits and maybe the old lady sitting in front of me will. The gray weather doesn't get any better the further south we travel.

Much love my beautiful eggs.

musik

Pioneer to Falls- Interpol

buch

From Hell- Alan Moore

kino

Maverick

vershieden

everyone getting serious on me and my situations,
missing the girl,
the new bag, took ages to find, but stumbling on it is always the best way for shum,
still waiting to get my Chicken on,
English being spoken on the TV, but without a Germs accent,
Phil asking me to spend a lot of money on stuff I don't want or need,
the woman in the shop trying to sell me Italian made leather holdall for £250, my budget was a bit stretched,
my mum being curious about stuff,
finally finding the stand I wanted for my desk,
my netbook being shit hot at what I want it to do, 9.04 Remix is coming to sort the rest of my woes out,
sushi-ing it up with Gobu-San, the waitress is so your wife,
that epic Scouse Red vs Chel game, what a game I tell thee,
the training course in general, many new ideas, many geek things running through my head,
extra tea with love notes written to the cleaning ladies in the hotel, nice,

soul meets body

2009-04-26T01:35:00.002+02:00

Underneath the sky was an Oasis song which I tied to one of the games of my life. It wasn't by design.

I had a grey television, I forget the make but it was a hand me down from my eldest brother, he always handed me down the worst things, or rather things he couldn't sell or give away for free. Regardless it was grey and to tune it you needed to pull down the front panel so you could reach the tuner bits, pull out a piece of plastic which was the right shape to fit in the tuner bits. Then slowly twist it until there was a wondrous but entirely analogue picture being less than sharp on the screen.

This was the television I played Zelda- Link To The Past, we talk about the age of HD and connected. But with the game, a joypad, the SNES and a grey analogue television. It needed nothing else other than for me to play one of the best games of my life.

I talked before about studying particular games of the past so we could create the future, but in reality, for me this game is ageless. You could make it now with the same graphics and it would still have the impact it did then,

If I wanted to make a particular point about something, this wasn't it, I just wanted to tell everyone about my grey television, listening to Oasis and playing Zelda.

Love you all my beautiful eggs.

Something a bit more serious.

A short weekend break with Baker we tripped it through Germany, Belgium, France and then the UK. It wasn't hard from my point of view but then I didn't have to do any driving, Baker rubs his eyes and necks some of his Red Bull. I just stare out of the window and watch the Bavarian Countryside turn into the Rhineland then into the flatness of Belgium.

The weather doesn't welcome us into Belgium, its grey and stark, no streaks of beautiful white on azure blue. I cut out the weather man in the middle and say its going to be bad weather in the UK thats coming towards us.

But it isn't a day later the sky is wonderful, I'm back on my way to London for the 20th time during the last 2 years or so.

musik

Chasing Cars- Snow Patrol
Your Heart Is An Empty- Death Cab For Cutie
Soul Meets Body- Death Cab For Cutie

kino

Finding Nemo
Goodfellas

vershieden

the new watch, good choice,
a good Belgium beer,
getting my kebab and burrito on,
maybe exhausting all the fights you could put together in the history of life and times,
the brightly blue brothel in Frankfurt,
realizing I wasn't in Germany for a few moments,
not getting caught out by the bank holiday trainage,

all they want is a free ride

2009-04-03T00:15:00.001+02:00

Luke and Laura stayed this weekend gone and it was really good to see them. I got the feeling they were tired from all the walking, I got the feeling they enjoyed it, I also get the feeling it wasn’t what they expected. Rather they walked in with no expectations.
And I suppose that’s what I feel most about Munich, it’s a wonderful city without particular things which pull me towards it. People play the game, yet I’m craving the shittiness of a Hong Kong. Everything works, yet I’m missing the handset less, phone booths you find everywhere in the UK. I’m happy to start my new life out here, yet I miss the life I had before. I suppose the last one is me getting older and wanting to begin my new life.
I have a headache now, the sides of my mind spitting out the bad tasting liquorice all sorts.
Missed my girl panda, missing all the eggs I know across the world. Don’t worry I’m never gone too long.

Do you know the difference between drinking wine and drinking water? The more wine you drink, the warmer you'll get. Water will only make you feel cold.

musik

Shoreline- Broken Social Scene
No Sunlight- Death Cab For Cutie
Grapevine Fires- Death Cab For Cutie
Feugo- Murder By Death

Kino

Body Of Lies
Hot Fuzz

Fernsehen

Flight of the Conchords- Season 2
24- Day 7
The Apprentice
Battlestar Gallatica- Season 3
Arrested Development

vershieden

Luke and Laura, some amazing eggs those two,
Drinking more beer than I crave to imagine,
peaches with the rubbish music and the good cocktails.
Having a weird Sunday afternoon staring at all the meat on sale,
Realising that all the best secrets are the ones I’m best at keeping,
My panda bringing me new tops to wear,
Walking around Munich for miles and miles,
Jude and Hareld, which a lovely bunch of eggs,
Burning myself in the oven,
Arguing with Susu, I made a mistake, I'm really sorry,
The vanilla tobacco,
The massage chairs in the Deutsches Museum, worth the admission alone,
Getting asked by the customer to the server room and not get a bollocking,
Starting up the running again,
Having a tired week without doing the extra hours,

this bar is a beautiful place

2009-03-23T21:13:00.000+01:00

I wanted to write something a bit longer article wise this time around, but it's one of those moments which are escaping me. You spend a whole lifetime gearing yourself up for these moments and it's like a blissful white. If this was heaven i'm sure someone would tell them about this.

The truth is I didn't want to write anything too long this time around. Happiness is a hard thing for me to get down on paper.

you won't have to strain to look into my eyes.
I'll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped
straight to the throat with the collar up so
you won't catch a cold.

musik

This Bar Is A Beautiful Place- Ryan Adams
Call Me On The Way Back Home- Ryan Adams
Don't Think Twice It's Alright- Bob Dylan
Shelter From The Storm- Bob Dylan
Get This Or Die- Slipknot
Chop Suey- System Of A Down

kino

Rockinrolla
Lost In Translation
Tales Of the Black Freighter

schwarzweisefernsehen

24
Battlestar Season 3
MOTD
Flight of the Conchords

vershieden

Susu Chen
football, bad game, bad aches, shouted at, enjoyed it immensely
going toy shopping in Munich, Muller fucking amazing,
fussball with Jude and Hareld,
realising the next chapter has really started
someone choosing my new watch,
the new mobile, well good ,
walking in the sunshine along arms looped together,
not having cold feed in bed,

nothing here breathes in the cold

2009-03-15T18:23:00.002+01:00

There are a few films I'm really glad have been made, one is a German film which is a story for another day. The other one is 'This is England', throughout my life I've been asked the special question 'are you English?' my usual answer 'No' but its just a word really. My answer has never been important in this respect.

But I digress, this film resonates on a few levels, although I was never there for the height of prejudice and neither was I living in an area with a larger ethnic minority population or had a knife to my throat because of the colour of my skin. But its words that dance around you hurt the most and you learn to grow thick skin, but the truth is they will always hurt. Between friends and family we joke with the words, 'reclamining' them but I realise the older I get the more absurd it is when I say them and hear them. I was born just before the time the film was set, but the images it shows, I remember them vividly from my childhood. The grey slab pavement of the shopping precinct, boarded up shops where no one shopped, I can remember the smell of the wet concrete, even Roland Rat.

What makes the film though is Stephen Graham, he upset me with his words, for what he does, for what he believed in. But the truth behind all the violence and hate was that he was angry with the world, with Thatcher, with the way England was after the 70s. I don't blame anyone for thinking those things, even turning up to a National Front meeting, I just wish they could find another way.

When he pointed to his heart and forehead and said 'This Is England' I really agreed with him, there is nothing wrong with pride.

My arm was twisted, while my left arm was broken, the blood gushing from a cut just above my eye. The bright lights of the ambulance before the sirens, before they turned them off. The screaming in my ear, I couldn’t do anything except pick myself up and dust myself off with my only good but twisted arm.

This was winter air perfect for this very moment.

musik

Tunnels- The Arcade Fire
Laika- The Arcade Fire
Melt Your Heart- Jenny Lewis

schwarzweisefernsehen

Long Way Round
Flight of the Conchords

vershieden

accidently stumbling on the secret of good pastry,
swimming twice a week with Bakersfield 90210,
playing big D and only getting 'fried' once,
going to Austria and nearly ending up in hell for an ice cream,
the old lady talking to me in the Kaufhof and teaching me some Bayerisches,
not going out to eat,
the new phone telling me distances in Km and miles,
baking a freaking apple pie in the middle of the night when I wanted to make a freaking cake,
Susu leaving me yoghurt in the fridge,
Newman gets a mention for picking something up in England, cheers dude,
the smell of pipe tabacco,
making kebabs with Susu, even though she picked all the 'right size' mushrooms before I could,

prophesize with your pen

2009-03-08T23:02:00.002+01:00

Differences or similarities? Interestingly the things that we believe that keep us as humans together are usually keep us apart, things we believe keep us as humans part are usually keeping us together. Man built the Tower of Babel as an epitaph to our great achievements. God looked down and was unhappy and gave man a multitude of tongues so we couldn't communicate. The tower waned in the swirling winds and crumbled into dust.

Believe in the story or not, there are some truths in this, differences in language, culture, colour, creed, faith. All bring sadness and separation for what should be the human race. But to me, having had the chance to pick and choose, look at all the similarities and differences, I've come to embrace my differences within each space and display them like a peacock fanning its tail feathers for the show.

What started off as a disagreement as part of a conversation has turned into agreeing something over a cup of bad starbucks cappuccino. The only people that can keep a language alive is the people that care most about it, the people that speak it.

We stayed up till 4 in the morning, we listened to as many records I thought she would like. She asked me if we could hear the Bright Eyes song again. I obliged and I asked her if she preferred apples or pears.

She replied to me 'apples of course'.

musik

Times are a changin'- Bob Dylan
I Will Posessess Your Heart- Death Cab For Cutie
First Day of My Life- Bright Eyes

kino

Watchmen
Ashes of Time

videospiele

Street Fighter IV

vershieden

cups of tea made by my mum,
spending ages trying to set up computers and then for them to finally work,
a taxi driver that doesn't like football, how refreshing,
being able to see match of the day even with the three stooges on there,
Baker turning to me and saying 'you've found your niche'
my two sisters, Chan for being my lil one and YY for being my older one,
being shocked about information about people I know,
surround sound system, so nice and loud and surrounding me,
Susu making me chicken soup and staying up til the break of dawn.

barefoot in the shallow creek

2009-02-21T13:14:00.003+01:00

It's only nature to be more than a thousand miles away and feel that you're missing the sea, I hold my breath in the bath to imagine what it's like to drown in the sea. The saline water filters up my nose and I struggle to keep the remaining oxygen in my lungs. It all escapes and the my arms freeze as I'm trying to catch the light narrowing into the top of the waves.

Being away from home, in a foreign country, it makes me realise I had always felt I was in a foreign country growing up in the UK. It wasn't the spiteful things they said when I grew up, it isn't the fact my skin is yellow or even the fact I eat rice instead of potatoes. It's something much simpler than any of this, my heart is in Hong Kong, it just took me a few years to realise it.

Love you all my beautiful eggs.

Early morning sun,
All shades of colour burnt out,
Only dead leaves found,

Balcony watching,
Heartless souls abandoned for change,
Wallet now heavy,

Insightful ending,
As if they won the world war,
Taking the credit,

musik

Bixby Canyon Bridge- Death Cab For Cutie
I Will Possess Your Heart- Death Cab For Cutie
Bionic- Placebo
Teenage Angst- Placebo
36 Degrees- Placebo
Come Home- Placebo
Keeping Fishin- Weezer

kino

Chungking Express- Criterion Edition
Kung Fu Hustle
No Country For Old Men

videospiele

Noby Noby Boy
Wipeout HD

vershieden

YY with all her accusations- I am a good boy honest,
harder faster, forever after, harder faster, none of you can make the grade,
German TV being filled with my favourite ever TV show Galileo,
realising how much I have changed in even a year,
the tofu,
knowing a little photography,
the Germans not excepting change,
being a tramp outside the Schloss Nyphenburg,
brickwalling it with my German, need to get back into it,
Linuxing to the point where terminals are my life and all I see in front of me,
knowing how good Bladerunner,
not realising how good full fat kokosmilch is,
in the worlds of Colonel Ouramov- 'you can't win'
I have to mention Susu otherwise YY will get suspicious,
making it when an Italian complements you on how smart you look today,

guess it's real enough

2009-02-12T22:07:00.002+01:00

One of my favourite games which in actual fact doesn't have much 'gaming' to it. Buried in all of the platformers which I was poor at, my brothers trick for finding rare games was uncanny. At the time FMV was still a big thing for CD based games and hearing the characters actually talk with real voices rather than R2D2 bleeps. But that wasn't the moment that stuck in my head, as part of the introduction to the game you are chasing after a colleague who has requested back up, you hear an off screen scream. When you find your colleague his head has been twisted off and is sitting in his lap. I owe Kojima San for scarring a kid of only 10 years of age, but I suppose that's where my sick fascination of horror comes from.

This game is Snatcher, part comic book, part film, mostly detective game, a complete steal of the Terminator and Bladerunner. However, I will save the explanation of what the actual game is about, wiki can do that.

The truth is I wanted to share it with everyone who hasn't touched it, especially my friends of the hardcore gaming fraternity, we always talk about games as art, but if we don't study the past you can't appreciate the present or invent the future. Kojima-San I await the next instalment, or even the Policenauts Aigo translation.

I fall over and laugh at myself, I dust off the snow on my coat and hair and pick up my glasses. It feels a million years since I was clutching at my copy of Norwegian Wood and beating myself up for my love of that girl. I feel like passing out and I lean backwards until my legs snap and I'm laying in the snow. The cold eats me up and spits me back out with nothing inside.

It snows some more, no one can find me underneath it all, I've never felt so content.

musik

Powder Blue- Elbow
Don't Mix Your Drinks- Elbow
Rebellions (lies)- The Arcade Fire
Take It Easy (Love Nothing)- Bright Eyes

videospiele

GTA IV

schwarzweissfernsehen

Germany's Next Model

vershieden

the random Chinese girl teaching me mandarin for her to slam the table when she said success, very good,
Niko- nobody fucks with my family,
amazon.co.uk for making me spend money
Heidi Klum when she walks in, not when she opens her mouth and German comes out,
not realising I couldn't speak German when talking to the technicians in one of the operations rooms,
seeing a square bathtub,
spending 2 hours shutting down the server room,
the girl walking while reading down SendlingStr, very hot but walking into everyone,

never hated a tobey

2009-02-07T22:26:00.003+01:00

Cultural Observation No. 18
I met a French girl when I was holidaying in Japan, she explained to me in quite an amusing way how German people speak. It was a touch racist but I did find it funny because she had a wonderful laugh and wasn't like the rest of the Cobra Kai's in the youth hostel. The other thing she explained to me was crossing the roads, in Germany and Japan, even if there are no cars on the road, under any circumstances you never cross the road. Watching them wait at the lights while I jog past and wave can feel a bit Monty Python-esque.

Cultural Observation No. 232
Germany like Japan always seems to have groups of teenage boys/guys that seem to all dress the same. I don't mean similar but the same. On the train today three lads, same style leather jacket, same colour, same pair of stone washed jeans. I would have looked harder and I probably noticed the same hair cuts. Thankfully their shoes were al different.

I slid a piece of paper under the door, on it I had written how much I was in love with her. I kissed it before I slid under the table and left without saying a word. Outside it wanted to rain but it was a beautifully bright day, a bunch of kids were playing in the street trying to unhook the cover of the fire hydrant.

She called me a few hours later after she had woken, that was the last time we ever spoke to each other. That was never by design, so I couldn't regret anything.

musik

Drone- Rise Against
Kotov Syndrome- Rise Against
Injection- Rise Against
Bionic- Placebo
Beverly Hills- Weezer
1979- Smashing Pumpkins

kino

Ratatouille
Ghost In The Shell
Bladerunner Final Cut
Tropic Thunder

schwarzweissfernsehen

24- day 7
Battlestar Galactica- Series 4
Band Of Brothers

vershieden

Dumplings ala Susu, she's a good chef,
falling down a mountain that is covered in snow (rather ice) with plastic attached to my feet,
where you can
not being able to make up my mind if I fancy Jennifer Garner, (survey current says uh uh)
Su Chen with her glasses, well cool
getting a good nights sleep for once,
and then spending a week not sleeping and staying at work for most of it.
good chat with the manager, maybe there is hope for us,
learning that Janet has a secret blog which is probably filled with her sexploits
finding the best Chinese super market in Munich,
being able to go home for a weekend,
talking to a German girl about her sex life, err yeah makes for good readings.
losing another notch on my belt,
getting that macintosh ive been after
registering in Germs, another notch on my move here, no info, just get into it,
not being shocked at the cost of things above 100 euro out here,
ordering hackfleisch auf deutsch
seeing Phil and Janet over some Japanese food,

if you were winter

2009-01-20T22:24:00.002+01:00

Something like all the changing seasons rolled into a single film. Washed over with all my favourite bits of the year. I really enjoyed it, please go find the album and I'm sure you guys will too.

If you could ever get as close to picking out the images in my head for a perfect teenage romance, this is pretty close. Sounds a bit sick to say that, but as a series of moments it clings perfectly, just that warm feeling as I fell asleep.

Juno MacGuff: As far as boyfriends go, Paulie Bleeker is totally boss. He is the cheese to my macaroni. And, I know that people are supposed to fall in love before they reproduce, but... I guess normalcy isn't really our style.

It only snowed twice when I was in uni, the first time was the best, I ran out with my flat mates and played the typical snowball fight, after being downed by a rock inside a snowball I fell over and lay down in the snow, breathing heavy from my running around like a 12 year old and smoking like a 64 year old. I breathed in and the air was pure ice, filling my lungs with some crispness I hadn’t felt in a long time. I closed my eyes and wondered if this was how I wanted to die, that crisp feeling of being numb from all my limbs to the very ends. The sordid ring of my mobile broke the moment, it was Lana and she wanted to eat some food.

musik

Like A Rolling Stone- Bob Dylan
Juno- Soundtrack
Losing My Religion- REM

kino

Juno

schwarzweissfernsehen

The Terminator- Sarah Conor Chronicles
Chris Rock- Never Scared

vershieden

Sat Nav games,
looking for petrol in the middle of the city,
Continuing to speak more random German, practice makes perfect,
Watching my predictions come true,
Spending an hour waiting in the KVR only to find that I was in the wrong office.
Spending 5 mins in the aforementioned KVR sorting out the paper work and then leaving speaking German.
Zoe- for reading my words- miss putting cake in ur face

sunlight that surrounds you

2009-01-18T22:18:00.001+01:00

The 80's were a pretty vivid place for me, I remember the most random facts, but that is for another post. The 90's is where I found some of myself and then left it out to grow out of date on the side before University and work set me free. Waking up on Sonnestag in the morning, the light isn't cascading through the clouds as it was yesterday, but I'm not complaining as its bright enough for me to save some cash on the electricity bills.

A few days ago I said to my friends I had burnt a paper with her name written on it, I suppose this is true in some ways, I made another decision after a month of much realisations. Baker was right in that we don't change much beyond 25 years of age, but then he's wrong because even post 25 we can still be malleable like any good length of steel. But for what I wanted to say, a few posts ago I wrote that untying the feelings in my mind was a full time occupation, but this has changed a bit more, it's more of a case that untying what drives us and motivates us the key to understanding all this. And then to let it all go.

I'm not saying letting go of your motivations, but to let go of the neuroses and the 'experiences' which hold you back. A different friend of mine Rich, he talked about the comfort zone, this isn't what he meant, but this is my interpretation.

Love you all my Beautiful Eggs.

Emily kept stirring her coffee, it was still too hot and she didn't want to burn her tongue. Instead she lit up another and hoped the cancer was eating her up from the inside. She was skinny but didn't feel it, her ribs were showing but she ate so much every day. She closed her eyes hoping that everybody would disappear from in front of her and the world would be quiet again.

She sipped her coffee and it was still too hot and she stuffed her earphones into her ear and played some music. The world fell silent and from the aether and the world was filled instead with strings playing Bach. She stirred her coffee some more.

Emily had light brown hair in the summer which turned a dark oak in the winter, her finger nails were painted the same oak colour and she was rather regretting her choice of coffee in such a warm day. Her father had been warning her of the day when the world would collapse and it would start with a warm spring time in the middle of the city. It was already June and the sun was at its highest, the people on their lunch breaks milling around looking for somewhere to sit down and eat. Emily wasn't that hungry but still attacked her muffin made by some poor student who had come to England hoping to get their degree but not intending to be working in a franchise coffee sweatshop. Emily hoped those sweatshops would fashion a dress she would want to buy.

musik

Execution of All Things- Rilo Kiley
Dance With Somebody- Whitney Houston
Business Time- Flight Of The Conchords

schwarzweissfernsehen

The Terminator- Sarah Conor Chronicles

vershieden

my new pet name for Jose,
sweetcorn being the best looking fruit in the world
walking on a frozen river towards a castle, nearly cracking the ice on the aforementioned river,
Making a work zombie film in Munich, there's mileage in it all.
Ordering bread in Germs, slowly getting there.
Finally getting a teapot
Lily cooking me luncheon, was very nice,
talking utter trash to Baker because I know he loves it,
getting Leslie to commit to coming here and sampling some beers,
Kinneav hopefully bringing the wife here sometime, will enjoy their egg faces,
Janet should realise how much we are alike,
Daffy Duck was always fucking better,
not rising to the bait,
the pretzel girl with the withered arm in the Hofbrauhaus.
Looking forward to Susu's dumplings, yes yes yes.
Steve Smith

be anywhere else.

2009-01-17T10:31:00.001+01:00

Although I have a love for art and a strong appreciation for it. I'm not and never will be an expert. In the past listening to my dearest cousin Katy about art and photography, trying to talk at her level of understanding is one of the things that keep my love for the world alive. With a paint stroke, a camera, a pencil stab, whatever technique is available, the artist wants to say something, everything or maybe nothing.

Usually I can spend a few minutes make my mind up, with some understanding, look at a piece of art and make judgements about what it is about or rather what message is being chosen to be shown. That was until I went to the Kandinsky exhibition at the Lenbachhaus (which is now my favourite gallery). Each of his works reminded me of my friends in the more creative industries, the wood blocks at times were very Telegramme, the simplicity of later things more of the Bodhi, even strong and plain structures from the heart reminded me of my architect friends. They have a bit to go before I can say that they are the clear descendants (because they won't be).

But to get to the point, the single painting that vexxed me was Abstract VII, it caught my eye with its harsh and difficult geometry so I decided to listen to the words from the audio hand guide I was given.

'the yellow triangle touching the blue circle is as important as Michaelangelos touching of God'

I wait for people to google this picture and decide for themselves, I still haven't worked it out if Kandinsky was talking in truths. I suppose the fact I told everyone about this since I have seen it proves maybe he was telling the truth.

Have a wonderful January my beautiful eggs.

I thought it would be painful to breathe in that day, not only could I see my own breath I could see the steam rising from my hands as I took my gloves off. My hands quickly went cold like a cup of tea that had been left out in a storm. It hasn't been this cold in my life ever and I'm enjoying it. I cough and splutter my way through life but feel most alive when you're at the end of some tether. The cold cuts you up like nothing before and then you look at the road in front of you and you try walking along it. It's covered in snow, shaking the trees that line it a little and every so often more snow flicks down.

I just imagine Ian being photographed in this kind of weather with a cigarette in his mouth, probably a pack of Marlboro.

musik

A Cast of Thousands- Elbow
Method Acting- Bright Eyes
Bowl of Oranges-Bright Eyes
Nothing Gets Crossed Out- Bright Eyes
Man On The Moon- REM
Last Night I Missed All the Fireworks- Idlewild
Captain- Idlewild
Let's Make Love (and Listen to Death From Above)- CSS
It's Not Over Yet- The Klaxxons
Sabotage- Beastie Boys

kino

Terminator 3 (auf Deutsch)

videospiele

Farcry 2
GTA IV

vershieden

being terrified by Calista Flockhart
talking to Poki, I hope she's as fiesty in person.
Understanding enough of the people all day
Baker.
H&M for saving my life.
Realising that there are no vegatables in Germany.
On a side note, schwinehaxen is one of the best foods in the world.
Being sick of fucking stairs.
Having a bad day and bringing it back with a ride on the underground.
Not buying teapots for extortionate prices.
X-Club- was well a good night if only I was lost for an hour trying to find the fucking place- Iphone google maps would be the answer.
Learning Columbia is as dangerous as I thought.
Greek girls can be called Theo as well, but to remember the full name well we shall see.
Hofbrauhaus and the ompah band, pretty neat dudes.
The disney castle in Fussen- very nice but cold!!!!!!!!!!!
Asking 'sprechen Sie Englisch' to the American dude that was going to let me into the place I was supposed to be going to in anyway to meet some random English speakers.
Freaking out the french guy and his son with my almost Bayerish style talking and loudness.
Creating new words and phrases over a mass with Bakersfield 90210
Learning aufladen and how useful this word would be.

brings the past back to me

2009-01-08T20:20:00.001+01:00

It's nice to finally move into my new flat, I've only been rushing about for a few hours with a break of dinner with some friends (and making another one even if we didn't speak the same Chinese), but the place already feels like home. My words are often cryptic and without any idea of where to start, but I will have to say many thanks to the Landlord, not only is he a brilliant chap, he left me a fridge full of cheese and other food stuffs. An email will be heading his way swiftly to confirm these consumables are for me to consume. Awaiting the first visitors Lily and Baker next week to sample the hard wooden floor.

People keep complaining about getting old. I stopped complaining and my life changed, really loving the adventure of life.

Two months later I was on the train to the coast and I could already smell the sea air and also the bad smells coming from the public toilet on the train. The cassette my father had given me was filled with the most eclectic selection, from Echo and the Bunnymen to some obscure folk duo that lived in the most northern peaks of Scotland. After an hour I got off the train to see my dad waiting by his old and wheezing MG coupé. He was the image of Steve McQueen in the great escape tipping his cowboy hat to Yul Bryner, while the car was a rusty deep red suffering from the mid-life crisis. I remembered it never started up on the first go no matter how hard he gunned the key in the ignition. He was dressed in bright blue denim jeans and a blue flannel shirt smoking a packet of Lucky Strikes, the smoke danced into the air into peaks and troughs. Sometimes I wished he had grown a beard to go with it all, but he would look like an extra from a Tom Selleck programme about policemen and hunting dogs. He made sure I watched the great escape or if he could find it the Dirty Dozen while I was there for the summer. Things never seemed to change much during these times, and even though he had moved the sense of normality was there. I hated the fact he smoked, but I found the stale smell around him that reassuring.

musik

Deadbolt- Thrice
Injection- Rise Against
Drones- Rise Against
Zero- Smashing Pumpkins
Bullet with Butterfly Wings- Smashing Pumpkins
Everyday is the Same- Nine Inch Nails
Roddy Woomble- As Still As I Watch Your Grave
Map of the Problematique- Muse
Starlight- Muse
Selfhealer- Idlewild

sport

Portsmouth vs Bristol City (FA Cup 3rd round)

kino

The Dark Knight

schwarzwiesefernsehen

American Hustle- Katt Williams
Never Scared- Chris Rock
Kill the Messenger- Chris Rock
What ever it takes- Dave Chappelle
Gundam 00
Band of Brothers

videospiele

Little Big Planet
GTA IV
Farcry 2

vershieden

jousting with Stones, via email, via text, via sitting next to each other, good friend of mine
dinnering with Geoffrey for a 'final' time, only so many times you can say goodbye,
Christmas with Mum, Dad, Tim, Lin and Elle. Was a lovely one, that's just what I needed.
My new flat,
tricking mum about her Christmas present.
Ying Ying telling me not 'CHUP' but 'DIM' I feign bad Chinese for my tickets at Marienplatz,
Roisin and Rachel not replying to some grade A Bright Eyes, utterly offended,
Chinese talking drunken Channy, was a good new years eve,
Faye giving me josh for the jousting at Roisin,
seeing Kinneav in a social context not at Fratton Park,
Hartle, well I think he deserve a mention somwhere on here for being such a good mate of mine,
Newman being a lazy berk,
teaching mum how to use the internets,
the moment when the new grads didn't know what anyone did when introducing people,
dim summing my fucking face,
seeing Fosterball and for him to give me some skillz, ruin it and then pull it back again in the end,
multiple language dinners, I will learn mando one day,

into the Atlantic

2008-12-24T10:11:00.003+01:00

Missing the earliest memory or flipping a coin to decide what was the point in all of this.

My long standing memory of my grand father was for him sitting in his favourite chair, he would park a small table just infront of him with a large bowl, an apple and a sharp knife. The apple was always a green granny smith, he would flick on the tv with the remote control and then beginning peeling.

His technique was to have the long straggling skin which he would never break on purpose and as they were skinned from the flesh of the apple they would fall into the large bowl. He would then half the apple, then quarter it, turn it on its side and make a fairly large notch into what was the centre to remove the pips. He was an old man by the time I had these memories of him, quite frail and this great ability to hack up all the stuff from the back of his throat, I suppose that’s a generations gap of making sure I never got to know him.
We always had Christmas Lunch over at his house, there was a mad panic of who was cooking what and whatever, my uncle would be outside having a smoke, my aunties all talking loudly (which amounted to shouting), my cousins and I bunched together on the table with nothing in common apart from being cousins. The turkey was always dry, I was sure there was always a lack of gammon, we didn’t have a concept of cranberry sauce at the time. Once that was over, a James Bond film usually with Roger Moore as the star and then a plane trip to some place on the other side of the world.

Those are wonderful memories. You don’t ever need to flip a coin to make these, just make sure you remember them and hold them up to your heart.

Have a Wonderful Christmas My Beautiful People.

musik

Organ Grinder- Murder By Death
Sometimes the Line Walks You- Murder By Death
PDA- InterpolMake War- Bright Eyes
Oh My Sweet Carolina- Ryan Adams
Every Line Of A Long Moment- Roddy Woomble

videospiel

Little Big Planet
GTA IV

vershieden

trying to work out Murakami,
doing the shopping in 2 days,
working in my German office at least it has a nice view,
seeing 4 London stadiums in under 5 mins,
having two bowls of Chinese soup,
Jason Stones- Element unto himself that boy,
Watching videos of Chris Rock, Kat Williams, Eddie Murphy and Dave Chappelle.
Simon trying to explain lacist to me and not realising that I was already a lacist,
‘yeah good one Newman’
Still not getting over Bales ‘Batman Voice’,
becoming a filth-bag with Zoe-face,finally realising its Christmas,

quite like you before

2008-12-19T10:07:00.002+01:00

Something different.

Two nights before I made my move to Germany I was in a fury of downloading films to fill a lovely new hard drive which has kept me company over here. After catching a snatch of the Kermode on Radio Five I thought I trust this slick haired lothario, he was reviewing an American film which turns out to be a remake of a Spanish film. I could tell he was waving his arms about in annoyance of the remake and waving his arms in praise of the original version.

Of course I downloaded the Spanish version of REC.

In a few words, set from the point of view of people locked in the building which is ground zero for a virus which causes zombification, none of them knowing what is going on, all filmed from the point of view of a news reporting team. Where this film starts is obvious, where it ends is the beauty of it. Shocking, scary and most importantly freshly executed.

Suffice to say I had to phone Lily up and tell her how scared I was.

Sometimes the past whispers in your ear, if you listen too hard you won't be able to tell the truth from all the lies. A girl I was once in love with told me she missed me a few days ago, in my heart there is always a place for her, but that place sank a few feet and pushed me to want to smoke again.

I could feel it now, I running my tongue between my teeth and lips, the taste of nicotine freshness is all that coats my tongue. If I spent all my life wishing we were together, I would have put a noose around my neck a long time ago. I miss her too, but then I miss that time in my life, I'm not allowed to have it back, instead I decided that we should all make our own life in the present.

musik

Eli The Barrow Boy- The Decemberists
This Sporting Life- The Decemberists
California Dreaming- Mamas and Papas
Hurt- Johnny Cash
Bitter Sweet Symphony- The Verve
Girl From Mars- Ash
Best Of You- The Foo Fighters

buch

Blind Willow Sleeping Woman- Haruki Murakami

sport

HSV vs Aston Villa (Deutschland gegen England)

vershieden

the new land lord seeing all the coincidences.
Seeing the prettiest German girl sitting opposite me on the U3, she was so angelic I felt almost paedophilic.
feeling all Chungking Express again, I wonder if there is a Muenchen equivalent that I could try and live.
Impressing Roisin with a stolen lyric.
German Hip Hop is so fuckin gangsta is unreal tourno
Missing Baker, not having tea with him in almost 5 weeks is soul destroying.
Reading a book on the tube and ignoring all the people around me.
Old Man James asking if I was all right in my office.
You could have it all, my empire of dirt.

wake up younger under the knife

2008-12-17T13:10:00.001+01:00

This year has been a year of many realisations, as Baker keeps telling me once you reach 25 there's no hope for you any more (his words with much poetic licence). But for all the manic mood swings and turning away of some friends, this year is another one of those years I could consider something. I could write them down and describe them in detail, but that isn't the point, many a post ago I talked about the moments which mean something to you.

A little exercise for you all, place your hands in front of you, turn one palm up to the ceiling or the sky and turn the other palm to the floor. Close your eyes and try to remember the moments in your which you realised something or if something changed in that split-second. Be them good or bad, these are the sorts of moments I'm referring to. Open your eyes and whisper them into your closed hands and press them to your chest, if we were to share them, they would lose their lustre. Instead keep them in your heart.

1990, 1996, 2003, 2006. And for this moment in my life 2008. Last year was a learning curve a definite change but also a chore, it was making the motions like walking through life's rites of passage. One thing that hasn't changed, I still don't know when I'm in love with someone, but I have learnt to not yearn for something you can't have again.

I whispered the moment a few times to myself and it won't leave my heart.

Something I wrote in 2006.

The bus up to the airport was bumpy and badly driven, the driver was bald with wisps of hair between his ears, he stayed silent for the whole journey bar ten minutes at the end. In my tiredness I’m assuming he’s scared of my cousins loud Chinese and even louder English. I still think he’s an awful driver even when he opens up to us and tells us where we should be heading in Heathrow. I keep writing about it being my second home, but the airport is always cold and the essence of multiculturalism which I never see living in the quiet south. My cousin makes me laugh so hard that I want to fall over and get crushed by a thousand sandals, his words too politically incorrect and ignorant for me to repeat without fearing a backlash. I rub my eyes to red again, trying to stay awake so that I can take in all the experiences which I know I'm going to enjoy over the next 7 weeks. All the new ones and all the usual ones, I'm checking in my bags and already infuriated with my adopted family of my cousins down the road. I know its going to be a hard 7 days with them and I can look forward to the dreaming spires of steel and concrete that is Hong Kong built over a bay which is sinking into the sea.

I wonder what the girl is thinking and hope she is asleep having a lovely dream maybe about me, but I would prefer a dream about the good things in her life. I think I will buy her something from Hong Kong.

musik

Rise Up With Fists- Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins
The Red, the White, the Black, the Blue- Hope Of The States
Temptation- New Order
Bizarre Love Triangle- New Order

vershieden

Gary being sufficient.
Geoffrey for being such a top guy and speaking in the Queens English.
Waking up at the bar trying to remember where you are.
Taking solace in other peoples pain.
Canadian whiskey.
Being inspired by bored children and passing trains.

ambitions are low

2008-12-16T09:18:00.004+01:00

Untying the feelings I have for someone is a full-time exercise. If it was physical exercise my brain would be able to bench press twice my body weight. At times it would be easy to be sick in the mind, being so self absorbed in the words you write, read and perceive that the world doesn't revolve around oneself. In reality the world doesn't even revolve.

It scares me that to read about someone so sick in the mind and for them to take their own life, that I can grow a fixation, I suppose it's the first time in my life I can admit I do have a fascination with it all, even if people in my life have second guessed me about it. Case by case they are all different, but reading it from the perspective of someone on the other end of it, the parallels to me get scarier and scarier, to hear how they are hurt in the process. It makes me physically sick that they/I could hurt the ones they love.

I take back what I said before, peace is too good for some people, even me.

It was Christmas and this was the first one we would go to as a married couple, this time to my parents, save for my love of my parents I had a deep loathing for them. Janice loved them, I always felt that she stayed with me and married me simply because my parents were nice to her. For all my girlfriends, she was the only one my parents approved of. I never understood why though. I married Janice because I fell in love with her on a snowy day, she was working in a coffee shop just off the high street, the snow had become heavy and I wanted something warm to drink. She made me a really bad cup of brown water which I added copious amounts of sugar to. I was dishevelled and smelling of cigarette smoke, my black duffel coat soaking from the melting snow. It took me a month of bad coffee to gain the courage to ask her out.

I reached into my top shirt pocket and pulled out a pack of luckies I had been saving all journey. I placed one between my lips and rooted around for my lighter. I wound the window down a little and the cold draft blasted in. Janice took one as well and put it to her lips, 'like this? Or am I as stupid as you?' she said. She then took it from her lips and threw it out of the window. She did that because she loved me, but knew how stubborn I was.

One less cigarette meant 5 more minutes with me.

musik

Easy/Lucky/Free- Bright Eyes
All Sparks- The Editors
Transmission- Joy Division

videospiel

Pro Evolution Soccer 2009

buch

Touching From A Distance- Deborah Curtis
Batman Dark Victory- Leob and Sale

vershieden

Stones for his jousting, mate you beat me this time, but I will get you back in the future.
4 hour reinstall of Togusa, runs sweet as it once was.
Friday night with the YPA, was a fun night guys.
Getting to try other hire cars of the world.
Listening to an old man tell me stories.

cut the oxygen tanks

2008-12-09T23:29:00.005+01:00

It wouldn't happen like a film, she wouldn't be bending over
at the machine furtherest away from me, placing each piece of bad smelling
clothing into the machine one by one. Mesmerised I would wait until I see her
finish putting in the last piece, lift her head up and flick her hair back.
Porcelain skin and the most beautiful pair of autumnal eyes I had ever seen. She
would be wearing a tight pair of faded jeans and a tight yellow college t-shirt
hugging at her taut body. Her eyes would scan across from her empty basket to me
taking off my sun glasses and then glancing down at my watch. I reach for the
pack of luckies in my pocket and pull one out and lit it in one motion. We fall
in love in the moment when I light her cigarette with my own and pass it to her.
The truth is, I would never want that.

She was the one lighting up in one motion, her hand smooth
as it slips into her pocket and she reaches for her packet of Parliaments, in
that moment I want to quit non-smoking and pass her a light, she's already
smoking. I'm in love and my washing is still in the basket reeking of the worst
things on earth. Perfection in my small little world, her lungs are caked in
filth and decay, yet we haven't spoken a single word I can
remember.

I never would remember the words we would say, that was
never important. What was important was the laundrette, I always felt that was
the perfect place where we could meet, the perfect place to see her at her most
personal and relaxed, she couldn't cast any shadows here. I stare at the wall
for a few moments hoping to see something of note but I fail miserably. She's
completely naked so I draw circles with a marker on the wall to tell everyone
I've failed. This is the moment where she sees me for all the flaws of my chain
smoking, breath smelling of alcohol and all the bandages on my wrists, my face
full green and unable to to look into the harsh light of the place, that I'm a
failure. I feel sick and I cough up a bit of blood but she's sitting next to me
enjoying a cigarette with me asking how my day was and what I would be doing
this weekend. I lied the truth is we do fall in love the moment when I light her
cigarette with my own and pass it to her.

But then I was always good at telling a lie.

musik

Love Will Tear Us Apart- Joy Division
Transmission- Joy Division

kino

Resident Evil- Degeneration

vershieden

Pardon Ms Ardon- random band, random night,
the British girl that grabbed me and made me jump about to 'some might say'
dim sum with A 師父
not realising where the hours in the day slip to,
Ewan Macgregor speaking in German.
Meeting some more people in Germs and then going bowling with them,
the number of colleagues now working in Germs.
My cousin telling me to repopulate Bavaria.

tastes like strawberry wine

2008-12-06T15:52:00.002+01:00

Loneliness is something in the mind, if you really want to be lonely then fine be that way, if you want to make friends and you don't want to go out, then tough. For me it's less art and more of an attitude of belligerence.

I know many a person that struggle with being in a room on their own with their thoughts chasing them around the sofa, the voices in the mind becoming louder by the second. Lucky for me, I've listened to the voice in the head called Akira, kept me company in all the bad times and was never there for me in the good times. Its funny how the most messed up aspects of your life are the ones that save you from a future which will never happen now.

We all miss Akira, I know Hartle in particular does.

Songs of romance to recognise our sick obsessions. We all know Art is Hard.

I'm forever caught out staring into space, be it at a television, a wall, the newspaper covered in blood. Someone snaps a branch over my head and there is no reaction, that's just the way I am. But the truth is none of this is making much sense, I want to draw a picture for everyone to describe
everything I'm feeling. My egos like my stomach, I keep shitting what I feed it.

musik

Art is Hard- Cursive
Red Handed Sleight of Hand- Cursive
Hands Down- Dashboard Confessional
A Swizz Army Romance- Dashboard Confessional
Temptation- Dizzee Rascal
Straight Outta Compton- N.W.A.
Guilty Conscience Eminem
Amityville- Eminem
Hounds Of Love- The Futureheads
Absinthe Party At The Fly Warehouse- Minus The Bear
Temptation- New Order
Talk Tonight- Oasis
Sureshot- Yellowcard
Bleed America- Jimmy Eat World

kino

Cloverfield

sport

FC Bayern vs Hoffenheim
Hamburg SV vs Galatasary

vershieden

People understanding my German.
People understanding my English.
Watching the Bayern match standing outside of the bar with all the other cretins and plebs.
Learning typical football fan phrases are universal across the continent.
Realising the strengths I have will get me far, it's my weaknesses which I will not allow to hold me back.
Looking good side by side with this girl I know.
Dim Summing my fucking face.
And mentioning my mate Phil on here because we agreed I would do it but we can't remember what for.

she lost control

2008-12-05T08:58:00.000+01:00

I'm as guilty as anyone in this world for not giving things a second chance, watching Control for the first time and I realised that a teenage hero for me was lost because others were obsessing about Kurt Cobain. If you wound the clock back 10 years and placed a Joy Division album between my copy of The Bends and OK Computer, I suppose my life would have been a little different.

But that's the interesting thing, at that age all you can do is feign at really believing the words that you read and write, I certainly did, for every feeling in my heart it was pen to paper with a selection of poor metaphors about some girl I never had. Control to me sums up everything romantic you believe at that age, music doesn't have to be beautiful, that love is pain, that people are shit and cannot commit and that the only way out is suicide. Aged like a beautiful bourbon in an oak barrel and I cant bring myself to even consider those things anymore, let alone declare them romantic. At the end of the film although knew what was to happen, I felt the shiver crawl up my spine and remind myself that life is in front of me.

Counting the days as they slip by, like some sort of advent calendar which shows how your life is falling away from under your feet. I decided to stop living in pity and it changed my life, I gave up trying to be in a good mood and just stayed in a good mood. Since I said those words in the mirror staring myself straight in the eyes, my own pretty brown eyes, it wasn't the world that changed. The world stayed the same and everyone got on with their lives.

If I could go back in time I would have spoken to Ian Curtis and said to him, it's ok to feel the way he did. I doubt I would have made a difference, but it clears my concious for all those kinds of feelings he went through.

RIP Ian- I hope heaven is beautiful for you.

musik

Close To Me- The Cure
Just Like Heaven- The Cure
Let's Make Love (Listen To Death From Above)- CSS
Strawberry Wine- Ryan Adams
Grounds For Divorce- Elbow
Acquiesce- Oasis
Waiting For The Beat To Kick In- Dan Le Sac vs Scroobius Pip
Ceremony- New Order
Bizarre Love Triangle- New Order

videospiel

Final Fantasy Tactics- War of the Lions
Street Fighter Alpha 3
Minna No Golf

vershieden

Geoffrey and the others for letting me join in- very much appreciated to make some new friends and give me a chance to learn Mando properly,
Not needing to speak English,
Papa Pedro hating Thursday,
Not craving nicotine even when they sell it on the streets,
Nutella in a vending machine- Germans 1 : Japanese 0,
The scary black rubber cock in the window of the erotic shop on Scheimlesser Str,
Trying to work out what 'There Will Be Blood' is about,
Promising myself I wouldn't miss out on Joy Division for a second time in my life,

to describe the world

2008-12-03T18:00:00.002+01:00

There's always a first for everything, but today was the first day the locals all spoke German to me. Not a word of English all day, even when I didn't have the words for 'can I have the bill', everything was in German. Sure I admit it was survival German, I wasn't having an involved conversation in German about Kandinsky or about the economic crisis and what that means for my pocket, but its a start.

Although, I still don't see what the big deal is about the sausages here, they taste like sausages.

Missing them (fried) eggs back in the UK will see you guys soon.

Things I've noticed (which may only be applicable to Munich).
When crossing a road, you will be guaranteed even if the guy is steaming around the corner, he/she won't run you over.
On the tube, the doors do not automatically open but they do automatically close.
About 50% of people I have seen smoke here.
You order chestnuts by the stuck (pieces).
German MOTD has an audience with much appreciative applause.
'got talent' the Germs equivalent is about fat middle aged to elder people prancing about on stage doing covers- yes that scary.
Sundays are as they were in 80's England.

Musik

Tell Me Ten Words- Idlewild
Kala- M.I.A.
Hustle- M.I.A.
Sarabande- J.S. Bach
Stockholm Syndrome- Blink 182
Girl From the North Country- Bob Dylan
Munich- The Editors
It's Not Over Yet- The Klaxxons
Uno- Muse

Kino

The Mad Detective- Jonny To/ Lau Ching Wan
Control
There Will Be Blood

buch

Lonely Planet Guide- Germany

Vershieden

Realising one of my favourite things in the world are markets,
Watching a Bavarian volks band playing, violins, guitar, pipe, random percussion and lots of shouting.
Gluewein- one mug and I was mugged.
Pan-fried sauerkraut, another notch on the posts, will try that when I return to the UK.
German fussball is pretty entertaining,
Finally understanding the public transport system here, a lot more simple than Tokyo (although no Maranouchi line, oh how I miss thee)
The cellist at the end of the Gallerie Str- she played beautifully,
No Hansen on MOTD-Germs Edition.
Ricardo Montalban texting me while I was on the 2.5km walking tour.
Not realising the significance of Konig Platz in history, it isn't just the place which Shumbles drove past when he was lost in the dark looking for a hotel.
Seeing people dressed up as yetis with masks dancing in front of the Rathaus, will have to ask someone or investigate.

dreamt of a fever

2008-11-27T08:33:00.002+01:00

It's the snow lining the roads which throws me off every morning I wake. I can see my own breath but that's nothing special. All my life I've tried to catch the my breath steaming up in my hands, I open them up and only for the mist to disappear into the ether. No one ever told me why that happens (and for those about to lecture me about the physics of solids, liquids and gases you're missing the point).

Only been a few days and I'm getting a feel for the place, sure I've spent time in at work and in a hotel, but it's the smell of the place, the air, putting your ear to the ground and listening to the beat of peoples feet pounding the pavement. I like the fact I can walk out where I'm staying and see the Kandinsky exhibition is next to the museum for Greek and Roman sculpture. I suppose it's the feeling that I'm not going to get shanked, maybe the feeling that all the Chinese restaurants are run by Vietnamese. Whatever it is, will I call this place home? As the girl I fell in love with nearly half a decade ago said to me 'who knows?'.

sports

Portsmouth vs Hull
Famgusta vs Bremen

vershieden

German roads as good as I have thought
the snow that lasts forever, kicking it down never gets old
watching Bremen play, football cultural exchange was never going to be this good
finally getting home without getting lost, needing to park 5 times, find no spaces in the car park
upstairs downstairs at work, my legs will be even bigger come xmas
the way German's drive, actually very my kind of driving.
German girls that eat curry, very nice
seeing Glen Johnson's goal, lean over to shake my old bosses hand to find he was pissing about with his phone and missed the whole affair
the fact that my dad will try and save money even if the company is paying for it
having the courage to slowly speak (broken, basic one of the b's of this world) German

photographs on the floor

2008-11-25T18:23:00.001+01:00

I sort of guess my way out of the airport, end up on a motorway seemingly facing Munich. For a good few miles I really don't believe I'm on the right road, the sun has set so I cant use it for reference, I'm not even even sure this road is heading south towards the city. The turning to Lindau/ Stuttgart winds to my right and I know as I continue down this road I'm going the right way.

A change of motorway which is smooth (these German roads are the best I've seen/exp in Europe) and to my right as it rises over the hill is the Allianz Arena, its red so I'm assuming the opposing team to arrive wear red (Milan would have been the easiest answer save the fact that they aren't playing a big team this week). A wrong turn after some road works confuse me and I end up in some random places, an industrial estate, past the LIDL headquarters, the roads a good but random. I even ask for directions which don't help because I don't listen to them and end up in stranger places. I spend another 20 mins trying to get back to the right road and stumble on the right direction. I have myself a mini tour of the city and its beautiful lit up by the night lights. I find the hotel but I'm on the wrong side of the road, I park in the garage about 5 times to get it just right.

I even play it safe and order the same thing for dinner as I had the last time I was here, the cute Asian waitress understands my bad German after the first beer (the courage beer I call it)

but in the end none of this matters, all that matters is that I'm here like Dizzee Rascal and it's finally sunk in.

Already missing you my beautiful eggs.

vershieden

getting lost in the dark
finding ones way again without really trying
hartle fry ups before going
realising i'm only human and letting it all out for an hour
getting smashed and experiencing the above
German roads- they are pretty straight forward (unlike in Holland- best roads my fucking arse)
Phil to see me off at T5
disappointing taxi driver, the least interesting one yet
seeing the English countryside one last time before I see Bavarian countryside

stand up tall

2008-11-24T00:48:00.000+01:00

For the number of cigarettes I've smoked in my life, it's like counting the days off a calender and then throwing up. No, that metaphor made no sense but then that's the way I've always seen it.

Not the cigarettes, the making sense part.

Just a post to say to everyone, I've had a smashing year, Japan was a good way to round off the last chapter and well this is the start of the next.

Love you all my beautiful eggs. See you at xmas.

I once fell in love with someone. I couldn't stop wondering if she loved me or not. I slowly began to doubt myself. Maybe the reason she didn't answer was not that her reactions were delayed but simply that she didn't love me. So at last, I got it. It's entirely beyond my control. After a while she was gone. I went to 2046 hoping to find her there. But I never found her.

The only thing left for me... was to give up.

musik

Showtime- Dizzee Rascal
Paper Planes- M.I.A
Bamboo Banger- M.I.A

kino

vershieden

scary spanish films
not being sure if the Secretary is messing with me
dim sum
east side crew- get paper
one day trips to find nice ties
talking to Janet on the phone telling her to drink lucozade
bumping into Leanne buying a hard drive off her and then talking dirty to her online
downloading in general
fixing the laptop o wonder- how I missed thee
talking to Chantelle on the phone about her sore arse
leaving this chapter and turning the page to the next

lust will only get us, so far now

2008-11-17T22:48:00.002+01:00

The night before my holiday I starting scribbling a boarding pass onto a scrap of paper that was left on the side of my desk. There was no destination written down and my name was something stupid. I wetted my thumb and smudged the name a bit and then wrote over it a few more times until the pen went through the piece of paper. I pulled out some sellotape and tried to piece together the bits that fallen apart in my hands. I cradled the remains for a few moments and then gently folded it up to it would fit inside my wallet.

I was travelling half asleep all day first my father drove me to the coach stop, the coach pulled up and took me away to the airport. I tried sleeping knowing that my boarding pass could be anywhere, I arrived at the check in counter and handed the girl with the cute smile the pass. I collapse, pass out at the counter and never wake up.

Love you my beautiful eggs.

Random Commentary on Japan No. 21
Yakuza types will hang out on the street corner in Ikebukuro, never will they say more than two words to you unless your looking for action.

schwarzwiessfernsehen

NASA- Day We Left The Earth

videospiel

Monster Hunter Freedom 2

vershieden

pragmatic David
Fosterball in general, what a dude.
Shouting dude across the work place.
Dim Summing with ma mere
cooking din dins for Lily, just hope she wasn't too sick

it was a mistake from the start

2008-11-11T18:51:00.003+01:00

The slow conclusion is that the places in your heart, places you choose to remember and catch for nostalgia. Those the best places in the world, but the best thing about them is they are your places and no one-else's.
For me there are two places, both obvious to anyone that knows me well enough. Standing at the edge of the seaside and sucking in the beautiful cold sea air. My lungs full of the salty acrid freshness. I let out a deep scream from a gentle sigh. The words indistinct and incredible no one cares.
The other place is being lost in the labyrinth of the market on the slopes of Central, I crane my head to see the skyscrapers of the Victoria Harbour skyline. I keep running until my lungs explode from the arsenic pollution coating.
Feels a bit indifferent to be back, missed you my shiny happy people.

Random Commentary on Japan No. 14

The younger they are the more mental they seen to be, the older they are the quieter they seem to be (unless they are drunken salary men). Japanese school girls are the worst/ repeat offenders.

musik

Math + English – Dizzee Rascal

podcasto

Ricky Gervais show

kino

Indianna Jones- The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
21
Harry Potter- The Order of the Phoenix

versheiden

the yakuza types on the street corners of Ikebukuro
Goveys love for Mens Yukai
Gundam
the feel of Japanese moneys
old 747 Jumbo Jets- more comfort than you could imagine
Uniqlo for the long johns
my new coat and matching gloves
Roppongi madness
the Maranouchi and Yamanote line- so much better than the DLR in London

patches of blue sky

2008-10-27T00:30:00.002+01:00

A few of my favourite things include packets of jelly babies, listening to passing trains, bourbon and photographs. A few years ago I spent a day routing around the garage to drop a suitcase at my feet and it to split open which was full of old black and white photos of my family. They all stared back and smiled at the camera without the knowledge and history which surrounds all of them.

I have a wry smile about it all but I realise that for every picture a story told, the pains, the problems and all the other things which we quickly forget are never caught. I remember them and tie my own stories around it, but I know that when I'm gone the photos mean nothing. Maybe they will end up on someone's wall as a calender of old immigrant families. I try to rewind into the past and I quietly rack my brains, finally remember it was 10 years ago and I’m playing Famicom with my uncle. I don’t remember anything else, just playing Famicom for the first time in my life thinking why I never had one at home in England. I never had that in a picture.

We fast forward into the present and the opposite is true of the world now. We are under a deluge of cheap pictures streamed from peoples digital cameras and mobile phones. They take so many pictures in an effort to capture the moment of all the happiness, the emotion, even the sadness. And really it’s the same, it captures nothing, people smiling inanely, drunken moments of people pulling faces. I wonder how we will all feel this generation for all the millions upon millions of bytes of photographic data, when they look back on it all. I'm as guilty as anyone of it so maybe this is the future or maybe I’m just playing at being nostalgic.

Those pictures from the past were something, I hope to bring you some new pictures without the drunken escapades over the next few weeks my beautiful eggs.

I looked through the window pane and could only think of one person.
If someone gave you a boarding pass like this, would you let them fly?

musik

Titanic Vandalism- The Go Team!
Crosstown Traffic- Jimi Hendrix
A Thousand Apologies- Lost Prophets
Revol- Manic Street Preachers
How Could I Just Kill A Man- Rage Against The Machine
Knights of Cydonia- Muse
風の谷のナウシカ- 君をのせて
夢中人- 王菲

kino

Chungking Express- Wong Kar Wai

vershieden

Learning White Boards do indeed fight back,
Navy nurses that can't do slings.
Goetz for being a drunken loon with the policeman's helmet.
Finding random curry houses with Mr Baker even when he should be playing football.
Drinking with Oldlady and seeing him dance in front of me.
Jay revealing his geekdom very slowly.
Plane tickets with a boarding pass like this.

we saw the western coast

2008-10-19T22:57:00.002+02:00

I always thought it would be my heart breaking in two before anything else, instead it's wiping the sweat from my brow and shouting obscenities at myself. I spent a late Saturday afternoon nursing the ache which was running up from the tip of my right toe all the way up to my throwing arm. Ultimate Frisbee is one of the hardest games/sports I have participated in my life.

People talk about learning lessons the hard way and with a bunch of friends/ colleagues we showed we had the enthusiasm and the passion, sure we were missing a lot of major ingredients. But, the most important thing is we learnt, we changed our play, we started to ingrain into our minds how to play the damn game. And play it properly we did by the end of it all.

But for now I'm going to nurse my aching legs so I'm ready for footie on Tuesday.

Miss you all my beautiful eggs.

I knew my parents inside loved me loads, but they showed it by press ganging me into being their cheap slave for long summers working in the takeaway, but that was ending. We had unpacked everything from the car and I bid my father farewell and gave him a hug which was never something we felt comfortable doing, I was missing him scolding me already. Having settled into my routine of nothingness over the summer, the boredom setting in and all I wanted to do was learn something. I was still staring at my computer screen and changed my desktop background for the 50th time as if I mattered if I had a picture of a naked girl or a picture of a car. Corduroy came back an hour later with food and alcohol, but we still went out and got takeaway. He ordered a burger with chips and I ate my first kebab in the city. It tasted of honey and grease with the tang of chilli sauce on my lips. I wanted to throw up afterwards but we went back up and shared a bottle of whiskey I had brought with me from home. The halls were an awful place at night, it was too dark and I always had to light some candles only for the hall monitors to come flying up the stairs and give me good bollocking. The other people living in our block sat with us to share the drink, Corduroy opened his bottle of vodka for the girls that hated the taste of whiskey, I hated the taste of vodka, it reminded me of cheap nights out listening to indie music.

musik

Kiss and Make Up- Funeral for a Friend
1045 Amsterdam Conversation- Funeral for a Friend
Wake Up- Rage Against the Machine
Prelude to War- BSG OST
I Don't Want to Die (In The Hospital)- Conor Obrest
NYC Gone Gone- Conor Obrest
Heart Shaped Box- Nirvana
The Most Beautiful Girl (In The Room)- Flight of the Conchords
You Could Be Mine- Guns and Roses
Rise Up With Fists- Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins
Superman- Goldfinger
All is Full of Love- Bjork
Venus As A Boy- Bjork

videospiel

Pro Evolution Soccer 2009- Seabass
Valkyrie Chronicles Demo

vershieden

impromptu frisbee tournos, where when marking I accidentally stare at the no.85 girls chest so she won't get away.
catching Casey online and for her to say I should be with someone.
Feeling something I haven't felt in such a long time and collapsing in bed
losing badly but not feeling bad about it (losing isn't learning to be lost, it's knowing when you're lost)
randoms catching me to join their footie nights
seeing Monsiuer Scott for his 'surprise' birthday not organised by Françoise but not introducing his brother,
Jose being President and thinking I accused him of being drunk,
Gotz and Jose touching each other up in a really wrong way,
watching Spurs lose to 'lowly' Stoke,
and the fact that some people do read these words,
Lily for organising this weekends exertions- Captain Fantastic!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the shade of the morning sun

2008-10-13T23:48:00.002+02:00

Subtle change in my dress but more importantly my work. You feel at a crossroads where from being a child you're now treated like an adult. It's a perception even some of your friends change to.

And the truth is I love it. Tailored shirt, matching tie, good trousers, pair of Italian leather shoes and a beautiful duffel coat. I just pass the time listening to music with my pearl white cans.

A proper post later in the week my beautiful eggs.

Having settled into my routine of nothingness over the summer, the boredom setting in and all I wanted to do was learn something. Corduroy and I went to the first week of fresher with much haste. We already had a tally of which girls numbers we could get, the ugly ones and the hot ones. The first few days were the sexcapades extravaganza. I learnt a lot in that week, what I learnt most was that I wasn’t as unattractive as I thought, but I also learnt my standards went down.

I thought Corduroy wouldn’t have been as up for the things we got up to, it was a cliché hidden inside some treaties written to stop the cold war. Rats were crawling around my head and my feet were starting to stink. I took a long cold shower after I had sex with the last student girl. The marks on my chest from her nail my ripped shirt in the bin, I really needed to leave and get some fresh air.

musik

One More Notch- Murder By Death
If you Find Yourself Caught in Love- Belle & Sebastian
Lithium- Nirvana
Bizarre Love Triangle- New Order
True Faith- New Order

kino

Screamers
Road to Perdition

vershieden

realising Bekah although I love her, she thinks she makes me sick from the colour of her hair
chocolate cake with soya based cups of tea with Mr Leslie and Miss Dryden (the sexy pair)
my German friend sticking his tongue into my ear
Artan's beautiful baby
'cliched' pics into the sun, cliché is never a bad thing when done well
getting drunk with Baker, him to always ask about my sex life (why he is so interested I do not know), meeting Pedro's gf and then spending an hour trying to walk home from the station
Lily's shoe laces and stretches
telling Rich how we can save the company with my ideas skillz

is it hopeless and forlorn?

2008-10-09T23:16:00.002+02:00

A song taught me to never regret anything in life, but another song tells me I should think about the girl from the north country. I'm inclined to think more about the girl from the southern state.

It's easy to strain your thoughts over someone you fall in love with, how much you want to be with them, except maybe you hate each other, the distance is too long or simply that the world moved on and one of you stood still. I find it's harder to live with the pain of what ifs and wherefores, a click of the finger the choices in front of you are lost.

Rewind a year and maybe life would be different. Regret makes you think like that, I'm glad for all the things that happened the way they did this year. Hope makes you stronger.

Love you all.

The kindness of our proprietor

I pulled it into my lungs and it stroked me all the way down patting me on the back. Nicotine chocolate tasting smoke, a coffee was what I really needed to keep me warm. The smoke danced in the light as if it was some Japanese kabuki play in the middle New York on a mid fall day. I left the cigarette in my mouth and reset my tie pin. My tie was a dark blue; it should have matched my suit, but in my morning rush I ran out of the front door without thinking maybe I should have gone for the other tie pin to the left. My finger nails were yellowed and untidy, I looked up hoping for someone to drop a pound coin into my hat. I put it on instead and walked along the embankment against the Thames water.

I finished my cigarette and threw the stub into the water; the short sizzle as it hit the surface to die out, was drowned out by the police man murmuring to himself. I smiled at him and he walked off when his partner had arrived. They marched like courting geese towards Waterloo Station.

musik

Superman- Goldfinger
99 Red Balloons- Goldfinger
Shiola- Murder By Death
School- Nirvana
Drain You- Nirvana
Hiphopopotamus Vs. Rhymenoceros- Flight of the Conchords
The Most Beautiful Girl (In The Room)- Flight of the Conchords
The Boy With The Arab Strap- Belle & Sebastian
Art Bitch- CSS

kino

The Grudge

buch

Old Kyoto
Dragon Syndicates

videospiel

Gran Turismo 5: Prologue spec III

vershieden

oi resh accents, especially if girls have them, Colin Farell can go feck himself and his commands
windy walks with multiple people this week
messing Faye up with my ideas of how I fall in love
getting invited to curry nights with people from work I've borrowed equipment off
surprising Lily on the phone about how quick I can answer it
getting my fight back

record of our failure

2008-10-06T00:52:00.002+02:00

Imagine locked in a room with 5 other people, the gentle hum of the fan keeping you cool. The computer consoles to your left glow a cold blue in the shallow lighting. You breath in a little to save the o2, it tastes of the sweat 5 others in the room and a the clinical flavour you remember when you were a kid waiting with your mother at the hospital. Instead of waiting for a check up, you're waiting to save the world, if only I had the courage to do that.

It snowed the other day, some time I was thinking it was May,
But the ground was cocaine white covering the modelling clay,
The window steamed underneath my girlfriend’s breath,
I wanted to steal it from her, so no one could take what was left,

Taking pictures of the moment, had them developed,
Old faced and wrinkled caustic soda all over my eyes,
Sort of show that time works on your soul, to envelope
the difference between truth and lies,

It snowed the next day, this year colder than the one before,
Flat cardboard boxes full of clothes pegs and washing lines,
We wrap up tight together try to keep in the warm,
The fire place awakes and dances a burning light,

musik

Sliver-Nirvana
Big Guns- Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins
Rush Hour- Jane Wiedlin
Don't you Forget About Me- Simple Minds
Robot Song- The Flight of the Conchords
Thou Shalt Always Kill- Dan Le Sac Vs Scroobius Pip

kino

Sunshine

schwarzwiessfernsehen

The Flight Of The Conchords

videospiel

Pro Evo 2009

sport

Portsmouth Vs Stoke City

vershieden

the friendly taiwanese girls selling me postcards of hope (http://www.tpcat.net/)
talking to Baker about social engineering/politics/comics/life/friends/politics/saving the world
shaking the hand that drew Watchman
listening to geeks pitch really shit ideas for comics
realising I was a fool to let that one slip
stacking it on a Birmingham escalator and not breaking my camera

the sad trap of gravity

2008-10-01T23:25:00.002+02:00

It seems I'm stuck being serious over Bob Dylan or Wong Kar Wai films, clearly an obsession so I need to lighten up a bit more, take a day off and have a good Thai massage or take a flight to the Bahamas to drink a nice cocktail. The closest I have come is lazing in the garden reading the newspaper, I suppose that's not a bad thing.

A favourite columnist of mine and personal hero, Toshihiro Nagoshi, one time wrote a simple equation for success. It went along the lines of (Talent x Hard Work = Success), which I agree to a certain extent, but as a way of describing life I think it misses a few parts. I think he misses the insanity of what should be done in a real office, I can't speak for peculiarities of a Japanese softco but I can for the ones flying around in my mind.

Things to try at work
1.run into a meeting while it is in progress and try and steal the cans of Sprite.
2.stick random pictures of Chinese medicine man onto peoples desks.
3.attempt to trick the project manager into signing an agreement that the project will pay for a box at the new stadium.
4.chasing someone with a pair of novelty scissors across each office you have access to.
5.locking up all the stationery and open up a shop from your email in box in an attempt to earn some bonus cash while you open up excel for the 20th time of the day.

If that made any sense may Baltar save you.

Nite children.

If life is making mistakes and learning from them, surely death is knowing that you can be content in not making them any more. My legs give way in front of me and I collapsed onto the floor in a fit of coughs and saliva covering my face. I clutch at my chest trying to breathe a bit better but to no avail. My heart was pounding harder and harder and that was the last of what I remember.

Waking in a mild cold shiver, a tube is stuck in my arm and the bright light above my head, it feels like it's swinging back and forth. There's a strained muffled noise coming from my left hand side, I try to stand up. My legs give way in front of me and I collapse onto the floor in a barrage of kicks to the side.

I made another mistake and it crept up on me to give me one more kick in the side.

musik

If You Ever Find Yourself Caught In Love- Belle & Sebastian
The Getaway Plan- Funeral For A Friend
All In The Family- Korn
Fake Sound Of Progress- Lost Prophets
Anneurysm- Nirvana
Stars- Dubstar
Angkor Wat Theme- In The Mood For Love OST
Kid A- Radiohead
Dancing In The Dark- Bruce Springsteen
Born to Run- Bruce Springsteen
Renegades of Funk- Rage Against The Machine
How I Could Just Kill A Man- Rage Against The Machine
The Shape Of Punk To Come- Refused
He's On The Phone- St Etienne

kino

Master & Commander

buch

Japan- Lonely Planet

vershieden

Talking to old primary school friends about heroes and blatent capitalism.
Chatting to Nikki and offering her a can of Healy stolen Sprite, what a super hero (Nikki not the Sprite).
Pedro owing me money, which I intend to get back without the need to break his fingers and jam his head in a vice.
The jetlag afflicting Tuckers face.
Patrick MacGoohan.
Being all dressed up with no where to go.
Hair putty unused in my desk drawer, the wilder my hair gets at work.
Finding this years Xmas album by accident as always.
Making Boulanger jealous with another woman.

one more pefect thing

2008-09-30T00:54:00.002+02:00

It's good to fall back onto your favourite things, I thought about writing about a Wong Kar Wai film again, but I think I need to wait for the Blu ray version of Chungking Express to really do it justice, so I'm going to rely on another favourite which anyone who knows me will know what I'm going to talk about.

Norwegian no Mori- The novel is a nostalgic story of loss and sexuality. The story's protagonist and narrator is Toru Watanabe, who looks back on his days as a freshman university student living in Tokyo. Through Toru's reminiscences we see him develop relationships with two very different women — the beautiful yet emotionally troubled Naoko, and the outgoing, lively Midori.

After being marched into a room and told to read a short story by Murakami about the 100% perfect girl, I knew I had a subtle hankering for a bit more of him. A bit of research showed my friend and I weren't onto anyone new, but that didn't matter. In our circle of friends we were the first to sample the stories and I still think the only ones. While everyone else was read detritus like Dan Brown or some one bit shovelware novels I had no time for, I found this book on sale in the Waterstones in Fareham. If I had been romantic I would have said I pulled out the exact change from my pocket to buy it, but that would be a lie.

I started to read it and realised that it was a reflection on my life, I know people tell me never to live my life in fiction. But the words spilled out like wild fireworks colouring what God had already drawn with a fine pencil in front of my eyes.

There are no spoilers here, but I will share my favourite character, well rather the character that changed my life. Nagasawa, a guy that Toru befriends because of a common love of literature, but realises he has nothing in common with him. Nagasawa in a single word is a 'shit', a crap human being who has an amazing gf who he cheats on repeated occasions with seemingly easy Japanese girls. He plays the world like it is his, if he had only a few words in his vocabulary it would be ' fuck you'. To all intents I would hate him. But the book doesn't unfold like that, the truth is, for all the wonderful things written and all the sad things talked about. He is the only character of truth, being so two dimensional that there is no bullshit surrounding him. This is what he is and he will never change because this is what he is.

'Only losers feel sorry for themselves' those words coming out of his mouth onto the page and then into the back of my retinas. Processing them for future reference.

But that isn't the core of the story, Nagasawa is only a singular part of the book, in fact only a bit player, I can't let myself spoil it for others. But, if you were to read Murakami, this isn't the book I would recommend. If you have the time go buy/ steal/ borrow The Elephant Vanishes. Read the short story about burning barns and tell me the meaning, I will make u a strong cup of coffee and we can talk about it.

For now nite nite people.

I threw up all over her and she ran off screaming into the night. I collapsed onto the kerb at the edge of the road, the cars lined up in flashes of light, even when I closed my eyes I could feel the air rush past. My head hit the pavement with a heavy thud, a minute later I could feel the concussion searing through my spine. My body jerked again and more vomit covered the floor. Those were a few hours which I wished never to have back again, why I was in this state and how I was going to get back to where ever I was going, none of that mattered.

The sun shot across the sky and it was morning, the leaves sticking to my face the cold air rushing over me. I could still smell the sick and it filled my senses all the way into the back of my head. I picked myself up and stumbled towards a direction. Where I was going was lost night, it didn't matter today. I was only thinking of aspirin and where Lana had gone during the night.

musik

Norwegian Wood- The Beatles
Dear Catastrophe Waitress- Belle & Sebastian
Piazza, New York Catcher- Belle & Sebastian
No Life- Slipknot
Wrapped Up In Books- Belle & Sebastian
Transatlanticism- Death Cab For Cutie
The Archers Bow Has Broken- Brand New
This Years More Open Heart Break- Funeral for A Friend
Bullet in the Head- Rage Against the Machine

kino

Godfather
Godfather Part II

videospiel

Rome: Total War

sport

Portsmouth vs Tottenham Hotspurs

vershieden

making more mix CDs
talking football with the old boss
the new lunch box
anti excitement about hitting up Japan
being a snobby shite to Hartle face
having friends in the MOD
German cuisine is bringing much happiness
slippy full blast in an office full of 40 year olds and none of them hearing all the swearing

the lost cat

2008-09-19T00:27:00.002+02:00

Nothing so serious tonight, just relishing in the sublime finish from the Frenchman.

One afternoon, she caught me smoking, and scolded me, saying I had been reading too much Murakami; I just nodded while stubbing the cigarette on the sole of my shoe. Again she scolded me again for ruining my shoes. Afterwards there was no awkward moment as we walked home silently, not a word said between us, she had her arm linked into mine. The sun was slowly setting and the world seemed perfect, except for the hunger brewing in my stomach. Ryoko heard my stomach rumble and grinned pointing to the noodle bar just 5 feet away from us. We stormed in and sat straight down.

I wasn’t a Japanese noodle bar, but a Thai one instead, of course or the hunger now taking over. I choose the first beef dish I saw, while Ryoko ordered something or other I never knew, she could speak Thai as well, putting my French to shame.

We began talking about the films but ended up with talking about love. I told her I would do anything for a girl, my heart so convinced of this, spilling out like all the colours of the rainbow. Ryoko paused for a moment, wondering what to make of my words. She brushed the right of hair to the side, and I could see her beautiful eyes. I would have liked to say they shimmered in the street light, but that would have been a lie, they didn't catch the light as I hoped. I rested my hand on the table and she placed hers on top of mine.

She liked soba noodles the best, but was sure they didn't serve them here.

musik

2046 Soundtrack
Title and Registration- Death Cab For Cutie
Jet Pilot- System of a Down
Prison- System of a Down
Across 110th Street- Bobby Womack
(sic)- Slipknot
Cheated Hearts- Yeah Yeah Yeahs

sport

Portsmouth vs Guimaraes

vershieden

Matt for being a good bloke and good colleague, see you in the future mate be it on this project or another one (could go either way),
the Frenchman and the Englishman combining for some beautiful football,
my manager restoring my faith
explaining what 'hum gar charn' means to people that don't speak cantonese,
stealing chips from Pedro
the red wine recommendations
Super Mario Kart Challenge

a thousand guilts

2008-09-16T23:48:00.003+02:00

I started off writing about something else, but it didn't feel right for the words to spill out on the page like wild fireworks (just to coin a phrase I wrote when I was in University). Instead I thought talking about the weather and how its nice and cold, cold enough for me to wear my lovely duffle coat I purchased from the cute Irish girl in Southampton one Sunday afternoon. She had a beautiful smile and raven hair, I couldn't say no.

But back to what I wanted to really talk about. There isn't even a word for goodbye in Chinese, you can only say 'see you again'.

Wouldn't it be better if they were the words you said before you did make the shapes in the door way and then dance off in excitement into the darkness, while everyone you know and none of them have finished their drinks.

Some people say I'm horizontal, I'm so laid back that I would fall into an ocean of time, get lost without a map, but I wouldn't notice. Being excited over something just doesn't fit the crime for me. There's a disconnect in my repertoire about jumping up and down on the sofa about going on holiday, buying something new, moving to a new place, leaving the country for a new life. To me that's expected in life (no I'm not trying to be a snobby shit when I say that). What really excites me is every so often seeing my friends and family again, be that a gap of a few months to a few years. My hair all gone or all grey (the latter is preferable), my mind a little wiser, my pockets a little deeper and hopefully a lot heavier from all the gold. I suppose that's what I'm living for, seeing everyone again just to make sure they are all doing all right. Call that selfless, but I call it selfishness, its what I want to see, to see the nieces and nephews again so I can buy them Lego.

See you again sometime, much love people.

Writing poems to fit the crime, if I was guilty of anything it wouldn't be that. Mine would be mulling over a latitude of lyrics and thinking about Amy too much. I wish I had purchased 3 boxes of Haribo for her. She picked them up, ate a few and then turned me down for the night. My heart broke into 5 pieces and so I light a cigarette.

Instead I ended up a tab fiend, smoking a packet of stolen German cigarettes into the night while staring at computer screen hoping to type a bad poem out of thin air. If there was a girl I could fall in love with right now, it sure isn't Amy.

musik

(sic)- Slipknot
Old Snake- Harry Gregson Williams
Eclipse- Thrice
Scrubs- TLC
Push It- Salt n Pepper
World At Large- Modest Mouse
Float On- Modest Mouse
Sometimes the Line Walks You- Murder By Death
New Born- Muse
Banana Co- Radiohead
That Time- Regina Spektor

kino

American Gangster- Ridley Scott

vershieden

Making mix CD's even if the people hate them
realising in Germany they only sell 17 or 24 packs of cigarettes
finding out that some of his younger cousins are just old women in disguise even in their 20's
listening to the radio while making apple crumble and beef casserole
the time when I would only read Murakami

cause either way I'm dead

2008-09-13T23:14:00.006+02:00

A different tack this week, after being cut down by a colleague/friend about my sparse knowledge about certain subjects (don't worry redemption is in a pocket guide of misc facts), I thought I would share something dear to me.

In The Mood For Love/ 花樣年華 - Hurt and angry, they find comfort in their growing friendship even as they resolve not to be like their unfaithful mates.

Don't worry no spoilers on the film, but please do watch it.

My eyes were burning and I felt a little more lonely after I had seen In the Mood for Love, I paused at the end of the credits and looked around to see if I had any support from the people around me. For a sad state affairs I was alone and could only text Seth to tell him Chungking Express was no longer my favourite film of the moment. He takes a few 3 mins to reply and say 'I'm sorry for you Andrew I know how much it means to you'. Of course that never happened, but I did feel some loneliness and then some more after the film, the sun had set a long time ago, now somewhere over America making all the wake up to the news that there was a new day and we should be thankful to the lord.

The film is a slow burner like watching someone leaving their cigarette lit and not smoking it, letting the ash form into a length and then a small crescendo tapping off the ash onto the table. I love Wong Kar Wai films for his attention to the words, but I love them even more for the cinematographer Christopher Doyle he blends he colours all rouge like bad lipstick, but placed picture perfect onto the canvas. I spend a good week contemplating how much I want to take up smoking and slicking back my hair with a good pomade.

But why did the film resonate so much, I've never been married, never been cheated on, never been on a cusp of a fake affair, never had a stake driven through your heart. The truth is the third in that list, the idea of a fake affair is what runs around my small little mind because of this film. Could one live a lie, to hurt someone else. Could you fuck someone else to hurt the one you loved because her affair was more real than the shame you make up in your head, turn a few corners down some streets only to watch as she bawls her eyes out or she takes a sharp right turn to avoid you. I couldn't be sure of the outcome in my own life and the film doesn't give all the details, except that their intense folly is simply that, only a folly for ones self gratification. But hey, if everyone is being selfish, can't Cheung Man Yuk be selfish for the next hour and a half.

I close my eyes a bit happier with my epiphany knowing that a lie would make me happy for a few minutes, but keep me awake for the rest of my life knowing i hurt the one I loved, even if she never loved me in the second place.

Much love people.

Making the latest faux pas by offering cigarettes to a girlfriend, the look on her face was a priceless melt of deep and sick hatred. She said something like 'take those death sticks and go fuck yourself, but yeah I'm still free next weekend'.

I nod my head a few times and shuffle off lighting the Lucky Strike that was already in my mouth. Suffice to say I fell in love with this girl at once and we would marry each other sometime in the future. Beautiful girl with those Chinese brown eyes and a penchant for the white powder. All I can do is buy some more cigarettes in time for next Tuesday.

musik

A Subtle Dagger- Thrice
Deadbolt- Thrice
Paper Tigers- Thrice
Raw Deal- Murder By Death
The Big Sleep- Murder By Death
Shiloa- Murder By Death
I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked- Ida Maria
Anyone Else But You- The Moldy Peaches
Grounds for Divorce- Elbow
I'm a Cuckoo- Belle and Sebastian
Step Into My Office- Belle and Sebastian
Cut Your Hair- Pavement
Surfacing- Slipknot
La Cienega Smiled- Ryan Adams
Call me on the Way Back Home- Ryan Adams
Sawdust and Diamonds- Joanna Newsom
Cosmia- Joanna Newsom

kino

Childs Play

videospiele

Crono Trigger
Super Mario Kart
Puyo Puyo

sport

Portsmouth vs Middlesborough

vershieden

the end of the world due to misguided media shoutings
the Spanish with their 'pragmatism'
'the boy' or 'wunderkind' here's hoping he stays on his feet
internal emails and work badges, a Hong Konger is always a Hong Konger regardless of where they live
lunch with colleagues and knowing a random selection to make it different every day
Enrique and his backhanded handshake
a new season finally beginning
realising that Hakka people will rule the world one day
flirting with Hayley, the blondie from winchester

crash through the rafters

2008-09-06T17:05:00.002+02:00

It would be a lie to say I have had no aspirations, at college and school it was socialism and the banner of Marxism emblazoned on all my books and thoughts. People thought I was saying it so they would take notice of me, that wasn't true. Carrying around my copy as my own personal book of truth it drove me to carry on believing that that Marx and Engels were right. From an idea to a revolution, the attraction of throwing Molotov cocktails at the establishment was for me so strong at the peak of my feelings for moral responsibility and love for Rage Against the Machine.

Imprisoned and tortured but as long as you knew you were there to right the wrongs of the world with a banner covered in paint and handcuffing yourself to the steps of parliament, telling everyone to fuck off if they told you what to do. How this gets replaced with emptiness I do not know.

As I move into my adult days, working in an industry where we can create things for the betterment of the human race, science experiments a bit beyond the sky above us, systems to help rescue workers save lives, looking to the stars so we can break the borders of the world. In a way, my little corner of my lab is helping all of these things, the little seed of saving some of the world. But I don't really believe if the seed did help I was doing it to save the world, far from it. Communist Manifesto gives way to Norwegian Wood, Socialism giving away to Capitalism. Peak of morality giving away to the harsh skin of real life, the realisation that there is no longer any black and white.

I can't compete with others in their ambitions, I wouldn't want to. If RATM can sell out, I think I everyone in their lives are allowed to as well.

However, after what was said it would be an even bigger lie to say I have not current aspirations;-
1.ensuring the last verse I ever write is for the woman I fall in love with
2.finding both a green and red copy of Norwegian Wood
3.to keep going

The rest can wait for me in the next life if I ever get there.

Throwing yourself into the arms of a crazed blonde girl talking gibberish with a thick Eastern European accent. Rather a bunch of crazed blonde girls are throwing you into her direction. She talks some more gibberish, so I walk off in the opposite direction. No ones loss in as the cold air starts to send a shiver up my spine. I tap my 5 cigarette of the night, I prefer it to drinking 3 pints and passing out in my own sick. I never hear from the blonde girl again, in fact I haven't seen her to this day.

musik

Boy Decide- Murder by Death
Sometimes the Line Walks You- Murder by Death
Comin' Home- Murder By Death
Sawdust and Diamonds- Joanna Newsom
I will Follow You Into the Dark- Death Cab For Cutie
Closer- Nine Inch Nails
Fuck Tha Police- NWA
Standing in the Way of Control- Soulwax Remix
1979- Smashing Pumpkins
Jo Jos Jacket- Stepehen Malkmus
Cut Your Hair- Pavement

buch

The Dragon Syndicate- Martin Booth

videopiele

Super Mario Kart

vershieden

random nights without feeling the need to go inside Scandals
chatting to Jose and Enrique
Steve Mcqueen, what a fucking hero!
waking up on a plane and asking for a beer
luncheon with Pedro where we talk the most utter bullshit, at least we find it funny
Joanna Newsom forgetting the words
Bekah for the conversation, Samuel for the attentive looks he gives me across a room
driving on the wrong side of the road in a big car and the fact the guys trusted me to do it

peach, plum, pear

2008-09-02T11:13:00.003+02:00

Finally sitting in the place I will be working in the next few years of my life. Providing there isn't some force of nature bringing a mad rush of water to wash us all away.

Looking out of the car window you start to realise why stereotypes exisit. Bravarian countryside is beautiful, I catch a glimpse of the lake, but only a glimpse. I have plenty of time to go out to explore.

One note- German security guards, never have I met people so highly strung in my life. Get a shiatsu or something moite.

"I don’t ever think about [feminism]. I mean, it doesn't cross my
mind. I certainly don’t think in terms of gender when I'm writing songs, and I
never had any problems as the result of being female that I couldn't get over.
Maybe I'm not thankful for the things that have gone before me, you know. But I
don't see that there's any need to be aware of being a woman in this business.
It just seems a waste of time."

vershieden

showers
German dubbel bier,
turning up late in a hotel and being caught out by the totem pole of light

water runs from snow

2008-08-30T23:11:00.004+02:00

I remember being only 12 years old and looking through the window of a jewellery shop, noticing all the sparkling diamonds and beautiful watches which I still can't afford. At the bottom there were always fountain pens with gold piping and covered in rich black lacquer. I turn to my brother and ask what's the point of a pen that's worth over a £100, he replies that these are the pens you use to sign important documents. You rewind a decade and a half later and all I have is a biro and a headache.

I know if the document in front of me is important as I always seem to make a hash of signing it. Never a mistake signing the thing with my own signature, but always random things like the date or some number I'm required to fill in. I break out the tipex and try to cover up my tracks as quick as possible before the management see. I quickly sign it and I realise my life is finally going to change.

People keep asking me when I'm going, I will be there when I am there, will let you know then.

During her time with the brilliant green, she was rarely seen without a plush toy (or t-shirt, or bag, or hand puppet) of Elmo, the Sesame Street muppet. Kawase even went so far as to have one (if not more) accompany her on stage as the band performed on numerous occasions.

muzik

There will be love there-愛のある場所- The Brilliant Green
Vermilion- Slipknot
Get this or Die- Slipknot
Fight the Power- Public Enemy
Careless Whisper- George Michael
Peach, Plum, Pear- Joanna Newsom
Method Man- Wu Tang Clan
Killing In The Name Of- RATM
Down On The Streets- RATM
St Anger- Metallica
Hit- Wannadies

kino

3:10 to Yuma
Tekkon Kinkreet

videospiele

Space Invaders Extreme
Sim City 4

buch

Batman- The Long Halloween

vershieden

the realisation that there is only one Pedro Mendes- you my friend are a hero
reading the right books to interpert her looks
Grace telling me not to become gay
listening to Payloard talk about Mongolian throat Chanting
my work Dad being a good pal
nutmegging fosterball only for him to nutmeg me and score

red rocket blaze over Cape Canaveral

2008-08-21T00:07:00.006+02:00

Lie down and look up into the blue sky, draw your finger across the sky and try and touch the sun. The tip of your finger glows for a moment before you blind yourself and everything is a mess of multicoloured whites.

After all the usual media bullshit of the Olympics made me completely indifferent to it all prior to Mitu telling me 'Andrew go watch the opening ceremony its magical'. Leave me enraptured by the event, indifferent to all the people talking about the same issues they know nothing about. I can smell racism even on the BBC but hey 'I shouldn't take myself too seriously'. But that's a debate not for these pages, it never will be, I leave that to Chuck D.

I admit it's rare for sporting occasions to make me feel in a way like music can clear all the thoughts in my mind, in a way films can bring me down to no room arrive, in a way reading the words from a page can catch a tear and not wipe it away. But I suppose the world never changes, the only thing that changes is when the photons stimulate the skin of the retina or when sonic pressure vibrates the small bones in the side of your head and sends the electrical impulses to the brain and what your mind creates from those impulses. Seeing the FA cup lifted by the Captain wearing a crescent of gold on a shade of azure on his chest, that brought me to tears, so many years of utter garbage and indifference turning into something that only made me feel pride but made the city the centre of the world for a few weeks.

But for the Olympics, there aren't any tears, Its not even seeing the medals being hung around the necks of the British for me its the change in the attitude that makes me proud, it shows that with application, talent and what I feel is the most important thing, hard work. Anything is achievable, we should throw those curtains wide and savour every moment of this and not wait forever for the next time.

She tells me that dinner is ready and all I can think about is her. I rush up behind her; she doesn’t stop me, my hand slipping up her skirt. She moans in my ear as I kiss her on the chest, my hand ever slower. I’m lost in a mess of black nylon fishnets and the attempt to remove my tie. Part of me hopes I’m caught red faced, and heavy handed, my wife slapping me across the face, ripping our marriage certificate as matter of fact. She won’t ever stop loving me, but right now my tongue is down my maid’s throat and we begin to writhe on the floor. I rip her stockings off and she straddles me. The fireplace keeps us warm from the guilt and lies, the 4 years of this, the four years of cooking roast dinner without Yorkshire puddings. She slips off her top and her breasts are full of youth and soft in the hearth light. I gently clasp them in my grey hands and she runs her hand over my chest.

musik

Cape Canaveral- Conor Oberst
Lights- Eri Nobuchiki
Fury In My Eyes/ revenge (feat Thea)- RZA
Goodbye Mr Lawerence- Ryuchi Sakamoto

kino

Election 2 - Jonny To

videospiel

No More Heroes- Suda 51/ Grasshopper

vershieden

Katie telling me to buy clementines and not mandarins
being surprised and unsurprised Conor has a new album and I didn't know
feeling better and escaping the same shit I've been giving people
Stuart for talking to me about HDTVs random moment of office work
sleep
watching the fastest man on earth for a second time

straight to the throat with the collar up

2008-08-19T15:28:00.004+02:00

Never really understood the penchant for human misery, as this society grows older and merges into a new one this century, the cinema, the book, the music we all love, the endless pain of . The strive for poetic misery in human life. Maybe this sadness gives us context in where we live in our lives where we can fit into society. Maybe the actors/writers/musicians were so brilliant in understanding all the nuances of their feelings that slapping it onto an empty canvas was easier than whispering it into our ears. Maybe we like to see people more miserable than us, I stared at the ceiling for hours unable to sleep after watching Wong Kar Wai's 'In The Mood For Love', thinking maybe my life would ever end this badly, if I could take that sort of pain, would I survive the intensity of my own lies?

It felt like a hot summer night trying and failing at getting comfortable for sleep. Leave the window a little unlatched and a wind in the middle of the night will gust up, catch it and you will be freezing waking up in a sweat of wrapping yourself too closely to your duvet. Leave it latched and you can sleep moving from one side of the bed to the other. Cover on, too hot. Cover off, too cold. Your lover cuddles up to you used to the heat and you try to push them off the side of the bed onto the spikes you put into the floor of your bedroom.

Would I have survived the intensity of my own lies?

Love is all a matter of timing.
It's no good meeting the right person too soon or too late.
If I'd live in another time or place...
...my story might have had a very different ending

musik

Honey, Just Allow Me One More Chance- Bob Dylan
Starline- Genki Rockets
Sunburn- Muse
Girl Boy Song- Aphex Twin
Bad Dog No Biscuits- Yoko Kanno
Afro Samurai OST- RZA
Yumejis Theme- In The Mood For Love OST

schwarzwiessfernsehen

Afro Samurai

kino

X2
Dangerous Days-Making of Bladerunner
Batman 1989
Boyz n the Hood

vershieden

a singular pint with Rich even if the weather is shit and the pictures are crap
the German for acquring my first Bremen shirt,
Katie
Mitu wanting to know about art for artsake
mixing random talking with Zoe and ending up with something else
drawing shapes around clouds with my finger
taking pictures of seagulls

without leaving a piece of youth

2008-08-14T23:34:00.004+02:00

Finally in the throes of shaking this badness off using a nice selection of paracetamol and headache killers, mixed with lucozade and bad frozen veg. From a month of stressing over nothing, to a week of realising people have found me out and that I know nothing. My brain is empty of anything apart from oriental languages and song lyrics that no one really cares about. Self obsessed and self absorbed in this little world, it's like a comforter that you snuggle up to. I keep threatening to turn up to work in a bowler hat, but I think the wearing of a cape with a cane in my right hand would be something worth trying one time, winter can't come too soon.

Probably the weirdest thing this last week aside from all the shit of being ill, appearing on television, dumping all my work on Mike and seeing the back of Ryan Giggs was talking to Pedro about when we first met.

'You should never judge a person'

Impossible statement he replied to me and I agreed, in fact the first time I met him, I made judgement on him because of the shoes he was wearing that night before the assessment centre. The same pair he was wearing today on the way back from lunch. I don't want it to dive into what micro portions of salad I ate and what small talk about nothing was made, but it was an extended summer lunch which lazed into an afternoon of no work. What was my judgement on Pedro though? This is a sort of guy I could work with, albeit I knew he would sledge me for the rest of our days.

Three choice lines from my favourite film.

At the high point of our intimacy, we were just 0.01cm from each other. I knew nothing about her. Six hours later, she fell in love with another man.

We're all unlucky in love sometimes. When I am, I go jogging. The body loses water when you jog, so you have none left for tears.

We split up on April Fool's Day. So I decided to let the joke run for a month. Every day I buy a can of pineapple with a sell-by date of May 1. May loves pineapple, and May 1 is my birthday. If May hasn't changed her mind by the time I've bought thirty cans, then our love will also expire.

musik

Vermillion- Slipknot
Heavenly Star- Genki Rockets
Starline- Genki Rockets
This Years Most Open Heartbreak- Funeral For A Friend
Sugar in the Marmalade- Leon Lai
Lights- Eri Nobuchiko
Being A Girl- Mansun
Gamble Rumble- Move
Nobody Does it Better- Radiohead
The Living Daylights- Aha
1979- Smashing Pumpkins
Try try try- Smashing Pumpkins
Tonight Tonight- Smashing Punpkins
Us- Ice Cube
Only- Nine Inch Nails

videospiel

same game
bladerunner- the game

schwarzweissfernsehen

afro samurai
Chris Rock- Bring the Pain

vershieden

the rattle of Paracetamol bottles
the Kinneav for sorting out some ticks for me, we lost but who gives a fuck
Telegramme studio, for housing messers, Gove, Evans, House and Flux as well as all the random shit they have collected and stuck on the walls
Lou Flux for lending me the womb room, go to bed feeling like shit and wake up feeling a bit better,
ordering Chinese food in English and confusing the waiter, at least Katie liked the food (CURRY BUN)

ended up with pockets full of dust

2008-08-06T14:45:00.003+02:00

Something a bit more coherent, something with a bit more substance, something borrowed, someone without a clue.

The train finally stopped today just before lunch, my mind was pretty warped and I couldn't think straight, let alone construct a coherent sentence. Back at my desk I tried tapping at the keyboard and all I wanted to do was throw it out of the window, hoping it would break into a million pieces. I felt like I was going to collapse on the carpet just behind my desk instead, not even the rattle from the bottle of paracetamol helped. Sometimes the mind won't take a hint that the body is telling it, explain it in writing, a tech note or some well constructed sentences with capital letters and fullstops in the appropriate places. I finally took the hint and wrapped myself in works clothes and a duvet, only to wake up sans work clothes and craving some lucozade. Different treatments for different people.

Bumped into someone I used to work with a few years ago, realising as I try to push myself forward into oblivion or rather a ill fitting suit, in most cases things stay forever the same. If was to pick a time where things were bad those 6 months being a jobless circa Jan-June 2007 were fairly soul destroying. Times of waking up playing countless emulated games, spending money on things I didn't need, searching for random music to keep me going (much love Jenny), wondering if all those years of education were worth the effort. For those 6 months of my life I would never change.

Some of us were gonna be rich
With the Iron Lady
Lennon's gone already
Let's post the boys to war
Oh mother, what're you worrying for
It's somewhere he's not been before

Then you see the Union Jack
And it means nothing
But somehow you know
That you will find your own way
It's a small reminder every day
That I was born in the U.K.

musik

Sara- Bob Dylan
Fuckoff Is Not The Only Thing You Have To Show- CSS
Grounds for Divorce- Elbow
Perfect Drug- Nine Inch Nails
Back 4 You- Jurassic 5
It Must Be Love- Madness
Letter from God- Dan Le Sac vs Scroobius Pip
IfWhiteAmericaToldTheTruthForOneDayItsWorldWouldFallApart- Manic Street Preachers
Quizas, Quizas, Quizas- Nat King Cole
Who Wants to Live Forever- Queen
Glosoli- Sigur Ros

schwarzweissfernsehen

Where No Fan Has Gone Before- Futurama

videospiel

C&C Red Alert 2

vershieden

Pelly for catching up with my slow walking
random conversations with Karla where we don't fall out
give me some fried chicken
late night viewings of Bruce giving terrorists some shoe
Sam for sharing with me what is on his mind
murder mysteries with Miss Marple in the office of stolen milk and umbrellas

is someone getting the best of you?

2008-08-03T18:18:00.000+02:00

Spent a day chasing Scott through Waterloo Station shouting at him that Matt Damon is just over there.

Every week for the last 3 months there's a constant feeling of relief that I can get to the end of the Friday knowing that some adventure will unfold in the evening or on the Saturday or just to have a day where nothing can be done. Lazing in the sun supping on some nice Belgian beer stolen from the actor who always stands to the left of you. The problem is the creep of Sunday post 4pm where I know that the shitstorm of the week will brew up, it hasn't hit yet but then I still haven't learnt that it never does. Someone said to me a week ago 'if you hadn't of done it, it would have been me that done it' the first thought that ran through my mind was 'I don't think you have the patience for it'.

I'm always a step closer to 2046 though, the peon is starting to bloom a bit more.

December 17th 1937 after Nanjing fell to the invading Japanese Imperial Army, for 6 weeks mass executions, rape, pillaging and the general destruction of a city. Give reasons for war, hunting out disguised soldiers, politics, the evils of the Japanese Army. Personally, I can't forgive them for what they did and I never will, they (the Japanese Government) have never admitted to it or how they laid waste to many parts in Asia during the war, not just China.

But I will be going to Japan this year, holding no grudge against the people, for the sins of the past are the crimes we shouldnt commit in the future. To hold on stubbornly to my own hatred of those events would make me or anyone a poorer person. It's incredibly easy being whiter than white after being born in a country where people have it easy, but also a country which cannot even look after it's own children murdering each other, in a country which when told to jump says how high, in a country where we rain death on others for oil. I bear no grudge, if we are the next generation, ignorance and apathy is something we shouldn't hold onto. If you have protests to make you should wear them on your sleeves however.

I can't save the world, but I want to go and see yours and listen to what you might have to say. Love you all.

musik

In the Back Seat- The Arcade Fire
Honey- Mariah Carey
Canon in D Major- Pachelbel
The District Sleeps Tonight- The Postal Service
Take it Easy (Love Nothing)- Bright Eyes
冷戰- Wong Faye
Doing It Right- The Go! Team
Best of You- Foo Fighters
Pirhana- Sasha
Icaras- Sasha

buch

Nausicaa vol 2- Hayao Miyazaki

vershieden

planes being flown at silly speeds and very low, into balloon towers
the gundam model sitting on my hifi
lightsabre cheese knives onsale near you
Simon because hes an understanding dude and will listen to my opinions rather than dismiss them in ignorance (for that you get the dedication of that Foos song)
Alan's alternate history essay, a bit naive in its content but has potential
talking to Katie on the phone about riddles

city sunsets over me

2008-07-30T22:30:00.000+02:00

Its a perfect day Polly, if I met you tomorrow I would ask you to marry me. But tomorrow I'm busy attending some meeting about what I might be doing in Germany. Hopefully it's playing football in the middle of the atrium, jumpers for goal post, I'm sure Mike would make a good goalie between the kitchen and the shop selling tshirts. But I jest, the wait for moving out there isn't so bad, unlike 5 months ago its feeling completely tangible now.

Strange week of watching people pushing pieces of Dim Sum, asking me what everything was and then to watch someone get a pencil in the eye. However, the hype was justified this time, it's rare I ever admit that but it was this time, take the suit away and it would still be a brilliant film. A big thank you to Mr Nolan.

Some choice words from Roddy

We stop in every passing place
To watch the world move faster than we do
Watch it pass with our eyes closed
The way we usually choose to

So I'll wait 'till I find the remote part of your heart
When nowhere else will let us choose a comfortable start
And even if the breath between us smells of alcohol
We call it confusion in the best way possible

musik

Rumbrave- Murder by Death
Everyday is Exactly the Same- Nine Inch Nails
Canon in D Major- Pachelbel
This Mess We're In- PJ Harvey
A Perfect Day Elise- PJ Harvey
The Archers Bows Have Broken- Brand New
When the President Talks to God- Bright Eyes
The Calendar Hung Itself- Bright Eyes
Gentleman Caller- Cursive

kino

The Dark Knight

videospiel

Final Fantasy VII- Crisis Core

vershieden

Wednesday football sessions
Mr Morgans exuberance for the greater good of the project
XEN Virtual Machines
Dim Sum with Mitu, Karla, Mills and Gregston Wittingston Stanley
Olympic T-shirts from years gone by

trade liquor for blood

2008-07-25T16:42:00.000+02:00

Small baby steps is what is going to get me to Germany at the moment. When I'm going there hasn't changed, when I'm moving there has, but that was a mutual agreement. In all honesty, I just want a good nights sleep (hopefully tonight). Although this year is dying out into the autumn and then winter, I will be there before the end of the year, but unlikely before Oktoberfest.

Sam gave me a good phrase last weekend at Latitude and I've been repeating it like a mantra all week and frankly this week has been a write off for the sake of work. Instead purchasing wine and cheese and making shopping bags smell like bad socks. It feels an age ago, last weekend was amazing, it's rare i get excited about anything. Joanna was wonderful, even broke my friends heart in the process. I wasn't so quick to fall, but I did enjoy laying on a big cushion listening to some poetry. Sharing a fire with the neighbours listening to the daughter singing Tracy Chapman. Drinking more cups of tea than drinking beer, but hey what's new?

The live music was pretty good too.

Across the harbour

I did that with thoughtless abandon. It’s just harder to tell them the truth and to say you don’t love them anymore. Really it was just a lie in itself. The cream floating at the top of my coffee, past its sell by date. I always drank coffee slow, even slower when I was waiting for someone. I rested my chin on my hands, closing my eyes. I hadn’t slept properly in a week and it had taken its toll four days ago. Glancing in the mirror upon waking up, my usually redden face was gaunt, tired with a set of cute panda eyes. It didn’t help that it was autumn. The cold air kicking me in the face daily.

musik

True Faith- New Order
Old Soul Song (for the new world order)- Bright Eyes
In the Back Seat- The Arcade Fire
Sgt Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band Reprise- The Beatles
Buckets of Rain- Bob Dylan
An Attempt to Tip the Scales- Bright Eyes

kino

Bladerunner

videospiel

advance wars- dual strike

buch

The Haiku Anthology

vershieden

trading liquor for blood
talking about shit and the thing at lunch with Pedro, Michael and Jon
getting mini brownie points off colleagues at work
Chi Nguyen- so inspiring that man
Sarah Balliet (still amazing)

a second opinion

2008-07-23T22:24:00.000+02:00

I'm not the type to bow down to pressures from family and friends, but this is a good time to start as any if I want to tell the world about something. Or rather tell the people that might ever read this something they already know. Deutschland, hier komme ich.

Across the harbour

I kept reading the bible and searching for Andy Lau lyrics online my dictionary in hand. I was translating as if his lyrics were really meaningful, helped my Chinese reading no end, but I wasn’t sure if learning words about how I love this girl as much as the sun the sky earth moon or whatever he was crooning about that time.

I soon switched it off and found my New Order CD, I always thought they were much better after Joy Division had disappeared. University was a distant memory, I had done enough to pass it all and all that was left was a 10 week haul of nothingness. I had no urge to work, no urge to make any money.

I never abused solvents again.

musik

A Second Opinion- Murder by Death
Brother- Murder by Death
PDA- Interpol
Waiting for the Beat to Kick in- Dan Le Sac Vs Scroobius Pip
development- Dan Le Sac Vs Scroobius Pip
Question- System Of A Down
Metal Gear Saga- Harry Gregson Williams

kino

Goodbye Lenin

buch

Xen- the art of virtualization

vershieden

big boss figure
the shit people leave on my desk at work
my manager giving me a pot of treseme hair putty
Sarah Balliet